Because of you, i am on a journey.
Because of you, my soul slams upon it's padded cell
Because of you, i dress my wounds and await tranquility
It is not truth....no it is not truth - for in definition, i do not conform; but look to exist within my agreement
Because of you, i am intrigued and i fight to maintain
Because of you, i am hopeful in question and i am seeking, seeking, seeking - like a watchmen seeks the end of night
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for enjoying the silence with me
Thank you for enveloping me within the bashing of your sounds
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
....hang on....
I have heard this phrase more than once today and now the pressure is on!
Rooms still need to be painted, showers still need to be tiled, wood still needs to be stained and yet, i have been able to let go. I found peace within and found the blessings throughout.
"....i hope you can hang on..." says the ultrasound technician when she tells me that the baby is set to go. "He is just really down there isn't he?"
"Are you hanging in there?" asks my doctor as he confirms the abundant action of my son.
There is a light unsettling of my peaceful mind. Within the quiet moments; the "what ifs" creep in without notice. The 'what-ifs' settle and begin to churn.
I make my way to Target to gather the odd assortment ~ socks for me, baskets for baby's laundry, memory storage boxes. I smile now - but within the bustling processes of 'what-if',' i grab what makes sense. What makes sense? I welcome the 'what ifs' and plan out the remainder of the week...school for kids, home depot visits with family, the list of ' I needs' and ' I wants'
I am hanging in there and this is but a snippet of my moment in time.
Rooms still need to be painted, showers still need to be tiled, wood still needs to be stained and yet, i have been able to let go. I found peace within and found the blessings throughout.
"....i hope you can hang on..." says the ultrasound technician when she tells me that the baby is set to go. "He is just really down there isn't he?"
"Are you hanging in there?" asks my doctor as he confirms the abundant action of my son.
There is a light unsettling of my peaceful mind. Within the quiet moments; the "what ifs" creep in without notice. The 'what-ifs' settle and begin to churn.
I make my way to Target to gather the odd assortment ~ socks for me, baskets for baby's laundry, memory storage boxes. I smile now - but within the bustling processes of 'what-if',' i grab what makes sense. What makes sense? I welcome the 'what ifs' and plan out the remainder of the week...school for kids, home depot visits with family, the list of ' I needs' and ' I wants'
I am hanging in there and this is but a snippet of my moment in time.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Just Breathe
Within varied cultures; different rituals, time markings, processes and observations take place during pregnancy. In this tumultuous culture; our 'rituals' or 'traditions' are remarkably signified by a commotion of activity.
Accomplished scientists and researched practitioners have marked this time – defining it’s moment --- Nesting. The word nesting sounds peaceful, melodic, and visually beautiful.
My world is void of this tranquil bubble of space. It has been somehow popped and interrupted. My blood surges in anticipation; not of quiet preparation but of an unrequited momentum.
The roller coaster car reaches the top of its mark and with complete force of gravity, it screams down the rails, converting all potential energy into kinetic energy. I am accelerating from a restful state to a rapid velocity. My reality is satiated with potential and I await the transference with one deep breath after the next.
Closing of eyes, bowing of head, serenity request - deep breath.
Here I go, down the slope, picking up speed and ardent desire. Will I rest at the end with elated exasperation? Desolate frustration? Or a permeated contentment that the end of my journey is complete….or is it? The roller coaster begins again and I am off.
Accomplished scientists and researched practitioners have marked this time – defining it’s moment --- Nesting. The word nesting sounds peaceful, melodic, and visually beautiful.
My world is void of this tranquil bubble of space. It has been somehow popped and interrupted. My blood surges in anticipation; not of quiet preparation but of an unrequited momentum.
The roller coaster car reaches the top of its mark and with complete force of gravity, it screams down the rails, converting all potential energy into kinetic energy. I am accelerating from a restful state to a rapid velocity. My reality is satiated with potential and I await the transference with one deep breath after the next.
Closing of eyes, bowing of head, serenity request - deep breath.
