Midlife Crisis??

Wearing MOM jeans today

Trying to punk them out a bit

                The above pictures are the result of some texts I sent out this morning to a friend.  

Certainly, I am not in crisis but more or less following protocol. I have barely begun my 44th  rotation around this sun and I am already dreading getting closer to number 45.  

This is the year --
- the wrinkles
- the flab
- the blatant c-section scar that now does not look back at me as a cute little reward but an added pock to the rest of this body's transformation
-groans and moans and aches

Last Saturday, john and I went out.  We played cards at a coffee shop while the remainder of the store front filled in with people in eager anticipation for the band that was getting set up to play.  The music got too loud for john and as we exited, he looked across to the movie theater and as he got into the car, I heard him say, "9:35pm for the start time of a movie???"

I wanted to scream -- "YES JOHN -- 9:35!!!  We used to go to theater plays in LA that didn't even begin until 11pm.  9:35 movies was early.  Only old married people went to the 7:05 showing.  Families with kids. Poor single people who wanted to get home in time for the melodrama they were following on TV. We'd go to a movie and then out to dinner!"

Presently, it is not uncommon for John to ask, "Well, should we watch the news and then go to bed?"

WHO ARE WE????  I used to make fun of that sentence when i heard it from others.   Usually, when he asks this, I barely have my eyes open anyway.

I AM in crisis.

Last night, I looked forward to watching Madonna at the Super Bowl Half Time show.  She was my Lady Gaga back in the day.  I dressed like her, I blasted her songs, our family Doberman was even named after her.  She is 10 years older than me and even though she did a phenomenal job - it was very tamed.  Her dance moves were slowed and less risky, she even tripped up a bit at one point.  All the sparkle went to the surrounding dancers.  She is physically fit, but truth be told, she may fall down and break a hip or something (laugh).  I walked away from her performance with my reality stirred.

This is not an argument for wanting to stay young.  This is a reality check of where I am at.  I am at the threshold of something different.  I am not quite looking forward to it, but I do know that I have to make the most of it.


In marking my own children's birthdays we gladly exclaim
- "Wow, you are 1 years old!"
- "Look at that, you are a whole hand now."
- "My goodness, now you are 2 whole hands."
- "You are now a teenager....great things are coming your way."

no one was at my door this year congratulating me for turning 44.  Nor do I anticipate a grand induction into number 45.

So, how do I mark this entry into something that reminds me of the "no longer" days.  Not sure.

John works with a very creative and talented man. I am guessing that he is not yet 30.  He recently did all the graphics for an upcoming music video.  There is a CD release party this Friday night.  If I don't wear my eddie bauer jeans and sensible J.Jill top, I am wondering if we would still stick out.  "Why are those old people in the corner?  Is that prune juice i see them drinking?  Isn't the news about to come on? shouldn't they be home by now?"

My children remind me almost daily that I just don't 'have it' and i love saying aloud to them, "Well, back in MY day...." I also inform them that this whole getting old bit is just as new to me as perhaps their new journey into teenage hood.  I've never been here before.  But instead of running eagerly to meet up with those years, I find myself clinging and fighting. ... and writing about an impending midlife crisis.

One day, I shall reflect back on the year that I complained with i turned 44.  I will get mad at my younger self and scream back, "You were 44!  The world was your oyster!"

I am keenly aware of my days.
Thanks for listening.

Change in Tide

It's a lame title, i know --- but i am finding that the phrase, "Older and Wiser" holds much merit.  I am getting older - i feel it in every capacity and my dialogue reflects that of which i used to make fun.  Please indulge in this somewhat LONG train of thought in this post this evening.
Older and Wiser

1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating.  I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.'  ...... John and I rarely fight any more.  I am no longer needing to be 'understood.'  I am just not that 'complex' anymore.  I have 'Wised Up.'

2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs.  "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!"  "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away."  "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?  Old people, that's who.  I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.

3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now.  I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks. 

4. Friendships:  I have always kept few but close friends.  I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content.  I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end.  I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.'  This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.

5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days.  I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche. 

6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?"  There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled.  I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.

7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident.  I think what is more evident is my adaptation.  I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before.  This is something that is remarkable to me.  I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children.  They are not there yet.  Knowledge to them is not treasured.  It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.

8. Money:  Money's importance is on the future.  The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.

9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening.  Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.

Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.

Abraham Lincoln

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne

Thanks for listening.