Holding on Tightly

I have come to this conclusion - I am clinging to something that is slipping through my fingers.  I have not figured this out until now - on the 14 year of my child's birth.  I am not controlling, I am holding. It is no doubt that I have struggled hard with this child; but during these past summer weeks, I have discovered that it takes much energy to even be pleasant with him.  Conversation comes out as orders or directions or advisement rather than something surrounded by love and respect.  Our confused paths of interpretation often lead to embattled conclusion.

This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement.  The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left.  I laugh thinking that conversations  are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this.  Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving.  Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door.  So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!

The Road Less Traveled

This is an overly used title and for that matter, so it the phrase...I am having difficulty lately with titles, i suppose.  I am also having incredible difficulty of  navigating the road I am on.  I am not sure whom to listen to, whom to advise, whom to walk away from, and whom to cut ties with.  I have chosen this road, this is clear.  I saw it and without even looking at the map ahead, I stepped on blindly and began my journey.  I have written about this quite a few times, whether it be on my blog, in my journals or on napkins at coffee shops - laugh. 

I have taken the Road Less Traveled and on this path, i have met with many faulty characters - characters in costume that believe they are able to walk the same walk.  On the same road, there have been exemplary experiences, honored individuals, and confounding views.  I have been educated along the way and have harnessed a knowledge that was not within sight before.

Today, I question the reason for these other 'players' I cross paths during this walk.  Why are they there?  Why do they show such hypocrisy when this road does not allow for such character?  I know this does not all belong to me and I am never to say I am not at fault; but the blatancy of such acts has me questions their presence.

I simply need to get this in writing - that is all. To cast it to the wind and to be no more.  But I have to be honest when I say I want to scream and shout, "Get off the road!"

I am not sure how this comes across.  I am troubled.  That is all.  Troubled that there are people out there who jump out in this path i am taking and challenge me with great insincerity, blindness and hypocrisy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiDukXIeVY

It Started.....

It started with a dance, an examination, an impression of bewilderment and it has risen from those beginnings into something adoring, cemented, breath taking, uncharted and completely guided by a Third Party. 

It started with a phone call, an email, a thought, a mention of a name and it is now charged in connection that has been sparked by a mere moment. 

It started in the dark and in the quiet of the evening when tears fell hard and never ceased to stop. It has now transformed the two of us and the light is prevalent, guiding our days with flashes of blessings and gratefulness.

It started with wonderment, mystery, and ambiguity and has transformed me.

It started with a song, a dance, a memory, a phone call, a desire to be, to hold, to cry, to follow....

It is......

It is something I am called to be
It is something powerful and effortless
It is something that has become everything to me
It is something that makes me sing, dance, proclaim, praise, search, shout, weep, and bow in grace.

I stop and i find stillness in this - in this ....which started from a dance.

Change in Tide

It's a lame title, i know --- but i am finding that the phrase, "Older and Wiser" holds much merit.  I am getting older - i feel it in every capacity and my dialogue reflects that of which i used to make fun.  Please indulge in this somewhat LONG train of thought in this post this evening.
Older and Wiser

1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating.  I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.'  ...... John and I rarely fight any more.  I am no longer needing to be 'understood.'  I am just not that 'complex' anymore.  I have 'Wised Up.'

2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs.  "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!"  "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away."  "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?  Old people, that's who.  I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.

3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now.  I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks. 

4. Friendships:  I have always kept few but close friends.  I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content.  I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end.  I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.'  This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.

5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days.  I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche. 

6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?"  There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled.  I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.

7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident.  I think what is more evident is my adaptation.  I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before.  This is something that is remarkable to me.  I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children.  They are not there yet.  Knowledge to them is not treasured.  It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.

8. Money:  Money's importance is on the future.  The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.

9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening.  Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.

Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.

Abraham Lincoln

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne

Thanks for listening.



 

We Did It

This was an email i sent out to a very small core of volunteers who worked tirelessly on a house for the past 6 days.  It was an undertaking.  I have survived on 4-5 hours of sleep a night with long physical days, but, tonight, I ate dinner with my children, I played hide and go seek and now, I am going to take a well deserved shower.

5:23pm and I sit on my couch, knowing that I will get a restful sleep tonight, have dinner with my family, and get up in the morning, go to church and praise God for the astonishing and phenomenal journey He laid out before us this past week. Some of us survived on Ibuprofen, others went to a chiropractor, others took the day off, one is sick in bed, some cracked open a beer or poured out a glass of wine to get through the hours that each of us significantly gave to pave the way within this new journey of Joy and her children.



WE DID IT!