Here I go, down the slope, picking up speed and ardent desire. Will I rest at the end with elated exasperation? Desolate frustration? Or a permeated contentment that the end of my journey is complete….or is it? The roller coaster begins again and I am off.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
10 minutes
10 minutes passing quickly
10 minutes
10 minutes ...advantage
10 minutes
9 minutes...something needs to be said, something needs to be heard, something needs to be understood.
9 minutes.
8 minutes: my oldest son walks through my bedroom door wearing a 4 day old shirt. In his 8 minutes, he is printing out a map of Gettysburg
8 minutes
7 minutes...my middle son sits on the couch reading his newest acquisition. He will spend these 7 minutes lost in his own world of words, and chosen expressions
7 minutes
6 minutes...my youngest is beside me in mismatched blue pajamas. Yesterday I celebrated her in my quiet way as I saw two mismatched socks on her feet; "She's back!" I happily observed.
6 minutes
5 minutes...it is crucial I profit from this time. Tick, Tick, Tick...gone
5 minutes
4 minutes...a slight anxiousness settles within me. Breakfast, noise, escalating volume of conversation coupled with exploding problems and situations
4 minutes
3 minutes.....my feet shift under the blankets and i begin to think of what to wear. How will i BEGIN my day with my children? How will I approach the shattering of quiet?
3 minutes
2 minutes....a needed observation of time. Quiet. Heated air from the ducts, piano keys mathematical and rhythmic, noses sniffling, and the soundless beauty of falling snow
2 minutes
1 minute....this is all i have. 60 seconds before take off. time -- filling day with ringing telephones, papers shifting, doors opening, feet running, music playing. I will recall these 10 minutes and take into account these past moments of time.
1 minute
1 minute
1 minute
Gone.
10 minutes
10 minutes ...advantage
10 minutes
9 minutes...something needs to be said, something needs to be heard, something needs to be understood.
9 minutes.
8 minutes: my oldest son walks through my bedroom door wearing a 4 day old shirt. In his 8 minutes, he is printing out a map of Gettysburg
8 minutes
7 minutes...my middle son sits on the couch reading his newest acquisition. He will spend these 7 minutes lost in his own world of words, and chosen expressions
7 minutes
6 minutes...my youngest is beside me in mismatched blue pajamas. Yesterday I celebrated her in my quiet way as I saw two mismatched socks on her feet; "She's back!" I happily observed.
6 minutes
5 minutes...it is crucial I profit from this time. Tick, Tick, Tick...gone
5 minutes
4 minutes...a slight anxiousness settles within me. Breakfast, noise, escalating volume of conversation coupled with exploding problems and situations
4 minutes
3 minutes.....my feet shift under the blankets and i begin to think of what to wear. How will i BEGIN my day with my children? How will I approach the shattering of quiet?
3 minutes
2 minutes....a needed observation of time. Quiet. Heated air from the ducts, piano keys mathematical and rhythmic, noses sniffling, and the soundless beauty of falling snow
2 minutes
1 minute....this is all i have. 60 seconds before take off. time -- filling day with ringing telephones, papers shifting, doors opening, feet running, music playing. I will recall these 10 minutes and take into account these past moments of time.
1 minute
1 minute
1 minute
Gone.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
All in the Name of.....
This weekend, it was all about you; technically and round about.... it was all about you.
"I wanna make, something beautiful, for you...to show you, I adore you"
Bodies scuried, muscles flexed, minds dialoged, and souls organized.
Each of us on a blinded journey - 41 years of preparation in destination.
This weekend, I sought you out and made you known through frenetic activity. I felt your presence and it cleansed my core.
I made something beautiful for you, for you, from you - to show you, to show you, I adore you.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Time to let go
So, as i stole a few moments in the shower - and as you will come to find out, it was only but a few moments, i quickly reminisced on items that used to annoy me and now, as i take in one deep breath after the next; for it is arduous to breathe these days, i let go piece by piece that of which used to try my patience and temper.
