"you're name is katie? that's awesome..."

The cute blond 14 year old with a feather in her hair responds with this after I introduce myself as Mrs. Avenson, Perry's mom. "I saw your name in the school directory;  you're name's Katie?  That's awesome."  I nodded with a confident yes, indicating back to her that yes, indeed, it *is* awesome that my name is Katie.  She took a handful of chips and walked out of the room.

As the sun rose, filling my kitchen with a soft glow, the impending evening looked so much different than what played out in reality.   School dance for 2 boys.  A church lock in for a 10 year old and a very independent and quiet evening with husband and baby.  Maybe escape for a few hours here or there.

But I do not have the gift of prophecy, and consequentially, have to live accordingly.

Afternoon Text:
P: Is it okay if I hold the anti-dance at our house tonight?  (for those of you not in the know - the anti dance is when a group of kids think it is cool to ban the officially organized school dance)
 *** This text was sent at 12:54 - at the tail end of Perry's lunch period

M: How many

P: Around 10 - 14

M: No!  5 - 6 friends, yes.  No more than that.
***I can easily say yes to the 5 - 6 simply because I know these kids.  I see them weekly and during the summer days, I see them daily.  And, I like them all.

From there; communication went all down hill.  The teenager who forever is noted as a keen negotiator ultimately played his father and I against the other - blaming it all on miscommunication.  This makes me laugh --- now.  earlier, it was a different story.

Looking through Perry's phone just minutes ago, within the hour of the first initial communication to mom -  texts went flying out to all his friends, "So, I am probably hosting the anti-dance party tonight, let me know if you can come."   Going back further in his texts, late the other night, perry had sent out a mass text asking, "Soooo, do we know who is going to host the Anti-Dance party."  The wheels were already in motion.

The 5 - 6 friends turned quickly into 12 and how we got to this was a path that was not part of my morning vision early today.  It was rocky, it was loud, it was exhausting.

I explained to my son, you ultimately had a choice in how this played out this evening.  You could have had a mom who reacted with kindness, support, and excitement.  Instead, your mother put her head down and silently said to herself, "I can' t believe he is asking of me again."  I explained that if he was a balanced member in this family - if he contributed his time, his conversation, his responsibility then my decision would easily have been made.  Instead, he received a mother full of question and lack of willingness.  It had nothing to do with the impact of my evening.  It had everything to do with his motivation as a teen and member.

I went to the store, i bought a bag of cheap tortilla chips, a jar of salsa,  a canister of lemonade and a box of fruit snacks.

Yummy Party Eats! Beautiful Display

Displaying the contents on the table, I say. "Perry, *this* is what this party looks like to me.  This is the effort I am willing to give it.  You don't get the mom who wants to help you make the most of the evening.  This is what it looks like; when you take advantage of situations provided for you."

Soon after my TV talk show mantra, John entered from work.  "Perry, explain to me why you told me that mom told you 8 kids would be okay and why you asked me to bump it up to 11?"

Perry looked a bit bewildered -- trying to figure out how his separate conversations between the parents got back to the other.

Ironically, during our conversation, Perry's phone began to receive one text after the next about this person being able to come and that person being able to come.  He looked confused, discouraged, and out of luck.  Trying his best, he asked, 'What am I supposed to do? All these people want to come now."   We responded, "You tell them that you are very sorry, but they can not come."  We also added that if he wants to feed his friends any more than what is provided, he has to figure that out as well.

Now, sitting here as all the kids dance in the adjacent room, I laugh as I read through perry's frantic text messages from friends. "What do you mean I can't come now?"  "If i bring a bag of chips, can I come."  "If i don't have anything to bring, can I still come?"  "SO, i can't come at 7?  Can I come at 8 instead?" "So, Amy is not coming.  Can I come now?"  "But, you told me to invite the guys at the lunch table next to us." "I don't think i understand."

Perry had his own mess to clean up.  I grabbed my keys, got the other two children into the car and took them to their respective evening destinations.

The Disco LED Light Show

Upon returning, I counted the heads of kids bopping around the room with mood lighting, disco lights, and glow sticks....9 in total.  Some had brought food and perry was happy.

I have to admit, it was fun to see him squirm for a bit.  His best laid plans unraveling before him and his parents were not willing to cast him a line.

I asked him just now, "Perry, how do you think your party is going?"
"It's better than I thought it would be."
"How so?"
"Well, i wanted to get more stuff set up, i would have liked to have more people, but i think everyone is having fun."

