a showering

tonight, into the late evening, as the rain gathers in it's expressive descent upon my flowered deck; i think back to the past couple of hours.

All children were being watched by our fantastic neighbors and friends.

Tonight, I declared to my husband, "I need to be filled up."

Tonight, the two of us took off in the convertible jeep and made our way to a very grown up restaurant...not a child in site. (www.northcoastwayzata.com)

Tonight, my husband showered me with compliments on all spectrum's.
1. mother
2. wife
3. friend
4. katie

it doesn't take much to re-energize when the other to whom you feel so passionate about shares feelings of worthiness, love, adoration and appreciation.

Tonight, i laughed within adult context. I shared educated views. I listened with an intelligent ear. I conversed within a knowing and welcoming theme.

Tonight, our table was void of milk (white or chocolate), pasta, dried chicken, straws and crayons. The waitress did not once say, "Now, hon, watch it because this plate is hot."

The breeze off the lake complimented the clinking of our toasting glasses and the murmuring of adjacent adult conversation mimicked our own song of verse.

Tonight was an exceptional evening to be John and Katie.

Thanks for listening

Will I Miss These Moments?

My infant son and I rock in his chair as the U2 Rock-a-Bye Baby Cd plays at my feet. As he slowly closes his eyes and his brain is lulled by each passing rock; i wonder, "Will I miss these moments?"

He is now asleep and my mind wonders to my children. In present time, what will I look back upon and truly miss.

Lucy:


This morning, as we gathered in the van to depart for the day, I asked, "Do you have your water bottle?" She jumped out of the car and back inside the house. Minutes later, she emerged from the garage door, and in her crying jags, i hear, "I can't find it anywhere."

Lucy has a dainty spirit and it does not take much to shatter her world (an irony prevails with how she dresses and presents herself and i will get to that later). Everyday mishaps bring her to full on tears and i have to wonder, "Will i miss these moments?" On what occasion, will I fondly look back at this time. What family gathering will we be at when it is appropriate for me to say, "Oh Lucy, remember how you used to cry at every little misstep in life? Ah, good times."

At night, Lucy reminds me to come in her room for a hug and a kiss - even though we have said our good nights, and i have kissed her and whispered sweet nothings in her ears , she still waits for me to come in. This has been a ritual for many years - the process has changed a bit and the rhythm of the evening has changed - but I am always and forever asked to come into her room. Presently, it is because she has to kiss me all over my face. Forehead, chin, each cheek, nose, ears and finally lips, with a final hug at the end. There are evenings i dread going in because other mundane aspects of life seem to trump her willing desire of loving contact. Other evenings, i revel in our presence with the other. Today, as i look at this and know this ritual will one day pass, I have to say, "Yes, I will miss these moments."

She is quite the individual and has always had a flare for dress. It began with unmatched socks that have now disappeared for almost a year now (and i forget at times to 'miss' those moments). Now, it is boy shorts and a very worn, ugly brown 'happy t-shirt' that is donned on daily. Her friends and peers have ribbons in the hair, braids, cute pony tails and fashionable clothes that a mom might say, 'hey, she really looks cute.' Lucy has on knee hi's, plaid boy shorts and her happy shirt - accompanied with her hair down and often in her face. I can not deny that when her outlook on fashion changes, it will be bittersweet. I treasure her unique style. it gets old at times and there are moments i wish i could go out and purchase a new wardrobe for her - but she is her own person and she declares it perfectly with her dress. Yes, I will miss these moments!"

Perry:

I had to skip Simon for a moment and jump to Perry. I am wondering when will there be a time when i will say, "Oh ya, i forgot that you used to play with Lego's continuously throughout the days." If I look around me, I see a computerized Lego bob-cat sitting in front of me on the dining room table and just behind me, escaping my view for the moment, is a room capped with Legos.

Perry and his dad got up at 5am this morning to build Lego's together (as was promised by dad who had an early conference call to attend to and 5am was decided upon as a decent time to play together). I find myself closing the door from view, and I am not able to navigate my way to the couch without stepping on something plastic. John and I used to build fortresses out of duplo blocks when Perry was a toddler. He is now 12 and building with his Lego's offers him an exceptional pleasure that I can not see being matched by anything other. Today, he has an offer to go to a friends house and swim for the afternoon - and there is a hesitancy about him because he wants to do some programming for his NXT bob-cat he just built (I just got him a programming book for his set). I am not sure what will change in Perry's life and I am not sure when the time will come when i will say, "oh, how i miss those moments of Lego's in my sun room." But i know i will!