1. 3 minute showers: this has been going on for quite some time. Something is funky with our water heater and our time is stretched day to day. John has not had a chance to look at it and so within the last 2 or so months, we have grown accustomed to 3 minutes of warm water and then ....well, for me, it is time to turn on the blow dryer and warm my body (outisde the shower, mind you).
2. My husband who has not been home before 11pm for close to 2 weeks now. If i tell myself that I am once again a baseball widow and I won't be seeing him until sometime in September; then i can find resolution in all this and it won't cause resentment in our marriage (smile). On a good day, if he does happen to show his face around here, then all the better. Although, he has been told that I am confiscating his cell phone on the day of his child's birth. I understand hsi committment and his truth is his family and support, thereof, but i have since thought of the Twins Organization as the Mafia of Minnesota. Once you sign on the dotted line, you are IN. Currently, he is dealing with the titanic mess a company has brought upon the organization and his time is now their time. THEY are the ones that I am truy disturb me.
3. Tight fitting clothing - i vowed not to buy that many maternity clothes - simply knowing that i would never wear them again, and it would not only be a waste of my money, but a frivolous indulgence. I have two pairs of pants that fit me, the other's are continually being pulled up because they don't fit correctly. I have three maternity tops and the rest comes from my own wardrobe. I used to get frustrated that nothing seemed to fit - and now I really don't care. Last night i was a target and saw a friend who always looks as if a beauty squad is following her. I was wearing one of my worn out pair of maternity pants, a top that crept up my belly and one of john's sweaters to cover everything up. my hair was barely brushed and i had no make up -- well, a little color because my husband informed me that my face looked 'wintery.' as i stared at this well-made up woman, i felt dull and lifeless; but at the same time, i really didn't care. i walked the ailes with pride.
4. Lack of Sleep: This i have simply resigned. I have found a comfortable couch and a very nice down comforter. This is how i spend my evenings - on a couch. but i am getting more sleep than before, so i am thankful.
5. this baby. BUT, i am over that now. Although, he is the root of me having to breathe now with my mouth open to get optimal oxygen, my growing number of varicose veins, my frequent trips to the bathroom, my exhaustion by day's end, and my handicapped type waddle. but the oddity of my angst against him is all by dissapaited.
so, that is my short list.
1. 3 minute showers: this has been going on for quite some time. Something is funky with our water heater and our time is stretched day to day. John has not had a chance to look at it and so within the last 2 or so months, we have grown accustomed to 3 minutes of warm water and then ....well, for me, it is time to turn on the blow dryer and warm my body (outisde the shower, mind you).
2. My husband who has not been home before 11pm for close to 2 weeks now. If i tell myself that I am once again a baseball widow and I won't be seeing him until sometime in September; then i can find resolution in all this and it won't cause resentment in our marriage (smile). On a good day, if he does happen to show his face around here, then all the better. Although, he has been told that I am confiscating his cell phone on the day of his child's birth. I understand hsi committment and his truth is his family and support, thereof, but i have since thought of the Twins Organization as the Mafia of Minnesota. Once you sign on the dotted line, you are IN. Currently, he is dealing with the titanic mess a company has brought upon the organization and his time is now their time. THEY are the ones that I am truy disturb me.
3. Tight fitting clothing - i vowed not to buy that many maternity clothes - simply knowing that i would never wear them again, and it would not only be a waste of my money, but a frivolous indulgence. I have two pairs of pants that fit me, the other's are continually being pulled up because they don't fit correctly. I have three maternity tops and the rest comes from my own wardrobe. I used to get frustrated that nothing seemed to fit - and now I really don't care. Last night i was a target and saw a friend who always looks as if a beauty squad is following her. I was wearing one of my worn out pair of maternity pants, a top that crept up my belly and one of john's sweaters to cover everything up. my hair was barely brushed and i had no make up -- well, a little color because my husband informed me that my face looked 'wintery.' as i stared at this well-made up woman, i felt dull and lifeless; but at the same time, i really didn't care. i walked the ailes with pride.