We painted, we scrubbed, we tore up, we breathed in questionable contents, and we prayed.  We moved, we hauled, we lifted, we got down on our hands and knees, we stretched, we reached and we prayed. We organized, we designed, we shopped, we cried, we laughed, a few of us danced, we made executive decisions and we prayed. Our focus was never lost or compromised and this clearly kept the beat to our momentum.


WE DID IT!!


I toast all of you! I thank you for…. I thank you for allowing me to come into your life, a stranger at first, and let me facilitate our talents as a core group.


WE DID IT!


We can be proud tonight. We can be grateful for God’s ultimate love for his daughter, Joy. We can cry as we think of them walking through that doorway (NEW doorway, might I add…thank you Matt from Home Depot) and know that they must continue…continue within the newness of the other. Continue in building and relying on the one who stands by them and continue in their unshaken and fervent strength in God. But, we can rejoice as we know that we have lifted them up and have placed each and every one of them deep in our heart and they know that. We can be happy because……


WE DID IT.
My love goes out to you!
Thank you,
Katie

Letter to Neighbors

The week is almost over. Tomorrow, Friday is our last full day. Is it presently 12:59am and I came home from Joy's less than an hour ago.  Tomorrow, I have secured a babysitter for both Sidney and Lucy in the morning, as there will be many trucks coming in and out with scheduled deliveries.  It will be exciting.  Before I enter the home in the morning, I will be delivering these letters door to door in the neighborhood. 

Dear Neighbors,


My name is Katie Avenson and I wanted to send you this note today to give you a brief update on the frenetic activity that has taken place on your home road.


Joy and her children have been spending a week in Wisconsin Dells, as we were able to secure a donated Time Share for them.  It has been the movement of one small group of people to get her home in order: clean, organize, and put things in a place in such a way that upon her return home, she is able to continue on this new journey with her children within an uplifted environment.


Update on house:
1. Wood floors have been brought back to life in living room and main floor bedrooms. Jared Rempel - Divine Hardwood Floors


2. Painting of rooms


3. Light landscaping


4. Cleaning

5. Organizing

Our intention during this week is to give Joy and her children a place to begin anew, and we  have kept communication to a minimum so as to not overwhelm the family with the happenings inside their home.


I respectfully ask two things of you as her close neighbors:


1. We are choosing not to inform Joy of all the activity in her home or any of the outside activity. She knows we are here and has an outline of what we are doing, but she has chosen not to think about the process and undertaking of it all. She is aware that we were in need of a dumpster, but we would like to not remind her. It has been a trusting decision of hers to accept this offer of her closest friends.


2. If any of you are close enough to Joy to offer your time when she is in need, I know she would appreciate it. I am thinking about times when there might be minor plumbing issues, or a small household repair or if she is in need of something lifted or moved; things that David might have been capable of doing as her husband. If so, please feel comfortable in letting her know.


I wanted to say thank you for allowing us to take up residence on your street. I know it was an inconvenience at times and perhaps a little noisy. Joy comes home Saturday, sometime in the late afternoon. Thank you and it was a pleasure being a part of Azure Road for this past week.


Respectfully,


Katie Avenson


Kavenson@comcast.net is my email if you have any questions. I am the one in the black VW minivan.

I Left My Hard Hat at Home

I am not a General Contractor.  I never went to school to become one, nor did I ever apprentice to be one. But, I am finding that I am presently wearing the hat of one.  I am, for all intense and purposes, a general contractor.

Today:
Get the kids out of bed. Get the groggy eyed teen out the door with smoothie in hand, walk the middle one to the bus stop and then the phone calls begin.  First, I speak with Joy.  She is trying to hold it together while she brings her dog to the kennel for the week.  Her 4 children are packed and they are off to a donated week away at Wisconsin Dells Water Park.  Significant, as this marks the absolute beginning of time alone as a family of 5.  This is the embarking of a new perspective.  It also signifies the end to their current living situation - she has been sleeping on an air mattress since the day of her husband's death, in her living room.

Next, her mother calls me to ask me how her daughter is doing.  Joy is in a very dark place right now, and presently, she is speaking to no one. 

The phone rings again and it is Slumberland Furniture, telling me that the shipment of new furniture is in the store (couch, 2 beds, a mattress and the chair will be arriving later)

Twelve o'clock, I put the baby down, and receive a text that Joy is now out of her home.  I call a friend, tell her the news.  I email another, and i text a third.  Joy is out of the house.

