Counting My Days

The weight of my shoulder rests upon the window pane.  I hold in my hands a fresh cup of coffee and the steam makes quick designs upon the glass.  The glittering snow glides down to it's frozen placement and sparkles it's arrival.  I hear the spinning wheels of the mailman mark his way from top to bottom of our residential home...stopping at each mail box, crunching snow beneath it's weighty figure. 

My eyes squint as the sunset hits and the hues of orange and red add splendor to the winter scene. 

My side gets more heavy as I reminisce of just weeks ago; body sprawled on the driveway, sun on my face, toddler on his bike, perhaps a glass of red wine by my side.  This is no longer, and the melody of that day softly stays and sings within.

Winter covers.  It does not negotiate.  It blankets all the wrong and mistakes made and forgives.  There are days when one feels Winter harbors a grudge against you as your slip, slide, shiver and shake your way through the day.  I try to make peace with it - but maybe like a child who knows she has done wrong in the eyes of the parent, i often steer clear of it's path.

I have experienced 18 winters.  The lack of welcoming in the season should have eased with time and yet, I stand at the window - contemplative and questioning how these following days, weeks and months will be numbered until I am back out in the beauty and warmth of it's melt.

The Majesty of it's white coat is here and should be marveled and revered, from the inside of a warmed pane and coffee in my grip.

Thanks for listening

Words

Dependence....Reliance.... Trust....Confidence.....Expectation.......Support....Responsibility

I take in these words, write them down, concentrate upon them and reflect in the significance of each. I hesitate in each meaning and wonder in responsibility. This blog is turning into something else. It is becoming a place for me to place my heart for a few minutes before I collect it and put it back in its place. A decision to shed the awareness of thought within my present and understanding....feeling an established and guided placement of direction.

But question. Always in question.

How much do you give of yourself?
When does giving become harmful?
If you don't feel compromised, but see question in the eyes of others, do you mark their worth?
When should you let others be and when should you step in for their lack thereof?
Is Doing Your Best....actually, doing your best?
Is it detrimental to follow your heart?

There are many days when my calendar dictates the care of two active families. This has become a part of me; a true part of who I am, even how I define myself from time to time. How decisions are made.  I am following the tide that God has allowed for me and smile when i actively see transition. But I have to take in those momentary breathes of pause, sit, be still and question.

Coldplay Song --- playing it over and over again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E&ob=av2e

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I


Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face


And I


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you


8 Months - Today...it has been 8 months

She has experienced those days that give her a glimpse of what light shining on her really feels like. She laughs in this light and it brings a lilt to her step – but then, without notice, the door slams in her face and she is lost in the darkness once again. There is little to feed her when this happens, but she is faithful and looks for that light to come again. She knows it will; but the endurance at times is unbearable. But…it is there.

In 8 months, she has had to change and move on without David – as much as she has hesitated, regretted or felt powerless in the process. She has allowed me to come into her life in a way that would never be allowed before; this has been a very conscious choice for only her David has been closer. She holds 2 jobs and conquers a ‘Things to Do’ list that never would hold such urgency 8 months ago – but this list keeps her mind busy and her body from crumbling.

I wonder….if David walked through his front door today, would he even recognize this wife of his; this woman who is in constant redefinition. She has phenomenal strength and exceptional tenacity that provide an unmatched strength to her children.  She proves to her children strength beyond measure, a muscle, a force, a potency.

In 8 months, she has not compromised the ideals and values of her family. As difficult as it has been, she has lead a life of grace and integrity and has been determined to not be compromised. At times, she feels embarrassed to the grieving widow. People do not know how to approach her, grieve with her, or walk along the path of this journey.

In 8 months, she has surpassed her grieving peers.  When comparing to others within this time continuum, she is leaps and bounds above where they are at - and  yet, those around are often perplexed that she is not 'moved on.'  I sometimes tell her that she is climbing Mt. Everest and passing those around her without an even wearing an oxygen tank.

She amazes me, astonishes me and surprises me. More people should have the privilege of knowing her.

Those questions will always come and creep up on me when I least expect them.  I look for answers, but at the end of the day, turn to my blog and write.

Thanks for listening.