4. Lack of Sleep: This i have simply resigned. I have found a comfortable couch and a very nice down comforter. This is how i spend my evenings - on a couch. but i am getting more sleep than before, so i am thankful.
5. this baby. BUT, i am over that now. Although, he is the root of me having to breathe now with my mouth open to get optimal oxygen, my growing number of varicose veins, my frequent trips to the bathroom, my exhaustion by day's end, and my handicapped type waddle. but the oddity of my angst against him is all by dissapaited.
so, that is my short list.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Stealing Time
The rattle and hum of my children spark a nervous awakening within me. The quiet moment i try to steal is interrupted with jolts of their clattering tones behind the closed door of my room.
30 minutes in time - time, time, time.
What i need from this 30 minutes of time.
The afternoon survival latte sits on the stand beside the bed. the unfolded laundry crowds at my feet and the cupboard doors in the kitchen open and close, open and close.
30 minutes in time.
This time is not in my control. My belly churns as i battle this solitude.
My children agree that mommy needs this time to herself today. my little one comes in and asks me how much longer will i be. I tell her 10 more minutes and i hear her set the timer on the microwave. This moment will now begin with a countdown and the ending beep will dictate a close in passage.
My focus is compromised, my time is almost up and something constructive must come to light.
Tonight, when the dance of the day has come to it's rest and the cat's paws can be heard as it walks, I will be too tired to take in the time. My eyes will be weary, my mood will be solemn and my thoughts will travel to a monotonous land.
For now, this is what I have. This is what I must do. I must breath in this moment, for it will soon begin to fade. That door will open, I will walk across it's threshold and enter once again into the innocent and egocentric lives of my children; who count on me to be present in their moment of time.
And the microwave sounds it's Beeeeeeeeeeeep.
Thanks for listening
30 minutes in time - time, time, time.
What i need from this 30 minutes of time.
The afternoon survival latte sits on the stand beside the bed. the unfolded laundry crowds at my feet and the cupboard doors in the kitchen open and close, open and close.
30 minutes in time.
This time is not in my control. My belly churns as i battle this solitude.
My children agree that mommy needs this time to herself today. my little one comes in and asks me how much longer will i be. I tell her 10 more minutes and i hear her set the timer on the microwave. This moment will now begin with a countdown and the ending beep will dictate a close in passage.
My focus is compromised, my time is almost up and something constructive must come to light.
Tonight, when the dance of the day has come to it's rest and the cat's paws can be heard as it walks, I will be too tired to take in the time. My eyes will be weary, my mood will be solemn and my thoughts will travel to a monotonous land.
For now, this is what I have. This is what I must do. I must breath in this moment, for it will soon begin to fade. That door will open, I will walk across it's threshold and enter once again into the innocent and egocentric lives of my children; who count on me to be present in their moment of time.
And the microwave sounds it's Beeeeeeeeeeeep.
Thanks for listening
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
DAYBOOK TIME
Well, at -3 degrees, we all sit together in this room and watch lucy pick out today's music. Simon is disappointed that he will have to get his head out of a book. Perry will write his one sentence and feel proud and lucy will make sure that her one to two sentences are well written, and the penmanship is perfect and decorative.
Last night the boys moved down to their new rooms.
today i am grouchy. today i am grouchy. today i am grouchy.
i am not sure how this is all going to play out as the hour hand continues to rotate around the clock; but today i am grouchy :)
people in this place that make statements of wasted energy, or negativity is not worth it and turn it around. i do not posses that talent. I do not turn things around easily. today i am grouchy and the Disney Pop CD that is playing right now doesn't help my disposition. No, it is certain that this CD is not helping.
there is a part of me that says i should be allowed to concentrate on nothing more than this baby that will be here in less than 40 days; but instead, i barely mention the thought of him, or use his image as a subject of my complaint and sighs.