I walk a very fine line with Perry as a parent. It has been one of my most challenging tasks in life and I once wrote that God had not intended great things for me with the exception of being a mom to an extraordinary boy. the cursor blinks as my mind flashes to a multitude of 'moments' that have passed and that i truly miss.


* baking odd creations that john and I ate in his presence -- some good, some horrid - but he had a love of baking.

* his early love of geography. packing up his clothes at the age of 4, bringing a suit case into the living room and saying, "mom, when i am in 4th grade, i am going to be leaving and going on a trip to many places around the world. here is a picture of me so that you don't forget what i look like." The picture was a hand drawn picture of him on a piece of scratch paper and i left the 'packed' suit case in our living room for a couple of weeks.

* His love of puzzles at such an early age, he couldn't get enough. I quickly look at his life today and see his multitude of 'first place' chess trophies on his book case, the Lego's he has formed that are mind blowing. Oh, what a mind.

There are many aspects of perry's personality that are ingrained within - some attractive and others quite questionable and as mom, i am thinking...ya, i wouldn't mind 'missing those moments.'

Simon:

Simon, Simon, Simon. I am not sure where to begin. This boy wears his heart on his sleeve and is fragile to the core. This is what i am hoping to look back upon and truly NOT miss. He is delicate in every way and I often tip toe around his brittle self. When I stomp in front of him with my monsterous steps at times; i crumble within the aftermath and this is where i find myself today. Filled with question on 'how could i have handled that situtation better with my son?'

At night, when we hug our good nights, i feel my baby. I feel his innocence and his desire to be cuddled and i feel an almost ardent desire from him to be young again. At times I think this world is too much for him and the pressure of 'where to be' presses too much upon him. He is a boy in constant search of himself and at times he reaches out to me to save him - and this is where i falter.

What are the 'will i miss these moments' scenarios with Simon? I am not completly sure.

Will I miss that he goes to bed with two tiny rags that were once his baby blanket? Yes.
Do I miss that he used to wear a hat every single day of his life (and still does in the winter time). Yes.
Will I miss those moments that he changed his core character to mimic someone else's near to him? No.
Will I miss - "I will just go with the crowd" mentality he often takes part in? No
Will I miss those fleeting moments when he is purely happy to be himself? YES!

(Tangent: Parenting is the hardest job on the planet and I can only pray that I am up for the task...tears).

These moments are not to be taken for granted. each passing second in life builds upon the next and I have to hold on to what I can before it fades away.

Will I miss these moments?

It's Party Time

I am in the midst of planning a party for my friend's 40th trip around our sun. Expected: 40 adults and 22 kids. I am thankful that it is not at my house. I am doing most of the cooking and the planning, however. It has been really fun planning it with the husband....who so wants to try his hardest in getting things done, but doesn't know where to begin. i have loved taking him by the hand and guiding him.....to only make this a success for his wife!

Sidney has thrown up on my arm, but before this posting, i have been making all kinds of pasta dishes. Pesto Cavatappi, Baked Ziti, Fettuccine with a special Alfredo sauce and the list goes on. She is an exceptionally picky eater; but is passionate about Italian!

Lucy's Scavenger Hunt

Lucy celebrated her 8th birthday not too long ago. I quickly made a scavenger hunt for her the evening before and this is what she woke up too.

#1.

Happy Birthday to our Lucy Bean
You are 8 years old today!

Your first clue will take you to a familiar scene.

It’s in a place where you get squeaky clean.

There is just one place for you to go
and make sure you scrub between each toe

#2
So, you are on your way with clue number 2
And looking nice is the theme for you
It seems your clothes end up in this machine
This is where you put them if you want them clean

#3
Well done to our Lula-Bug Girl
You are solving these clues all in a whirl
your next clue won’t be as easy
and you'll find it attached to something cheesy!

#4
So, you are smarter than you think!
And you found the Crazy Bugs box without many blinks
You will need to plug your nose for this next clue
and it is under something that STINKS

#5
This box is mostly filled with things
that rarely bring you glee
Like bills, and junk, and other stuff
perhaps a clue or birthday card, you may see

#6
You play the Wii, you read a book
You are never considered a slouch -
but this next clue is where you sit
go inside and look under the?????

#7
Hmmm, it is hard to throw you off
You are one smart girl; there is no denyin’
Your next clue is in a small house
Where your Pet Pets are in the windows….spyin’

#8
Okay, you have done your job so well
and it is time to celebrate with Hollandaise eggs and juice
Run to the table girl…run – run – run!
your presents have been LET LOOSE!

New Post

I am slowly booting up for the day. I get up early for the sole purpose of having quiet time with just me and my cup of coffee. Three sips in and the screen is still a blur and I am cognizant of my fingers typing away; but only realize what I am saying when I see the letters appear upon the screen before me.

