A chance meeting
an evening dance
became a smile
became a conversation
became a touch.
became a kiss
became a knowing
became a destiny
became a road
And now
everything I always wanted
everything
I always needed
everything
I will always love
is right here
in one incredible man.
Love, Katie
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
92
It has been 92 days.
In 92 days, she has celebrated 2 birthdays, acknowledged another, made it through an anniversary, a Mother's Day, a hospitalization of her mother, a hospitalization of her father, a death of a family pet, a dance recital, lead a very large conference, a surgery for her father, a family retreat and in 5 days, she will make it through the first Father's Day since the passing of her husband; 92 days ago.
Her closest friends are telling her she has to move on. She has to keep going. They advise her to look at the 'good things.' They do not mention her husband’s name nor acknowledge memories. In 92 days, she has been the solid foundation for her children's grief. In the safeness of their home, they grieve openly and at the end of the day, they unwind after keeping their hearts in control so that others do not remark that daddy is in a better place or to say that children are resilient, or to keep on celebrating the new normal.
In 92 days, she has bagged up all her husband's clothing, gave away the bed they once shared, made a room for herself and has dwindled her husband's life into 7 storage bins. But, they tell her to move on and accept that he is gone.
Each of these 92 days, she has found reason to praise and be thankful. She has made it through every heart wrenching detail on her own. Each of these 92 days, she has proven to her children that yes, they can be resilient, but that does not mean that daddy is forgotten, they are able to all grieve together and still praise God together, and she is still mom and is required to be solid. But they tell her to move on and they show her in ways of abandonment, excusing, redirecting and/or ignoring.
In these past few days, she has questioned herself - the woman who is holding the hands and spirits of her children, she questions if perhaps they are right. Is she supposed to move on, seek a new normal, pack up the 7 tubs, close the door and be done? Is it healthy for her and her children to stifle the memories, the moments, the montage of experience in front of family and friends? Is this what grief is about - after 92 days?
92 days will soon turn into 184 days, 364 days, 728 days, 1456 days and so on. Each of those days, she will continue to build, to exist in this new life, to strengthen the resolve of her children, and to remember the father and the husband that was a part and is a part of them. In 92 days, her husband’s life has been a viable piece to each of them. He is alive to them in so many ways.
People could have learned a great deal from her in these past 92 days.
".....but seeing those seven tubs downstairs. Seven tubs. A man's life reduced to seven plastic tubs. David's life. That is all there is left. All that is here. I know that David's life meant so much more - he touched so many people, reached into their lives, came to where they were at, valued them, comforted them, taught them, lifted them up, led them into God's presence, worshipped God with them. He impacted so many people. I don't want Him to be forgotten. I don't want it come down to seven tubs. My heart cries out. How can a man that great - who touched so many - start to be forgotten so quickly. "
In 92 days, she has celebrated 2 birthdays, acknowledged another, made it through an anniversary, a Mother's Day, a hospitalization of her mother, a hospitalization of her father, a death of a family pet, a dance recital, lead a very large conference, a surgery for her father, a family retreat and in 5 days, she will make it through the first Father's Day since the passing of her husband; 92 days ago.
Her closest friends are telling her she has to move on. She has to keep going. They advise her to look at the 'good things.' They do not mention her husband’s name nor acknowledge memories. In 92 days, she has been the solid foundation for her children's grief. In the safeness of their home, they grieve openly and at the end of the day, they unwind after keeping their hearts in control so that others do not remark that daddy is in a better place or to say that children are resilient, or to keep on celebrating the new normal.
In 92 days, she has bagged up all her husband's clothing, gave away the bed they once shared, made a room for herself and has dwindled her husband's life into 7 storage bins. But, they tell her to move on and accept that he is gone.
Each of these 92 days, she has found reason to praise and be thankful. She has made it through every heart wrenching detail on her own. Each of these 92 days, she has proven to her children that yes, they can be resilient, but that does not mean that daddy is forgotten, they are able to all grieve together and still praise God together, and she is still mom and is required to be solid. But they tell her to move on and they show her in ways of abandonment, excusing, redirecting and/or ignoring.
In these past few days, she has questioned herself - the woman who is holding the hands and spirits of her children, she questions if perhaps they are right. Is she supposed to move on, seek a new normal, pack up the 7 tubs, close the door and be done? Is it healthy for her and her children to stifle the memories, the moments, the montage of experience in front of family and friends? Is this what grief is about - after 92 days?
92 days will soon turn into 184 days, 364 days, 728 days, 1456 days and so on. Each of those days, she will continue to build, to exist in this new life, to strengthen the resolve of her children, and to remember the father and the husband that was a part and is a part of them. In 92 days, her husband’s life has been a viable piece to each of them. He is alive to them in so many ways.
People could have learned a great deal from her in these past 92 days.
".....but seeing those seven tubs downstairs. Seven tubs. A man's life reduced to seven plastic tubs. David's life. That is all there is left. All that is here. I know that David's life meant so much more - he touched so many people, reached into their lives, came to where they were at, valued them, comforted them, taught them, lifted them up, led them into God's presence, worshipped God with them. He impacted so many people. I don't want Him to be forgotten. I don't want it come down to seven tubs. My heart cries out. How can a man that great - who touched so many - start to be forgotten so quickly. "
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Holding on Tightly
I have come to this conclusion - I am clinging to something that is slipping through my fingers. I have not figured this out until now - on the 14 year of my child's birth. I am not controlling, I am holding. It is no doubt that I have struggled hard with this child; but during these past summer weeks, I have discovered that it takes much energy to even be pleasant with him. Conversation comes out as orders or directions or advisement rather than something surrounded by love and respect. Our confused paths of interpretation often lead to embattled conclusion.
