the tao of pooh

"While Eeyore frets ...
... and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
... and Owl pontificates
...Pooh just is.

This is one of my favorite books and one of my favorite passages. When I first read this book, I was caught by the first couple of lines and I knew I wanted to better my life. "Pooh just is..." This is a great place to be.

How can you get very far if you don't know who you are?
How can you do what you ought if you don't know what you have got?
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you will have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who

During this holiday season, when the majestic snow covers in beautiful simplicity; I take stock in the questions of Who and What and Why and Where -- but the snow slows this contemplation at times and calls me to be. Be. Just be. The snow knows no path, it does not question, it does not stress - it falls, it covers and we marvel at the perfection within. The perfection - a strong word to use, but nonetheless, adequate. Much like Pooh, the snow shifts and glides; lifts up and takes it's place within a spectrum of knowledge of it's destiny.

This is where I want to be.

Magic is Still in the Air

My children are growing and for that, i am mournful. It will not be long before the knowledge of Christmas magic is just a staged production put on by mom, (I would say, "and dad" but we all know the truth).

I think back to Christmas productions --- the productions of how to keep Santa alive and as magical as possible so that exhilarated kids awake upon the crack of dawn; eager to experience the mystery of Christmas.

As I write, i think of ........

* taking a picture of each of them fast asleep in their Christmas pajamas (weeks before, without their knowledge - they receive xmas pjs on christmas eve and where them that evening) On Christmas morning, magically there they were, pictured on pillow cases with their pjs on.

* Gato, our cat, magically arrived from Santa while we were out at a restaurant on Christmas Eve. Each year, as Gato as ironically found his sleeping place under our tree, the kids nod in agreement that this is the way it should be.

* Kids wanting to film Santa arriving and they hid a video camera from view. We took Gato, sat him in front of the lens (while kids were asleep) and made all the sounds that Santa would make and as soon as "Santa" left, Gato just so happened to leave the camera's frame.

*My son wanted a book that was not yet in print. As I investigated this further, I found that the book was in print in the UK and it had an entirely different cover than the one that would soon be published in the stated. The book costs me a butt load of money - but it was from Santa and Simon got the "first ever copy" of the book from the great man in red.

* Son, (when much younger) desperately wanting to "catch Santa in the act" waited up for Santa and had a note that said, "if i fall asleep, please let me know you exist by placing a present by my head." the next morning, Perry awakened with a string of pearls to adorn the tree, especially from Santa.

* This year, going back to the pillow case idea, they will awaken to hot chocolate mugs with their pictures on it ~~ in the NEW pajamas that they received not less than 12 hours prior.

These are just a few of the MAGICAL things that have taken place in this house on Christmas.

Christmas is magical.....it goes without saying - but in this house, i am sorrowful in the knowledge that a huge part of the enchantment will dissolve some of it's spirit.

Anticipation

A new fall of snow arrived within the quiet of night. This morning, I awakened with a renewed sense of anticipation. Being a native of Southern California, i giggle thinking that December is all about the snow. In the distance, a neighbor is shoveling out his driveway. I remember snickering at him 15 years ago (being new to all this 'stuff'') when he was shoveling his driveway and it was snowing outside. I thought then, "What is the point?" Now I get it.

December is all about the snow. Christmas is all about the snow. Kids are all about the snow.

This morning, I awakened with a renewed sense of anticipation.

Anticipation - a funny word.

I sit on this couch under a cozy throw, watching the wind tag through the tree branches and I think of Mary. This time, last year, I was pregnant with my now, 9 month old baby. Within erratic and unpredictable mood swings, we all survived. I think of Mary. How did she fare? What were the variables that set her off? How was she affected by her own sense of anticipation? How did the women of the day support her? Did Joseph put in more hours at work and come home late as to not face this women of unreliable state of being? Did Mary's voice raise when Joseph told her they had to hop on the family donkey and take a 'trip'? (I have yet to see a true picture of Mary upon that donkey. In today's vernacular, we would say she was airbrushed, cropped, trimmed, highlighted. She always seems to look glowing and at peace. I want to see a picture of a 9 month old woman who has been on top a donkey for a couple of days). Do we not hear of Joseph too much after the birth of Jesus because Mary kicked his ass to the curb? That has to be it.

How did Mary anticipate this time in her life?

So, my time on this couch must be put on hold as my 9 month old is clearly in need of his mommy. He beckons within his own parameters of anticipation. How did Mary do it?

Do's and Don'ts

Yesterday, I sat and listened to a montage of women talking. I sat and listening intently to word phrases, and expressions. within their lexis of speech, i was able to conclude a variety of traits about myself. I have since expanded upon this list, but this is the running method of transpired reflection:

What I Don’t Do

I don’t bake. I don’t scrapbook. I don’t sew. I don’t do winter outside things. I don’t “shop”. I don’t craft. I don’t iron. I don’t decoupage. I don’t have dinner parties. I don’t send out bday cards. I don’t take on spot light volunteer roles. I don’t match. I don’t have an MP3 player (well, I do, but I never use it). I don’t talk on the phone. I don’t play a musical instrument proficiently. I don’t work outside of the home. I don’t have a husband who complains a lot. I don’t have patience as my friend. I don’t ‘socialize’. I don’t french braid.

What I Do
I cook. I invent as i cook. I read to my kids. I have cool discussions with my kids. I write. I organize. I teach. I paint. I garden. I putz on the computer way too much. I take on a lot of ‘backdoor’ volunteer roles. I dance. I goof around. I laugh. I drink coffee. I do sarcasm well. I am artful. I do learn (or try). I’m eclectic. I email. I tink around on our piano and make up songs. I do keep up on my International Spy training whenever possible. I do find a nice pleasure in a good beer. I do parent to four kids. I do single parent quite frequently as I DO have a husband who works way too much for my liking. I DO get my patience tested because of this. I do blog.
I do photograph. I do cheer. i do support a great deal.

when you are not in control

I have to type fast for i am on the clock.

today, when i awakened; i had an agenda in mind....my agenda. items that needed to be addressed and completed in the fashion for which i had arranged. many moments, i am at peace being a mother of 4. I am grateful. I am content.

Today, however, i simply want to be me. i want to get my list done and i don't want to have any interference. I don't want to have to stop typing to tell two of my children to stop bouncing the ball in the sunroom. I shouldn't need to look across my shoulder and tersely remark, "He had the ball first, give it to him and leave him alone and get off eachother!"

I want to get my house clean, i want to get food in my cupboard, i want to brush my teeth over a clean sink - but instead, i am putting up a christmas tree and taking down decorations that kids have already put up being that they have investigated the *christmas box*. I want the phone to stop ringing. I want to listen to my shows on MPR. I want playdates to not interfere with "my" time. and yet...."HEY! Stop slapping your brother!" and yet, i need to stop typing because my infant is about to put a fake pine in his mouth.