Holding on Tightly

I have come to this conclusion - I am clinging to something that is slipping through my fingers.  I have not figured this out until now - on the 14 year of my child's birth.  I am not controlling, I am holding. It is no doubt that I have struggled hard with this child; but during these past summer weeks, I have discovered that it takes much energy to even be pleasant with him.  Conversation comes out as orders or directions or advisement rather than something surrounded by love and respect.  Our confused paths of interpretation often lead to embattled conclusion.

This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement.  The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left.  I laugh thinking that conversations  are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this.  Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving.  Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door.  So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!