I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
~ Kurt Vonnegut ~
TUESDAY - Teaching myself about well pressure to help a friend fix her house well
WEDNESDAY - quick mayhem: piano practice in one room. Guitar practice in another. Two year old throwing blanket over my head. Quizzing daughter on spelling words
THURSDAY - evening out with a friend
FRIDAY - 14 year old had a party at our house. This is before the friends came
My fingers tap at the keyboard. I sit with friend's handmade blanket wrapped about and the laptop rests upon the soft yarn. I opened up to find discovery tonight - to see if i open up the cognitive senses, if something will take place or transpire into a significant or noteworthy marker in this ticking clock spectrum.
There is a rhythm to my writing - i am not sure i understand how it works or how it comes across as something real. There is mandolin symphony playing and singing softly - filling in this rhythm with it's cadence.
I have had a desire to fill my life. Of course, I will grow old and gray and say things like, "I could have been this." "I wish I was that." It is hard to live the life of a Pessimist. "I could have been a whistle, I could have been a flute. I real life giver, could have been a boot.' I think i like to say at the end of the day that i tried my best to be something....but then measure to those about and insignificance comes along side and cozies right in.
So, even though my life is in full swing of transition at the moment, i can sit in response and say i am fulfilled; but I am always looking for more. If I swam the English Channel, I would measure myself up against the others who did the same; instead of basking in the flow of placement. I am not sure where this comes from. Trying to find moments.
Sitting on the couch, music playing, SNL in the background, and no worries and yet I still try to measure up. I like to keep my issues close at hand. I think i need to go out and dance; get lost within the drone - - but for now, i shall simply go and rest my head and be thankful.
Hello! This is the only way i know how to post to you. I am curious about the person who visits my blog from the Russian Federation as well as Moscow. Can you let me know who you are? I love seeing that you come to visit, i would like to know more about you.
Thank you,
Katie
I take in these words, write them down, concentrate upon them and reflect in the significance of each. I hesitate in each meaning and wonder in responsibility. This blog is turning into something else. It is becoming a place for me to place my heart for a few minutes before I collect it and put it back in its place. A decision to shed the awareness of thought within my present and understanding....feeling an established and guided placement of direction.
But question. Always in question.
How much do you give of yourself?
When does giving become harmful?
If you don't feel compromised, but see question in the eyes of others, do you mark their worth?
When should you let others be and when should you step in for their lack thereof?
Is Doing Your Best....actually, doing your best?
Is it detrimental to follow your heart?
There are many days when my calendar dictates the care of two active families. This has become a part of me; a true part of who I am, even how I define myself from time to time. How decisions are made. I am following the tide that God has allowed for me and smile when i actively see transition. But I have to take in those momentary breathes of pause, sit, be still and question.
Coldplay Song --- playing it over and over again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E&ob=av2e
When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I
Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
8 Months - Today...it has been 8 months
She has experienced those days that give her a glimpse of what light shining on her really feels like. She laughs in this light and it brings a lilt to her step – but then, without notice, the door slams in her face and she is lost in the darkness once again. There is little to feed her when this happens, but she is faithful and looks for that light to come again. She knows it will; but the endurance at times is unbearable. But…it is there.
In 8 months, she has had to change and move on without David – as much as she has hesitated, regretted or felt powerless in the process. She has allowed me to come into her life in a way that would never be allowed before; this has been a very conscious choice for only her David has been closer. She holds 2 jobs and conquers a ‘Things to Do’ list that never would hold such urgency 8 months ago – but this list keeps her mind busy and her body from crumbling.
I wonder….if David walked through his front door today, would he even recognize this wife of his; this woman who is in constant redefinition. She has phenomenal strength and exceptional tenacity that provide an unmatched strength to her children. She proves to her children strength beyond measure, a muscle, a force, a potency.
In 8 months, she has not compromised the ideals and values of her family. As difficult as it has been, she has lead a life of grace and integrity and has been determined to not be compromised. At times, she feels embarrassed to the grieving widow. People do not know how to approach her, grieve with her, or walk along the path of this journey.
In 8 months, she has surpassed her grieving peers. When comparing to others within this time continuum, she is leaps and bounds above where they are at - and yet, those around are often perplexed that she is not 'moved on.' I sometimes tell her that she is climbing Mt. Everest and passing those around her without an even wearing an oxygen tank.
She amazes me, astonishes me and surprises me. More people should have the privilege of knowing her.
Those questions will always come and creep up on me when I least expect them. I look for answers, but at the end of the day, turn to my blog and write.
