"I Don't Belong Here"

So.... belonging.

This past October, when my world was literally flying through  multiple open venues, my Pastor called me on the phone and requested my presence on our church council. I truly did not take too long to think about this.  There were no pros or cons.  I had completely accepted the transition of my life at that time and took this as another placement by God.  He had cleared my agenda thus far and I had no place for argument....with the occasional, 'why me? why now? why this? why the rush?" (smile)

This post has all intention of being  blunt and to the point. And perhaps there will be unanswered questions on this end, or even assumptions made by myself that do not all together fit.  But, I have to honor the stream of consciousness that has brought me to this point.

January 28 and 29: Church Council Retreat: Oak Ridge Conference Center, Chaska, Minnesota.  

Tonight, I sat nicely in my chair that occupied 1 of 5 spaces at the orderly placed round table.  My green folder with agenda and newly Xeroxed pages sat waiting for me.  We began in prayer, which was okay, and then we had speakers discuss their timely work on our newly developed Strategic Plan.  After, we sang songs, prayed as a group and then had additional round table discussions.  All together, we were approximately, 25 or so in number (this included some staff as well as the Vision Team Committee that spear headed the Strategic Plan).

A question was posted towards the end of the Power Point Presentation.  “Where did you start? and Where are you now?  We were guided in discussing our faith walk and where we were within the midst.  I was the last one to answer in my small group – which was just as well; I was able to compare my thoughts and ideals and try to match something to anyone at the table; but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t find one single, solitary match. 

Inconspicuously, i pulled out my phone and texted my husband and a friend: "I don't belong here"

But I needed to find a way to answer without leaving further room for question.

I feel like I don’t belong in a church : an edifice that dictates my being.  I feel this is misplaced.  Worship should only enhance the flavor of my love and devotion to God; but it doesn’t.  These people talked about the moment they found God.  The moment that He reached out to them and called them by name.  The life altering event or the church small group they found themselves in, the clarity of worship.  The quiet moment in prayer. The backing of Theological reference and study. 

I went out on a limb and naively stated that God is not in a church for me.  Religion is not in a pew.  I tried my best to explain my feelings openly.  “I don’t know the bible very well.  I can’t quote scripture. In life, church for me was the homeless man in the alley, the child with no lunch,dirty shirt and hardships,  even a quiet Sunday bike ride, a coastal drive at sunset and a moment of finding and discovering my best self in God.   As I grew, I worked with neglected and severely abused  children.  As a young adult, I brought in children to my home whom were in need of a familial diversion.  I feel God  leads me in my life to certain people or places and I follow.  Presently, I am helping a woman who lost her husband whom I did not even know 10 months ago and she and I (this is where I had to cut it short, as I would have for sure been too emotional and this would not bode well), are working into a friendship. It’s God.   I feel I need to live a spiritual life.  Where I am or how I got here, I do not know…..but ……(and then I couldn’t really answer and this is when they all just looked at me)…I don’t think I ever had a ‘hit on the head with a rock’ kind of moment.  So, I am still learning.”

Then it just went on.  We had more prayer time, communion, sang too many songs and called it a night – with the exception of an impending social hour.

So, this is me. 

I don’t even like quoting formulated and massed produced prayers.  I really feel unsettled when it calls for an All Congregation moment of prayer or to sing songs that I do not know that bear no weight or symbolism in my world.  Does that make sense?  I will quote the Apostle Creed, I will follow through with the 5 lines of what ever is printed in the bulletin, but it doesn’t bring me closer to God.  Again, I am sure I am wrong in all this, or at least uneducated. 

Tomorrow, when it is all business again, I will try to fill a spot of agreeance .  I will try to accommodate my need to flee with my need to contribute.  I don’t know why I said yes to this council, but I am trusting God that this is where I am supposed to be – although I am kicking and screaming like a baby, on the inside.

Maybe there is a crash course in Theology I can take.  Maybe I can jot down friendly and impressive scripture passages; "Hey, did you hear of the passage in Mark 8?  Oh ya, wasn't that a kick in the pants?" 

 I need to learn a great deal.

We have breakfast at 7:30.  I am so happy I have my own room tonight! Something the outcast in me requested from the council president; as I did not want to spend an evening with a 'roomie'

re-reading the text - it's gibberish. 

 I appreciate the open ear.