This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement. The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left. I laugh thinking that conversations are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this. Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving. Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door. So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!
This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement. The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left. I laugh thinking that conversations are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this. Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving. Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door. So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Road Less Traveled
This is an overly used title and for that matter, so it the phrase...I am having difficulty lately with titles, i suppose. I am also having incredible difficulty of navigating the road I am on. I am not sure whom to listen to, whom to advise, whom to walk away from, and whom to cut ties with. I have chosen this road, this is clear. I saw it and without even looking at the map ahead, I stepped on blindly and began my journey. I have written about this quite a few times, whether it be on my blog, in my journals or on napkins at coffee shops - laugh.
I have taken the Road Less Traveled and on this path, i have met with many faulty characters - characters in costume that believe they are able to walk the same walk. On the same road, there have been exemplary experiences, honored individuals, and confounding views. I have been educated along the way and have harnessed a knowledge that was not within sight before.
Today, I question the reason for these other 'players' I cross paths during this walk. Why are they there? Why do they show such hypocrisy when this road does not allow for such character? I know this does not all belong to me and I am never to say I am not at fault; but the blatancy of such acts has me questions their presence.
I simply need to get this in writing - that is all. To cast it to the wind and to be no more. But I have to be honest when I say I want to scream and shout, "Get off the road!"
I am not sure how this comes across. I am troubled. That is all. Troubled that there are people out there who jump out in this path i am taking and challenge me with great insincerity, blindness and hypocrisy.
I have taken the Road Less Traveled and on this path, i have met with many faulty characters - characters in costume that believe they are able to walk the same walk. On the same road, there have been exemplary experiences, honored individuals, and confounding views. I have been educated along the way and have harnessed a knowledge that was not within sight before.
Today, I question the reason for these other 'players' I cross paths during this walk. Why are they there? Why do they show such hypocrisy when this road does not allow for such character? I know this does not all belong to me and I am never to say I am not at fault; but the blatancy of such acts has me questions their presence.
I simply need to get this in writing - that is all. To cast it to the wind and to be no more. But I have to be honest when I say I want to scream and shout, "Get off the road!"
I am not sure how this comes across. I am troubled. That is all. Troubled that there are people out there who jump out in this path i am taking and challenge me with great insincerity, blindness and hypocrisy.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiDukXIeVY
It Started.....
It started with a dance, an examination, an impression of bewilderment and it has risen from those beginnings into something adoring, cemented, breath taking, uncharted and completely guided by a Third Party.
It started with a phone call, an email, a thought, a mention of a name and it is now charged in connection that has been sparked by a mere moment.
It started in the dark and in the quiet of the evening when tears fell hard and never ceased to stop. It has now transformed the two of us and the light is prevalent, guiding our days with flashes of blessings and gratefulness.
It started with wonderment, mystery, and ambiguity and has transformed me.
It started with a song, a dance, a memory, a phone call, a desire to be, to hold, to cry, to follow....
It is......
It is something I am called to be
It is something powerful and effortless
It is something that has become everything to me
It is something that makes me sing, dance, proclaim, praise, search, shout, weep, and bow in grace.
I stop and i find stillness in this - in this ....which started from a dance.
It Started.....
It started with a dance, an examination, an impression of bewilderment and it has risen from those beginnings into something adoring, cemented, breath taking, uncharted and completely guided by a Third Party.
It started with a phone call, an email, a thought, a mention of a name and it is now charged in connection that has been sparked by a mere moment.
It started in the dark and in the quiet of the evening when tears fell hard and never ceased to stop. It has now transformed the two of us and the light is prevalent, guiding our days with flashes of blessings and gratefulness.
It started with wonderment, mystery, and ambiguity and has transformed me.
It started with a song, a dance, a memory, a phone call, a desire to be, to hold, to cry, to follow....
It is......
It is something I am called to be
It is something powerful and effortless
It is something that has become everything to me
It is something that makes me sing, dance, proclaim, praise, search, shout, weep, and bow in grace.
I stop and i find stillness in this - in this ....which started from a dance.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Change in Tide
It's a lame title, i know --- but i am finding that the phrase, "Older and Wiser" holds much merit. I am getting older - i feel it in every capacity and my dialogue reflects that of which i used to make fun. Please indulge in this somewhat LONG train of thought in this post this evening.
Older and Wiser
1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating. I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.' ...... John and I rarely fight any more. I am no longer needing to be 'understood.' I am just not that 'complex' anymore. I have 'Wised Up.'
2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs. "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!" "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away." "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Old people, that's who. I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.
3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now. I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks.
4. Friendships: I have always kept few but close friends. I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content. I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end. I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.' This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.
5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days. I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche.
6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?" There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled. I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.
7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident. I think what is more evident is my adaptation. I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before. This is something that is remarkable to me. I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children. They are not there yet. Knowledge to them is not treasured. It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.
8. Money: Money's importance is on the future. The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.
9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening. Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.
Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
Abraham Lincoln
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne
Thanks for listening.
Older and Wiser
1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating. I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.' ...... John and I rarely fight any more. I am no longer needing to be 'understood.' I am just not that 'complex' anymore. I have 'Wised Up.'
2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs. "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!" "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away." "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Old people, that's who. I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.
3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now. I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks.
4. Friendships: I have always kept few but close friends. I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content. I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end. I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.' This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.
5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days. I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche.
6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?" There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled. I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.
7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident. I think what is more evident is my adaptation. I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before. This is something that is remarkable to me. I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children. They are not there yet. Knowledge to them is not treasured. It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.
8. Money: Money's importance is on the future. The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.
9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening. Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.
Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
Abraham Lincoln
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne
Thanks for listening.
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