Parenting is hard.  I am not at all afraid to admit this.  Earlier today, I called my husband as I was picking up the 2/$3.00 tortilla chips.  "Hi," he said as he answered the phone.  "So, when are you and I going to enroll in the Hard Ass School of Parenting?  Why are we so soft?  I told him 5 to 6 kids and now, apparently he told me that you said 8 kids was okay,"  "No.  He told me that YOU said 8 was okay."

My child simply wants to enjoy time with his friends.  That is it.  A parent who was chaperoning the school dance this evening texted to tell me that the girls who set their purses down inevitably had things stolen out of them.  I know this is not where my children are at.  I can be thankful of this.

_____

The party is now over.  All 9 guests left the house with smiles on their faces, gratitude on their lips, and memories of a 9th grade "Anti-Dance" party.  I hope I did good.

Thanks for listening.

Change in Tide

Earlier this afternoon, I was all but ready to post another "motherly angst against teenager" post.  As I drive 12 year old to a school event, I made the conscious decision to simply bury the issue.  I came home, hugged my 14 year old and told him I loved him  and sarcastically added that we will make it through.  Albeit a humorous additive to life, this is not what holds down the weight to my days.  The significance to my life always and forever will be my husband and children and I have ultimatelly found balance between my home environment, my need and desire to parent my children and my goal to be a supportive wife to my husband.

 But....

I am again, called to grieve and carry on with a friend.

This past December, Joy had to deliver some life changing news to her children. In addition, her back gave out on her and she has been coping in this life during the Christmas season with a very compromised physicality.  

Without wanting to face the reality, it has been getting progressively worse and because of this, her world has been in great need.   Today, her 10 year old daughter and I went out to complete the birthday shopping for the soon to be 13 year old this Saturday.  Upon returning home, Joy texts me to let me know that she her leg is going numb below her knee.  She calls the doctor and he orders an MRI.  How do you go to an ER with 4 scared kids and tell them that Mommy needs to get an MRI....the understanding that a back needs to be fixed is the logical view, but the emotional weight of a sick parent is too much to carry on young souls.

As she and I were on the phone talking, my 14 year old was outside shoveling the remainder of the snow off the driveway.  He was in great need of raising the remainder of his Ski Lift Ticket.  I approached him with a smile on my face, "Well, dear, you are in good luck, I need to go to the hospital, and YOU get to babysit your baby brother.  You should be free and clear with your finances by tomorrow."

So, with great enforcement, one friend comes in, gathers all of Joy's children to bring them to Grandmas house.  I arrive and get Joy into the car.

I sit as she lays upon the bed and tell her that I am writing.  I do not tell her that I am tearing on the inside as to why this is happening.  There is no *good* in this.  The intake nurse states, "It says here that David Plaisted is your emergency contact - is this still the case?"  "No, he died in March" came the quiet reply.

I write.  I write through the bad, the awful,, the ugly and the good.  I am trying to find the good.

Tomorrow, I will pile 5 large teenagers in my car with skis and snowboards, helmets, boots, etc.  I am able to afford a living memory for my son and I think to a certain degree, I am encouraging this friendship that he has with his very good friends.  Friends that any mom would be happy to have in her home.  This is good.

Thanks for listening.

Dialogue in Teenage-Hood

Toddlers have shirts crafted after their life motivation: making the world all about them ~  "Mine-Mine-Mine"  This is an expected phase and adults often excuse this behavior as the presumed and anticipated.  


During these present moments, I am experiencing this same model, not with my toddler but with my 14 year old. I often think that marketers have missed their mark.  Those cute 2T t-shirts that have toddler-esque tag lines are wasted on the young.   The whole 'mine' and 'no' and 'here comes trouble' can just as easily be applied to teenagers.


A bit of conversation in timeline of past days---- i hope you can follow along.  But first - some ground rules (if not mentioned before).


1. Music instruments are to be practiced 5 days a week.  If not achieved, then music lessons that week are to be paid by participant.


2. Chores are expected each and every day.  Responsibility lies solely on the family member.  If no chores are completed, then no payment is received for said chore.


3 Payday is every other Friday


January 9 - 13 (payday 1/13)
Knowing he had a ski date coming up on the 21, he worked very hard this week to earn enough money to go.  He also knew that payday was the 13th, so all monies had to be acquired by the 13th to be able to go.      Getting him to do guitar practice was a battle that week.