My sister offered for me to come to her place after the baby was born so that i had some quiet bonding time instead of bringing this 4th child into the mix of life that certainly will not slow down simply because of his presence. it sounds alluring.
this is not fitting; but as a quick glimpse of what it used to be....showers that concentrated on the arrival of a newborn, shopping with friends to pick out layettes and bedding, going out to dinners or lunches with friends before the 'big day' to commemorate event. this was when i was younger and that was the stage of we were all in. this is a different stage -- all lives are established and rolling at a steady clip. I am the slow car that merges into the fast paced carpool lane; making everyone take an exasperated notice.
TODAY I AM GROUCHY.
Last night the boys moved down to their new rooms.
today i am grouchy. today i am grouchy. today i am grouchy.
i am not sure how this is all going to play out as the hour hand continues to rotate around the clock; but today i am grouchy :)
people in this place that make statements of wasted energy, or negativity is not worth it and turn it around. i do not posses that talent. I do not turn things around easily. today i am grouchy and the Disney Pop CD that is playing right now doesn't help my disposition. No, it is certain that this CD is not helping.
there is a part of me that says i should be allowed to concentrate on nothing more than this baby that will be here in less than 40 days; but instead, i barely mention the thought of him, or use his image as a subject of my complaint and sighs.
My sister offered for me to come to her place after the baby was born so that i had some quiet bonding time instead of bringing this 4th child into the mix of life that certainly will not slow down simply because of his presence. it sounds alluring.
this is not fitting; but as a quick glimpse of what it used to be....showers that concentrated on the arrival of a newborn, shopping with friends to pick out layettes and bedding, going out to dinners or lunches with friends before the 'big day' to commemorate event. this was when i was younger and that was the stage of we were all in. this is a different stage -- all lives are established and rolling at a steady clip. I am the slow car that merges into the fast paced carpool lane; making everyone take an exasperated notice.
TODAY I AM GROUCHY.
Friday, January 30, 2009
REESES and a SMILE
9:08pm ~~ 17 degrees (but feels like 8)
The garage door opens and the car pulls out. This man will drive down to the store to get his wife a treasured Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
1991- this man comes home from Dessert Storm --into the early morning hours, we get in the car and take a drive. Among many other details, this drive includes a stop at a local gas station for a Reese'sPeanut Butter Cup
1993 - 8pm - after the I do's have been said and the pictures have been taken, I take step into the limousine and on my seat is a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
Through the years, many heart felt exchanges and stressed discussions within our relationship - this man makes the argument that he might not be the perfect husband, but he *does* bring me home Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (smile).
Many times on his way home from work, I send him to the store to pick up extraneous materials -upon arrival home, sitting at the top of the bag is my Reese's.
This evening, after spending time with his family and the house quieted down from the clatter of his children, he places his hand upon my belly, nods knowingly and says, "I know what you want, I will be right back."
There are far too many facets to this man to list and I am not only clinging onto one that selfishly deals with my sweet tooth; it simply made me smile this evening to watch him get off the couch, grab the keys and say, "I will be right back."
The garage door opens and the car pulls out. This man will drive down to the store to get his wife a treasured Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
1991- this man comes home from Dessert Storm --into the early morning hours, we get in the car and take a drive. Among many other details, this drive includes a stop at a local gas station for a Reese'sPeanut Butter Cup
1993 - 8pm - after the I do's have been said and the pictures have been taken, I take step into the limousine and on my seat is a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
Through the years, many heart felt exchanges and stressed discussions within our relationship - this man makes the argument that he might not be the perfect husband, but he *does* bring me home Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (smile).
Many times on his way home from work, I send him to the store to pick up extraneous materials -upon arrival home, sitting at the top of the bag is my Reese's.
This evening, after spending time with his family and the house quieted down from the clatter of his children, he places his hand upon my belly, nods knowingly and says, "I know what you want, I will be right back."
There are far too many facets to this man to list and I am not only clinging onto one that selfishly deals with my sweet tooth; it simply made me smile this evening to watch him get off the couch, grab the keys and say, "I will be right back."
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