Easier to be?

Last night, I went out with a friend of mine.  We have known each other off and on since our kids were in preschool together - roughly 10  years.  In the last two years, we have sought a connection within the other and our time together is filled with laughter, heavy sarcasm, present life forces and ...did i say, laughter?

It takes little effort to 'be' with this woman.  I can not say this statement rung true 10 years ago when i was a young mother, captured within my own navigation and molding of moments around me.  Authenticity strongly revels within me and the compromise of this often shackles my insides; and yet, 10 years ago, I probably compromised quite a bit.

So, I question; what was the issue in these past years that we never found the other?  Were we both on a traveled journey that hadeventually lead us to the other? Certainly.  I question why those journeys were so different.  What were we trying to prove? Find? Discover? Hide?  It's all on the table now but oh so sheltered back then.

How does age gracefully grant you into the world of 'Let's Be Real'

Is it because, as I *do* age in this continuum, i am a stronger individual?  I feign not.  Is it because I am wise enough to be who I am, regardless of perception -- I think i like this answer best.

I am still learning, i am still on that road, but I am more comfortable in my own skin than once was.

So, perhaps 44 isn't so bad after all (laugh).

In ten years I will be 54.  My children will be 24, 22, 20 and 12.  What will I be writing about then?  Who  will I be counting on as friends.  I have few that have been with me for many many years and I can only hope that we are still holding hands together as we travel on.

Thanks for listening.
Katie

Midlife Crisis??

Wearing MOM jeans today

Trying to punk them out a bit

                The above pictures are the result of some texts I sent out this morning to a friend.  

Certainly, I am not in crisis but more or less following protocol. I have barely begun my 44th  rotation around this sun and I am already dreading getting closer to number 45.  

This is the year --
- the wrinkles
- the flab
- the blatant c-section scar that now does not look back at me as a cute little reward but an added pock to the rest of this body's transformation
-groans and moans and aches

Last Saturday, john and I went out.  We played cards at a coffee shop while the remainder of the store front filled in with people in eager anticipation for the band that was getting set up to play.  The music got too loud for john and as we exited, he looked across to the movie theater and as he got into the car, I heard him say, "9:35pm for the start time of a movie???"

I wanted to scream -- "YES JOHN -- 9:35!!!  We used to go to theater plays in LA that didn't even begin until 11pm.  9:35 movies was early.  Only old married people went to the 7:05 showing.  Families with kids. Poor single people who wanted to get home in time for the melodrama they were following on TV. We'd go to a movie and then out to dinner!"

Presently, it is not uncommon for John to ask, "Well, should we watch the news and then go to bed?"

WHO ARE WE????  I used to make fun of that sentence when i heard it from others.   Usually, when he asks this, I barely have my eyes open anyway.

I AM in crisis.

Last night, I looked forward to watching Madonna at the Super Bowl Half Time show.  She was my Lady Gaga back in the day.  I dressed like her, I blasted her songs, our family Doberman was even named after her.  She is 10 years older than me and even though she did a phenomenal job - it was very tamed.  Her dance moves were slowed and less risky, she even tripped up a bit at one point.  All the sparkle went to the surrounding dancers.  She is physically fit, but truth be told, she may fall down and break a hip or something (laugh).  I walked away from her performance with my reality stirred.

This is not an argument for wanting to stay young.  This is a reality check of where I am at.  I am at the threshold of something different.  I am not quite looking forward to it, but I do know that I have to make the most of it.


In marking my own children's birthdays we gladly exclaim
- "Wow, you are 1 years old!"
- "Look at that, you are a whole hand now."
- "My goodness, now you are 2 whole hands."
- "You are now a teenager....great things are coming your way."

no one was at my door this year congratulating me for turning 44.  Nor do I anticipate a grand induction into number 45.

So, how do I mark this entry into something that reminds me of the "no longer" days.  Not sure.

John works with a very creative and talented man. I am guessing that he is not yet 30.  He recently did all the graphics for an upcoming music video.  There is a CD release party this Friday night.  If I don't wear my eddie bauer jeans and sensible J.Jill top, I am wondering if we would still stick out.  "Why are those old people in the corner?  Is that prune juice i see them drinking?  Isn't the news about to come on? shouldn't they be home by now?"

My children remind me almost daily that I just don't 'have it' and i love saying aloud to them, "Well, back in MY day...." I also inform them that this whole getting old bit is just as new to me as perhaps their new journey into teenage hood.  I've never been here before.  But instead of running eagerly to meet up with those years, I find myself clinging and fighting. ... and writing about an impending midlife crisis.

One day, I shall reflect back on the year that I complained with i turned 44.  I will get mad at my younger self and scream back, "You were 44!  The world was your oyster!"

I am keenly aware of my days.
Thanks for listening.