January 16 - 20
No Chores.  None.  Sat on his small butt on the couch. Wandered around the house with hands in his pockets.  Built legos. Wandered some more.  Gave short, one word answers when attempting to engage in conversation.  On Friday afternoon, he practiced guitar on his own.  (guitar lessons are on Tuesdays. Beginning on Friday was calculated out - this would be the first of five days of practice)


Saturday: Skiing all day.  9am - 9pm.  He gets home around 9:30.  Dead tired.  Opens up guitar case, sits on his bed.  Plucks a few chords and stares at the floor on and off for 15 minutes.  "I'm going to bed," he declares when I make my presence known.  Ultimately, this means that he will be paying for lessons.  


Before he falls asleep, "Mom, my friend is having a surprise birthday party at the mall tomorrow.  We area all going to have lunch and then go see a movie.  It's at 2pm.  Soooo, can i go?"


"Perry, I am fresh out of money.  Do you have anything saved up from your chores?"
"I spent it on snowboarding today."
"Well, then, I'm afraid you can't go.  Sorry."
"Sooooo, you are saying that I can't go?"
"Yes, that is what you are hearing me tell you. My guess is that if you were consistent in doing chores on a daily basis, you would have plenty of money to go."


SUNDAY MORNING, JANUARY 22
"Mom, about today.  Is there a way that I can go to the party?"
Exasperated, "No, Perry.  You cannot go!"
Little sister adds into conversation, "Perry, I have 50 dollars if you want to borrow it."
"Hey, thanks!"  "Mom, so will you be able to drive me to the mall?  I need to be there before 2pm."
"I'm thinking you need to arrange your own ride on this one."
"Mom, I have it arranged that I will go with my friend's family if you are able to pick us up."
Coaching him: "Mom, is it okay if you pick me and my friend up from the Mall tonight? If so, i would really appreciate it."
He responds, "So, does that mean you will be picking us up tonight?"


Side Note: I pulled sister aside. I made her draft up a contract and Perry had to give up snowboard as collateral.  He gets until Sunday, January 29th to pay it off.


Because I am upset that he is able to go on his own 'borrowed' dime. I bring up the sensitive subject of guitar - that still has not been touched.


"Perry, I need to tell you that you owe me 20.00 for your lesson on Tuesday."
"Well, there is no way i can earn 20.00 before Tuesday."
"Then I have no choice - you will not be able to go and if you do not go, you are telling me that this is not a priority, but rather an expensive hobby.  I can't have this and will have to end your lessons."
"Well, okay, if you want to make that decision, then go ahead."


SUNDAY EVENING, JANUARY 22
"Mom, since i have no school on Friday, I'm thinking about getting a bunch of friends together to go snowboarding all day.  Would you be able to take us to Hyland?"


very agitated at this point.  
Another aside - many moons ago, i told him that if he earned half of the ski lift ticket, I would pay the rest.  I am regretting this statement.


Calmly:
"Perry, you owe your sister $15.00 from your time on Saturday.  You need to earn an additional $20.00 to go snowboarding.  How do you intend on making 35.00 this week?" (and of course, this Friday falls on a payday)
"I am going to go work on a contract right now and if I can earn more than 8 dollars a day with chores, i can do it."
"So, you are taking guitar off the table for good?"
"Well, i won't be able to earn 20 by Tuesday and *you* are the one who made that decision...soooo, i guess.....ya."


again...getting agitated. Here is this boy willing to work his butt off for something he really wants: Mall and Snowboarding.  But not something that is a privilege and an art...AND he was the one that encouraged both his father and I to agree to giving him lessons.  He REALLY wanted this. 


MONDAY AFTERNOON AFTER SCHOOL
"Mom, here is my list of chores that I am going to do.  I can earn 7 dollars to today and I can earn 10 tomorrow - IF i am allowed to watch Sidney for an hour and do other chores. So, I can pay lucy off and begin to work on my lift ticket for Hyland." 


"So, it looks like you have 17.00 earned by Tuesday.  This means that you are close to 20.00!  YOU CAN PAY FOR GUITAR!!


"What?!  Well, what about Hyland?!" 


"Perry, you need to figure out what your priorities are.  You have said that you wanted to stay in guitar, but I was pulling rank on you with having to put your money into it.  Being that you really want to stay in it, here is your chance my dear!"  