Another sip....where do i start....where do i begin

wiping the sleep from my eyes, i focus on later today when my daughter will be coming home from her first weekend away. She is in great loving hands, as she has gone with friends, but the absence of her little body has had an affect upon this family in her short time away. I look up from the monitor and my mind fades to Lucy. Her warm body nestled in mine each and every morning as she hobbles out of her bed and into my arms. Forever and always, I greet her with a soft voice, tender kiss and accepting embrace.

time for a refill, a stretch of the muscles, and a walk outside to get the morning paper....life is good.

Present status:
Perry - asleep on the couch. Woke up early, but couldn't quite stay awake.
John - woke up at 4:30, did some work and now back in bed, only to be awakened in a moment to get ready to go into work for the day as the Twins are playing.
Simon - asleep on his belly. He did this as a baby (as does Sidney) and this is the position you will find him in most times. I will need to get him up to get ready for the early church service this morning, as he is singing in the choir.
Sidney - asleep in our bed....i stand corrected. I just heard his little cry out and as i did, a weakly muttered "Good morning, Mom" came from the adjacent room from the tall boy on the couch.

So, I tie back my hair with one of Lucy's hair bands (my hair is getting too long) and I stare out the window for one last quiet reflection of my self, this time, this morning and this life. My fingers are still typing, but my mind is a little more awake and it is already buzzing with preparation for the day.

Enjoys yours!
Katie

I breathe it all in. I know this place and I honor it's time, it's past, it's present and it's future. The Avenson Farm; I am swaddled within it's rich history.

It is early morning and I sit on the home porch. A new home as the original is long but gone. The home of old stories and tales is replaced by another that will certainly build moments for new stories and new perspectives.

The cool breeze plays with my toes and blows my hair from face; I take in the aroma of the coffee and immerse myself in sound. A cow in the distance welcomes the morning while a loon counters it's response with it's wailing laugh and mournful cry. Tractors performing morning tasks with drivers already accepting the bustle of the day and a bedlam of birds competing with the next for most vibrant sound.

My infant son sleeps, unaware of the historic place he lays his head.

My senses are alive with dynamic fusion and my eyes take it all in. This farm, that was at one time, just as active as the distant tractors i now hear. The early risings, the big and fattening lunches and late suppers; all prepared by a mother of 9. In her part, supporting the family industry. Presently, this place is satiated with ghostly remnants of the past; forever being memorialized by conversation, pictures, and physical reminders.

My eyes veer off and smile at the large pines my husband once played hide and seek in as a small child.

In a slow, steady gate, Dan and his yellow lab, Connor, walk in quiet rhythm to the old barn.

My gaze is affixed on them, but short lived when my daughter emerges from the house. I turn to look at her, take another sip of coffee and welcome her to sit and take this morning in to build upon new memories and new experiences at the Avenson Farm.

My time is cut short. The morning still lingers and the cool breeze fills my soul like that of good, morning coversation. The quietness of time is being filled by sounds of breakfast being made, cinamon rolls being fought over and my infant son cooing in the bedroom below.

Another morning, another evening, and another time of reflection.

When Stillness Comes

On the radio, the Jonas Brothers are singing some song about the year 3000. My three children are in the back seat trying to keep the beat when the oldest takes his brother’s hat off his head. The bickering sets in motion

“Gimme my hat!”
“Gimme my hat” mimics the older one, in a more acute tone.
“I mean it!”
“I mean it” again, with the mimic.

The daughter decides, now would be a decent time to sound off the reasons why she should not be wearing the shoes I picked out for her to wear; "The laces are too long, they are hard to tie if they come undone, and I used to like the color brown, but now I might like the color brown next year." The drama cry kicks in and the remainder of her debate is unintelligible.

I continue our drive and as I take in a deep breath and tune out the fervent discussions in back;

I find stillness within

Nursing my infant son, who takes in way to much milk and throws up all over me, just in time to listen to his sister scream out as she has fallen in the shower and has taken the curtain rod down with her. In quickness, the infant is placed on the floor and I dash to the bathroom. Infant sounds off as I assess my naked daughter, cold and dripping wet. In the midst of this orchestral and harmonious melody, my middle son interrupts to ask if i can make him a fried egg sandwich.

