New Journal Entry

Today, we turn the page to a new chapter in Perry Avenson's book, "The Consequence of Decision." Today, we reach both the conclusion obtained by a line of reasoning as well as commence upon a staggering life transforming moment.

The bus arrived a little late this morning. A fellow neighbor and I watched from afar - as to not be seen by the two pristine and un-tarnished jr. high students. I watched him round the corner from the driveway - new backpack, new clothes, new attitude. I jokingly shouted, "Honey, I'm only a phone call away!"

I'm only a phone call away......

Caressing his backside in early life, sharing gleeful moments of 'garbage man' making his way; taking kindergarten pictures at bus stop with smiling and goofy friends, bringing him home to engineer new confidences within. Now....I am only a phone call away.

In silent moments, i breathe it in, capturing the essence of memory, intersecting moments of time - bringing him to today..his day, his decision, his moment, his new chapter.

----- But at night time, when that teenager was sleep, the mother opend the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be

http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm

Let the Mill Run

Just the run of the mill day...

I have decided to document my day, for no particular purpose. Each day, my husband comes home and at dinner, when the kids ask how daddy's day was, he responds, "Oh, just another busy day, just like any other day...really busy." I can easily concur; but no one seems to take interest. By dinner time, I really have nothing to say or show for it. The kids are sitting down, the hands are washed and they are typically in good spirits. To the naked eye, the day seems insignificant.

I thought today, I would write down what goes on in a typical day. Each day brings upon itself a momentum of energy. Some days, you barely escape the towering waves just waiting to envelope you and yet, other days breeze by without significant recognition.

Enjoy the experiment.

8:00: Woke up with 10 year old saying, “I can’t open my right eye.” The day before, he hit his head on the concrete steps and the protruding goose egg has drained into his eye. His face is a wreck

8:15: The kitchen sink is backed up from the evening before. Husband trying to snake out whatever might be stuck.

8:20: Infant wakes up. He had a decent night. Only up maybe 3 times??? That is pretty good! Put him on my bed with other children who are allowed to watch cartoons this morning because of 10 year old’s misfortunes. I have to say, with each passing child, the TV has become more familiar. The first born was age 2 before he ever laid eyes upon the screen. By the fourth child, my husband plopped him onto our bed and with sarcastic tones, said, "Get used to it."

8:50: A call is made to Roto Rooter to ask for an appointment. They respond by telling me a truck will be in my neighborhood within the hour. In that hour, I must get all kids fed, infant nursed and dressed, myself looking 'presentable' and the kitchen cleaned as it has dishes stacked from sink to ceiling.

9:30: 12 year old boy begins to get ready for Grandma to come and go school clothes shopping. There is a lot of back and forth: "No, you are not wearing that." "Your socks need to match." "You WILL brush you teeth." as well as coaching and reminding him of all the appropriate manners to display with his Grandma; "Remember to say thank you." "Don't order the biggest thing off the menu."

Baby begins to cry, as he is hungry ---only had time to nurse on one side because the kitchen still needs to be cleaned in preparation for plumber

10:00: Caring for my road rash 10 year old who still seems to be a bit shaken from the day before, the doorbell rings and it is the plumber. Carrying hungry baby around; how refuses to be autonomous at this moment, making sure 12 year old is looking presentable for grandma, and running downstairs to answer both the doorbell and turn off washing machine that is in constant beeping mode; as it is also broken and can not go through a full cycle without stopping and beeping and beeping and beeping.

10:15: "Knock...knock: says grandma - opening the door and coming in. Plumber is in need of my attention. I take infant, pass him off to Grandma and possible get out a, "Good morning, " before I rush off to see plumber.

10:30 House is quiet. Grandma and 12 year old are out the door, Plumber is almost done; but needs to give me direction and further advise me on the maintenance schedule of our very old sink. He is a methodical plumber, takes his job very seriously and now I am captive to his history lesson on 'Plumbing in Old Houses." Meanwhile, the baby I am holding begins to nurse off my face, trying to find anything to satiate it's appetite and the 8 year old interrupts the scene to ask if she can have a friend over.

11:00: The baby is nursed and set down for a nap. First load of laundry is taken out of dryer and is plopped onto bed. Begin folding.

11:10: Doorbell rings again. Twin boys from across the street, want to come in to play.

11:15: The once quiet house if again, filled with noise. I call the Pediatrician to see what needs to be done with 10 year old. The neighbors up the street are away on vacation and I will soon need to go and feed their cats.

11:30: I sit down for a small break – get second cup of coffee from the morning’s pot. Already cold.

12:00: Laundry folded. Pediatrician calls back and advises that we take child into ER. Baby is still asleep. 12 year old is still out and about. 8 year old has arranged a playdate – but it will conflict with ER time. Husband innocently calls to check in on the day and begins to tell me that his day is very busy: meeting here...lunch date there. Send friends home as it is getting too loud and I do not tolerate kids standing on my couches. Make kids lunch.

12:30: Typing my day up and off to fix laundry machine and put kitchen back together after the plumber left as well as begin a puzzle with 8 year old.

1:12: In the past 45 minutes, infant has awakened, and in the middle of nursing him, I have called a couple of medical facilities and have decided upon the emergency room at Southdale. Husband calling back and forth as he is trying to arrange his day to help out. Calling Grandma and leaving a message on her phone. Infant is hungry and thinks, of course, that the entire day should be all about him. Thinking that I should get some breakfast in my body as I have had nothing to eat. Calling Lucy’s playmate friend to see if we can arrange either a different time or can she watch Lucy while I sit in ER. Husband on his way home to take 10 year old to ER. Called friend to watch infant, but she is not home. 10 year old currently is in need of my help……

Today is a bit ramped up – but in all honesty – there is always something. I really don’t understand how people have time to read books, have a clean house or breathe…for that matter (laugh)

1:34: Shoving down a cold piece of peanut butter toast and the phone rings: father in law calling to see if he can come over today. He is also without transportation and will need to be picked up….20 miles north west of here. I tell him that today is relatively crazy. He begins to tell me about his jr. high days and tells me about his youth.