A mumbled, "Okay,  i will do guitar."


"Good Choice!'


"So, that means that I will really need to work hard this week to earn the extra money for Hyland."


Yesterday, he worked from 3 - 7 doing all kinds of chores around the house.  


I don't see him being able to carry this off --- but knowing my son, he is going to find a way.  I have already taken babysitting off the table as i have told him that if he showed he was a contributing member of this house and had a good track record, I would be more than happy to give him a couple of babysitting jobs to earn extra money.  Both last night and tonight, I will be going out.  Lucy, the 10 year old,  has been in charge.  I have left after the baby has fallen asleep, so the responsibility is minimal.   He has also been said No to on other occasions because of his lack of responsibility around here.  


So, akin to my younger self in trying to navigate a perfect system to, I am still trying to figure it all out.  


Thanks for listening 


Extra:
1. When you're a teenager, 'No' is a complete sentence
2. Raising teenagers is like trying wrestle slippery pigs with your hands tied behind your back
3. Having teenagers is like living with a bowling alley inside your head
4. Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young
5. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O  to a tree

in Continuation

Yesterday afternoon, I was cleaning up our home mudroom.  It wasn't anything horrific - an easy pick up and then mopping of the floors.  The 14 year old comes down and in exasperation, states, 'Don't clean this up, this is what I am going to do for money tomorrow!"  I continue on, as I wanted to get it out of the way and i was not in the mood to wait for his when and how.   Today, late morning, I am vacuuming up the sunroom - as no one did it yesterday.  From the downstairs playroom, he marches on up, opens the door and states, "Don't vacuum this room, this is what I am going to do today to earn money for skiing."

I finish up my job and wait around - as he pranced back downstairs to work on his latest lego design.  An hour slips by, I take the liberty of folding the clothes, cleaning up breakfast dishes and dust.  12:00 roles around and he comes back upstairs with his proposed check list of chores for the day.  He was a taken aback that many of them were already done.

I quickly call a family meeting -for this whole week as been one excuse after the next as to why the three of them can not do their intended chores.  My voice raises as i explain to them the value of budgeting and prove to them that their father doesn't get to go to work on Monday and bring home money Monday evening.  Or he doesn't get to go in on Tuesday and decide to work extra hard for just a little bit more cash.  I had already instructed that 'pay day' is every other week and they have to budget their money.  They look at me as if I was crazy.  the 14 year old asks how is he supposed to go skiing tomorrow if he can't earn money today. I told them all that their mother has a compassionate heart and because she does (and because they seem to take advantage of this from time to time), I was willing to let them work today for money for tomorrow.
 _______

Music lessons; we have two pianists and one guitarist.  75.00 a week goes out for this privilege.  The expectation from teacher and parent is that practice is 5 days a week for 30 minutes.  that has been a standard for quite some time.  This past week, the dad says, "You have not been practicing.  If this is important to you, you will find a way.  If you do not find time to practice, you will be paying for your next up coming lesson."  Present consequence: the two piano players will need to show up to class tomorrow with 25.00.  The 10 year old always has a stash of cash and this didn't' seem to phase her.  the 12 year old needs to figure out a way to earn 25.00.

----------

After conversation with the kids, I tell them that I am going to go take an hour to myself and jokingly tell them that I was going to go figure out a fool proof plan for chores in this family.  We generally discuss what would be a good plan and I leave on a high note with them.  We were laughing, I hugged them, told them that I love them and said i would be back in an hour and as i was closing the door behind me, I loudly said, 'Use this time wisely."

------------

3:40pm.  I have been home for an hour and a half.  the 14 year old has done some chores, but i have not inspected them.  When i came home, he was desensitizing all the door handles and when he finished he came to me and said, "When you were gone, i looked on line for high paying chore jobs and cleaning the door handles pays out 5.00."  To which i replied, "And who's family did this come from? ... Not yours"

The 12 and 10 year old were happily having lunch.  As I conversed with them, I asked lightly, "So, what did you did during this hour to be productive?"  "We read." came the unison answer.

3:42: 12 year old and 14 year old are outside with friends and will soon be going to the park.  10 year old is now asking if i can play a game of cards with her.

