3:20

there is no title to this blog and it will be a quick - type, get the thoughts out and hit enter.  Sidney is waking up and my time of respite has come to an end.

latley, I have been mandating that I take in periods of rest.  I have actually napped in the past two days - but that may be because i am getting to bed by 1pm and up at 6:30.  I am not sure.  But, I am in absolute need of moments of unscheduled nothing.  I am not sure if this is good or not.  When I nap, i wake up tired, anyway.  When i 'schedule nothing' - i find myself surfing the web.  lately, i have been reading other people's blogs.  If  you go to the top of my blog, you hit "Next Blog" and that is what i have been doing. 

It has given me introspection of where people are at and where i once was.  Lately, the randomness of design has led me to blogs of younger mothers.  Mothers in their early 20's who have chosen to stay at home.  I once was one of these mothers -- three car seats in the back of a van - doing preschool runs, volunteering for fingerpainting days, making crafts at home...well, my crafts always had a comedic outtake becuase i do not do crafts and they came out lopsided, burnt, or on the verge of collapse.

I sit here now - closer to turning 44 than 43.  My life has been heavy laden as of late.  I am not that young mother who has those moments of free spiritness to share with the world about the cuteness of her days.

I have a 14 year old boy who is on the absolute edge of taking off and flying solo.  There is nothing innocent about this.  He is under a constant watch and more than anybody, he gets my discussions on life, decisions, consequences of action, future outlooks, innocence and excitment.  I am purposely allowing him to fill his days with goodness and saying "yes" quite a bit more than "no."  The ties between us are growing stronger as he strengthens the distance between mother and son.

I have a 12 year old who is taking an incredible and challenging plunge into his own life.  i am right there with him, but no longer am i holding his hand and leading --- but simply watching him go.....He wants to so much be independent and the challenge is just that. He is not ready.  The navigation of our days is always in question and one false move will bring us back to the beginning.   

I have a 10 year old girl who is in great need of validation.  she too is marking her ground - but her voice has become quieter and her moments of wanting to be by herself are more frequent.  So, as a parent - i can wish for those days of baby time.  Singing, playing, rocking, laughing, attatching to one thing or the next - but my job has shifted and I am the mother of three very independent, unique and on the go kids. 

It is intense and noting to share lightly.  The blessing is that with age and understanding, the conversations are far more rewarding.  I *am* enjoying this life of mine, i am enjoying these moments and do not take them for granted, i just envy a bit that brownie making mom at times.

I read those blogs of younger mothers and it seems like an ideal world.  My blogs are no longer rainbow colored - but then again....this is not the time.

I have a 2 year old boy who for all intense and purpose, is also transitioning.  Soon, i will write about him and the songs we are learning and his cute first picture of preschool or his playdate arrangements with friends.  Now, we are getting reaquanted with one another.  His days are new.  it is just mommy in the house and he is finding a voice.  A very loud voice, might I add.  But those roll on the carpet times are back with uninterrupted hours.

I am in grief.  Each day, I am taking on a very large load of nothing but what grief looks like.  I have mentioned in the past - this is all good.  it is, but the reality of it plays the toll on who i am and my outlook.  By the time i get to write in my blog, i have already spent the day with a 14 year old teen (and most likely friends), 12 year old angst, 10 year old in transistion and an all day 2 year old.  I have scattered that day with writings, and research of grief and nothing but grief and being there to comfort and encourage a friend....and whatever it takes out of me, I am still in it.  I have said in the past, perhaps I, oneday, will seek out my own grief counselor. 

I apologize for the heaviness of my posts, but i am here.  I am an almost 44 year old busy mother of 4.  My children wear dirty, wrinkled clothing.  The boys smell 75% of the time.  They no longer brush their hair and I would think twice having them pose for an impromtu family photo. We are living life the best we know how.

I know i do not need to justify myself in my personal blog. it is mine and it captures my feelings of the day - i just find the irony of being in such a different place than the blogs that I have somehow stumbled upon.  Innocent, and "Awww" in response. 

Am I a negative person?  I dont' think so.  Am I in one of the hardest and most significant places in my life at this time? Absolutely. 

I am hitting enter now. 

Point of Discussion

I have an assignment to analyze this story and come up with something significant.  I will let you know when it happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtnG37texEI

The Crow and the Pitcher

September

September is in the air.  As soon as it appeared - i knew that transistion this year would be the most significant in quite some time. 

Today, the kids play outside across the street in a pool of water.  This is no longer something to look forward to, but a siezing of the day.  Sweaters, jeans, scarves, hats, and soon to be mittens, jackets, boots and sleds.  The children in bathing suits, the ones laying upon the grass with eyes closed in the sun's rays will soon be rolling snow balls, creating snowmen, snowforts and coming in wet, red nosed and  asking for hot chocolate.

Transistion

I am not one to accept transition well.  I need to have control over almost everything that is thrown my way.  If i could mark transistion on the calendar, I would. 

So, i ease into it.  I prepare slowly. I educate myself with resources and I plan.

The loud music plays on the driveway as my oldest has rigged up two more speakers to continue in the  flair of his life.He *is* transition.  I would like to say i envy this about him, but i do not.  I believe he will always be a fly by the seat of your pants guy.  The party will always be at Perry's Place. 

I wanted to sit down and write, but with the windows open, my mind on 9/11, my attention to the little bodies outside in play, it just isn't coming. 

I am in need of transition.  I am in need of placement. I am turning that page and it is blank - welcoming me to fill it.  Next September, I will look back on today and reflect on how i did it.  How did i step into something i knew nothing about. How did i transpire in that past year without a plan in place.

Today marks my first day.
Thank you for listening.

6 Months

There are too many metaphors to speak of in these past 6 months.  Too many inside jokes that have been formed simply to mark a moment in the day.  Each building atop of the next ..blanketed in strength. 

what does 6 months mean?  I'm not sure.  I am in the trenches. I am protective. I am fighting a fight. I am not letting go. I am....  I am ....not sure.

I am confused. I am disappointed. I am perplexed. I am frustrated.  I am hesitant. I am troubled. I am questionable. I am disgusted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am striving. I am lost. I am emotional. I am fragile. I am weakened. I am on my knees. I am weary. I am struggling.

I am isolated.

I am......
I am honored. I am fulfilled. I am rewarded. I am energized. I am at peace. I am pulling. I am pushing. I am guiding. I am listening. I am reaching out. I am sacrificing. I am here. I am still. I am active. I am bold. I am brazen. I am directive. I am leading. I am following. I am quiet. I am loud. I am silent. I am present. I am hopeful. I am confident. I am trust. I am love. I am loyal. I am laughter. I am strength.

I am.....

I am perseverance

These past (soon to be) six months have not been all encompassing. I feel i share in this life as I would a newborn child.  A being that takes up all time; but the capacity to love, thrive and continue with all additional aspects of one's life are all still there and available. It is when I stop or I slow down - (and for those of you who truly know me, you know that my physical body is always on the move) that I am able to give complete concentration to my day and this 6 month old experience takes hold.  I've often thought of seeking out my own grief counselor.  Wouldn't *that* look funny. 

I have told her that one day, she and I will be on a book tour circuit.  She will be the voice of reason and eloquently speak of her days gone by.  I will be to her right, with my fancy pen, signing the covers of my first  book, "Scrambled Eggs and Wrinkle Cream"

Thanks for listening