I find stillness within

My son, Perry, blares a pre-programmed song on the keyboard; while Lucy plays her new assigned piece on the piano in the adjoining room. Simon asks where the microphone is so he can make up a song to the fanatical sound. Before I rein them in; before I scream;

I find stillness within

My children are in full swing with getting their day started. One drops a plate with a waffle upon it, another stubs their toe on the edge of a chair, and wails away - while the last one spanks his brother with the hand of his stuffed animal and receives, in response from his brother, a loud shout of the name, "PERRY!" The butterfly affect moves down the hall and the baby joins in with his chorus of song. The oldest remarks, “Crazy things happen here every day!” And it is only 8:30 in the morning.

I find stillness within

I choose to make stillness part of my life. God provides every resource I need to continue in my walk with Him. When “crazy things happen here every day” kinds of moments take hold, I can look to Him. It takes shorter than a moment of time to find a sense of peace and strength. I know He has my back and when days are less tame than others and I do not find nor desire those peaceful moments; I know He is there; waiting in the stillness for me to return, waiting for our connection with the other, waiting for my peace to be filled.

And oh, how we need restoration often during our busy days - so quiet communion with Him even for a minute here and there restores.

In his own time.....

My oldest son has always been my primary topic. Topic of concern, topic of comedy, topic of angst, topic of humility, topic of learning as a parent, topic of ...well, typically, topic of the first thoughts and words out of my mouth. He has given me a multitude of headaches, heartaches, elated and yet sometimes despondent moments in his 12 years of "US."

I have written throughout these short summer weeks about this child, more than my other three. He is a constant in my writings and observations. At times, he is the bane of my existence and yet, he is irresistibly enchanting at times and my fondness for him is inexplicable, at best.

This morning, i get a call from his piano teacher and for 20 minutes, she tells me how much she has enjoyed Perry as a student as of late. she tells me how congenial he has been and how he blows her away with his intelligence - this makes me laugh. Perry has an untapped intelligence - it is not a clear, "let me blow you away with my knowledge of buoyancy and hydrostatic state of fluid" - but something deeper and unclear that will present itself later in life. I have written about this before. Perry will have an extraordinary life that I can not present myself to even imagine.

Anyway, she called to tell me how charming my son is and it has set my day. I have to cut this short, as my 3 month old is demanding my time. Thanks for listening.

unconditional love

as a new parent, you hear the term, 'unconditional love.' it plays over and over in your head like a scratch on a record. Unconditional Love, Unconditional Love, Unconditional Love. People close to you continue to say, "Oh, you will love that child with unconditional love." It is a song that you have learned to memorize, but in your naivete', you don't quite understand.

When I was younger and my babies were, yes, babies, I loved them with my exploding heart. I protected them like any great momma bear would and I helped them fight their battles like the best lioness in the land. I would speak quietly to them at night and tell them that my love for them was UNCONDITIONAL.

It is only now that i look back and think that i really didn't understand what unconditional love meant. I took that phrase for granted and accepted that, yes, I will always love my children...it was easy. Nothing tested that love. When I needed them, they were right there with a hug, a kiss, a hand hold, etc. When they needed me, my arms were wide open, my ears were keen on listening to their woes and my heart was beating with incredible acceptance of the moment.

This phrase, unconditional love, is wasted on young mothers. It is needed most when your children are in need of detaching from your strong hold. A mother will always and forever desire the hand holding, the hugging, the spontaneous quiet kiss followed by a whispered, "I love you," but a growing child sees these small acts of affection as a bump in the road, only to slow him/her down in the exciting future that lays ahead.

I am, with great heartache and yearning, experiencing the world of unconditional love. I reach out for my child's hand and he pulls away. I run to him after a week of not seeing him, to only be greeted with a shoulder shrug amongst his friends. My ears cling to words and phrases, as he shares but small bits of his 6 days away from home. I want to cradle him, kiss him (and at times, met with great resistance, I do anyway) and I whisper to him, "I LOVE you sooooo much."

As I type this, i think of "The Giving Tree." God as called upon every single mother to not only go through the pain of childbirth - but the pain of her child growing up. He also calls upon you to test that love with great vehemence when you want nothing more but to like you child.

I am now embarking on a shaky trail. I see ditches, weeds, boulders to climb over, divots within, and crumbling paths and oddly enough, as i type this - i picture this: My children ahead of me on that path - walking with great security as if they know the way - the path is clear and crisp - and as i follow behind, tumbling over the logs and the rocks and the tall weeds, I secure the tie on my cape that I have written in permanent marker, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Thanks.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I'm sorry, Boy,"
said the tree, "but i have nothing left to give you -
My apples are gone."

"My branches are gone."

"My trunk is gone."

"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that i could give you something...
but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now," said the boy
"just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could
"well, an old stump IS good for sitting and resting.
Come boy, sit and down, sit down and rest."

And the boy did.