I told their father this morning that all this is going to rest with him when he gets home.  Tonight, we will have a family meeting and one more chore system will be put into place.  I have tried way too many and none seem to be successful. any ideas?

ongoing
thanks

Benevolence



Kindness Jar



Tis the month of December.  This cursor blinks as I think about the magnitude of responsibility this month carries with it.  It is not a month to take in lightly.  It's not February ~ Black History Month.  It is not March ~ good 'ol St. Paddy's Day, nor is it July ~ the celebration month of our nation.  It is December --- the month of benevolence, kindness, compassion towards others, goodwill, altruism, etc, etc. 

December stresses me out because this is the month, as a parent, that I feel I need to ramp up all the good things we are supposed to do.  My money to my local charities are padded and even my garbage man leaves me an envelope, enticing me to fill it with Christmas cash. 

When December rolls around, I try to plan for "family moments" to share and embrace.  I ask questions like, "What play should we go see this year?"  "How can we volunteer to help others?"  "What needs in church should be filled?"  and the end result is stress.  I am stressed and I don't need to be. 

Why is it that the month of December needs to be a time to remember others? 

Why am I asked in the month of December is I want to add an extra dollar here, or add in a $20.00 donation there?  Why do I feel the pressure to place my kids under the miscroscope of "positiveness" and "charitability"

This year, I inducted a "Kindness Jar." and I told my kids that they only thing I want fof Christmas form them is a significant act of kindness.   The "Kindness Jar" is a glass jar that sits upon our table with color coded pieces of paper and when they do an act of kindness, they are instructed to write it out and place it into the vase.  These will then be all read on Christmas day.  In theory, it sounded like a solid plan.  My children will be encouraged to do 'kind deeds' during the giving month of December...but on January 1, this is all supposed to stop?  The 'Kindness Jar' will be emptied and put back into the cupboard, the sales clerks will stop berating me for those few extra dollars, my extra donations to church will come to an end and my children and I will no longer need to be attentive to those in need.

(note: i had three additional paragraphs that closed this little segment off quite nicely....but somehow they disappeared.  I will not be fixing this now...hopefully in the near future)

Thanks for listening and if you find this blog and you find yourself to be in the 'giving' frame of mind, please look at David's page and click on the 'donate' button.
http://davidplaisted.bbnow.org/

Battling with Borders

I have been itching inside lately. An itch that i can not find, a pestering sort of itch that needs a really good scratch and relief.

I have been faced - or perhaps it is I who is not necessarily being faced, but doing the seeking.

When the three children were barely making their markings on this Earth - I had clear vision on where each marking was to be placed. I mapped out their day to day and made sure that all were scheduled accordingly. Play dates were over before 1:00 pm and all heads were laying upon pillows promptly by 1:15. During summer months, small running legs and laughing children were interrupted from outside play - as quiet time was soon approaching and all needed moments of rest. This followed by a strict 8pm bed time with ritual of read alouds, bath time and tuck ins. This part was easy for us, for all were able to read in bed after good night kisses.


I was strict on borders and boundaries and proud of accomplished parenting -

I didn't know better.

Tonight is a school night. at 8:35pm, voices of children are heard outside. Mine are pj'd, teeth brushed, and in bed. in 20 minutes, they will hear my voice, "lights out."

Chores have now been the filler. Piano Practice. School Work. Earned Computer Time. Nothing seems to come easy in this house that is overseen by yours truly.

Recently, stories have filled the news of 13 year olds climbing Mt. Everest. 16 year old sailing the seas and 17 year olds rowing across the Atlantic alone. Olympic Athletes, X-Game participants, breath taking outdoor adventure seekers - most likely were not called in by their mother for quiet time every day at 1pm.

Today, two neighbor boys began fighting across the street, physically punching and yelling and hurting. I yelled, "Knock it off!" and as they stopped, they were left with heated words towards the other. Loud yells and accusations filled the surround. I sat and watched, prepared to interfere if needed, but let it go- my children were not actively involved. I was surprised, however, that the parent of the home the fight was brewing never stepped out of the house. This is not all together atypical. Her boys are let free and always have been. I am the parent with borders and she can't seem to find the line that is crossed daily. Her children are being raised in an independent, self-reliant world.

BREAK

I had to pause. The last sentence is true, but it is also true for my own children. They are all independent and self-reliant.

So, what is it? Why do i wear the badge of damage? Who are the 'good' parents? and what are their secrets to success? Have I stripped passion away from my children while stifling them with borders? with any decent border patrol, each one is keenly aware when the have crossed over and need to be put back in place. I think it's time to change hands. I think it's time to scratch that itch.