3:08: On the phone with my mom – who just came out of a pancreatic procedure to rule out cancer. She has been on my mind all morning long.

12 year old, who is now home, shouts from adjacent room, “Mom, I just unlocked the bike!” Meeting that statement with great (silent) resistance, I go sit out in the playroom and watch him play Mario Kart Wii for 20 minutes while he shows me all his great moves and short cuts. The Wii is a thorn in my side.

I have had a glass of orange juice. Nursed infant again. Set him down to nap – but his loud crying proved that he was not up for this. Friend came to pick up lucy for playdate. Stayed a while and visited (nice). Husband reports that all is well at the ER. Swelling will take up to 10 days to come down in 10 year old. Off to get infant who is still crying in crib.

3:25 I nurse infant and place him gently in his crib, as he is now falling asleep. 10 year old comes in house, “Mom!!??” I say in low tone, “Hold on, I will be right there.” I begin to cover up sleepy infant. “MOM!!???” Infant begins to cry. I address the 10 year old and then begin to rock baby again and calm him down. Phone begins to ring on the changing table, as i had left it there earlier. Almost calmed infant looks around for ringing phone and loses concentration of FALLING ASLEEP. I place him in his crib anyway and out of pure exhaustion, he drifts off.

12 year old gets MP3 player in the mail that he has been waiting for – purchased on his own. I take opportunity to vacuum under the table, clean up dried baby puke off living room rug and make bed.

3:31: Burning a David Byrne CD for my son onto my computer so he can transfer it to his new player

3:44: Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. All is reasonable quiet and at peace. I think I will breathe it in.

3:45: Just squirted grape jelly all down the front of my white linen shirt.

4:07: Infant up. I was able to empty half of the dishwasher

4:15: Feeding the beast again. I am not sure why he wants to nurse so much today…probably sensing my need to be a little independent from him and he is protesting in great force.

4:45: Taking walk over to Lucy’s friends and picking her up. Mommy and Sidney taking an afternoon stroll

5:22: Back home. Sidney in jumper. Kids on their own. I do believe it is time for half a beer!

7:40: I never had that beer…although, I may now. 10 year old needed attention…some TLC. Now he is finally outside, playing with friends. Made kids dinner (as husband staying late at work). Acknowledging the fact that the day was not all about him; and quite upset by it, Sidney made certain he was paid his rightful attention. 7:20, put him down to sleep. Went to neighbors to pick some tomatoes (as they are on vacation) and tried to tend to my own garden…mosquitoes, mosquitoes, mosquitoes.

7:50: Scratching all my mosquito bites and opening up that beer.

DISCLAIMER: I am incredibly cognizant of the world around me. I am completely aware that there are those who fight each day simply to survive. Others are trapped in an environment they feel they will never escape. The following passage is trivial, at most. I am completely enveloped within this family and so fortunate to have these experiences.

Thanks for listening.

a little wine and conversation

The weather was perfect last night for a little wine and conversation. Cool breeze, leaves rustling, crickets chirping, frogs croaking, and john and katie talking.

honorable mention

This has to be said - before it escapes the mind forever. For each waking minute we walk on this earth, we constantly check in with ourselves, "Was that a good decision?" "Was I too rude?" "Would this be a good purchase?" "I wonder how my comment was interpreted?" "Am I doing what is right?" Quick analysis is in constant motion.

So, within this time of monitoring of self, where do dreams factor? How does one 'analyze' or 'interpret' the mind when it;s on it's own at night. Are dreams for entertainment sake; giving the mind something to do while the soul sleeps? Should credence be paid to these times of unrealistic directions?

Last night I had a dream and to even begin to peel apart the layers of interpretation is impractical.

~~ Angelina Jolie needed my help. She was about to go into labor and her nurse needed to clock in for her 15 minute break. I stepped in (as any non medical professional would) to assist. She had arranged for a water birth; so i pulled in my large cynlindrically shaped aluminum container and i filled it up with 'warm' water. She was somehow able to fit most of her torso in the bin ( she was very agile at 9 months). I told her that for a water birth, she would have to have her face submerged. I told her that this is what she has been preparing for and her breathing techniques will prevent her from drowning. And so she did. She submerged her face underwater and by now, the rest of her body was sticking out of the container and she was ready to give birth.

Her face (under water) created an obstacle for communication, so - in my best efforts, i signed to her the directions. I was completely calm and relaxed and surprised at the fluidity of my sign language.

Angelina's delivery was without significance. She delivered a healthy 12 year old, long blond haired (with dread locks) girl who named herself Elizabeth. When i went to cut the umbilical chord, (Elizabeth wanted it extra long so that she could put some plastic beads on it), i was unable to find decent surgical scissors, and reaching into my own personal diaper bag, i was able to attain a very used pair of Fiskars Kid Scissors. It took effort and muscle power of course, but in the end, the umbilical chord was cut!

Meanwhile, the water was getting cold, and Angelina wanted to get dressed. A lab tech came in, assessed my job and Elizabeth was on her way to meet up and introduce herself to her new family members. She showed great interest when mentioned that there was a Wii at home.

The remains of the dream alter within a feeble story line and not worth mentioning (smile).

These involuntary ideas, emotions and sensations are quite speculative. How does the waking mind even begin to interpret these captivating neural processes? And what reflections of self do they portray?

Thanks for listening.