I get to the house, open it up and take a look around.  Our work is cut out for us.  Tomorrow, I have a man coming in to donate his time and services to redo all the wood flooring in 4 rooms - but first, the carpet must be taken up.  Before the carpet can be taken up, the furniture, the laundry, the books, the toys, etc, must all be moved.  Before anyone arrives, I get to work.  One room is already cleared out  as it *was* the boys room.  They are now moved upstairs in where Joy's room used to be. She is taking over their room as her own- so i begin on the daughter's room, who has basically prepped it.  Things to do or move:  a dresser, a bed to take a part, mattresses to move, three book cases, and some left over stuffed animals.  I begin to pull up the hallway carpet and the pad and dump it in the Bagster I brought over.  I move the living room end tables, the lamps, the chair, the child's desk and the 'crew' begins to arrive.  3 ladies from Joy's church.  We get the TV out, the console, the book cases and the couches.  While one is pulling up the nails, staples and tack strip, two of us pull up the carpet in the living room along with the padding.  In between that time, I am on the phone with others who are on their way over and Joy calls in to see how things are going. In the mean time, a friend and her husband show up.  I have him installing shelving in the front closet for the family as well as looking at much of the electrical.  I welcome them and set them to work.

Later in the afternoon, after I have already gone home to change a poopy diaper, "Mom, he just smells so horrible!" Give instructions to the teenager, who is now home and willing to babysit.  I continue my phone calls with Slumberland and schedule a delivery date.  The hard wood floor guy to discuss our prepping for tomorrow.  An additional conversation on the logistics of tomorrow morning and what we still need to do.  It is a long day.  I am dirty and dusty and I have to go pick up my son from track and field.  We rush home and I am quickly invited by my husband to come downtown and enjoy the baseball game.  His department with two others are in a suite for the evening.  I decide to go, but only after I set the baby down for the evening.  My presence away today was evident in his small world and he was in need of Mommy time.

I am feeling overwhelmingly honored to be a part of this simple project.  Tomorrow, the floors will be started.  Curtains will be purchased.  Walls will be painted.  Cupboards will be organized.  My time will be quick as I have promised Lucy a lunch out.  My son has a  track and field event in the early afternoon and my daughter has a soccer practice in the early evening.  My son has a project that he will somehow be putting together with a friend in our home and my baby will come along for the ride. 

But....this is all good!
Thanks for listening.

On Writing

I write. To release stress, I write. I leave the house, hide in a corner, or, case in point, I spend an evening downtown, bring my lap top and write. I forever visualize my scene in pictures and words; and often, I look down as if by aerial view. My experiences are often interpreted in writing and I am rarely without a journal. So, yesterday, I had the opportunity to take 24 hours of respite at Hotel Minneapolis. Walking in my downtown, I took in Mpls culture; the people, the shapes, sizes, the attitudes, and the dialogue; knowing all would find some placement in print.


Dinner:

Sitting outside at an Irish Pub, ordering my Amstel light and keeping my vision on the street people. Table to my side has twenty something girls who are asking the waiter how much each bottle of beer or glass of wine costs. When waiter leaves, one talks about her dad’s influence, another discusses college loans and another talks about her current internship. They are so fresh out of the water. I sip my beer and revel in the innocence.

Mom and daughter taking a moment to eat and talk. The 12 or so year old daughter is just adorable and even her, “Noooo, Mom, you wouldn’t” sounds cute. She is dressed up for her evening out with Mom. I am guessing a theater show is on the agenda after dinner.

I think of the young adults, embarking upon their evening out and reflect on my early years in Minnesota; newly married, rented house, barely an income to survive. We played a lot of cards, took naps, watched movies and rode our bikes around the lakes. Little did we know that we would eventually look back on the time with envy.

Last night, I stole a moment away from my present reality. A time to check in with myself to see what developed.

This morning, I sat in the Restaurant Max and had my morning buffet of sorted food. An older gentleman was behind me in line and we exchanged moderate pleasantries before returning to our seats. We sat across the room from the other and on my way out, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, “Have a good day, Sir.” He replied, “Well, thank you for stopping and talking to me…say, can you sit for a second and join me for a cup of coffee?” Well, how could I refuse? For 20 minutes, the privilege was all mine. He is a writer, he is a widower of seven months and he was in town for his wife’s memorial service. They lived in San Antonio. I was lifted and wished I had sat with him sooner. But, he is now in my mind and heart and again, I write. I write about Dennis, the girls sitting next to me, my time, my reality, my existence.

I write......

Frayed

My role as a mother and my relationship with my teenager is becoming frayed.  I wish i can be complaining about the mundane, trivial teenage-dom angst
1. He doesn't listen to me
2. He is argumentative about his homework
3. Oh, where does he get his taste in music
4. He just likes his friends more than his family
But - I am looking into the future and if my son does not take notice of his exceedingly increasing choice in character - then I am afraid our relationship will snap in two.

i HATE selfish people.  I LOATE selfish people.  i DON'T UNDERSTAND self importance.  My son is turning into a person that I so adamantly dislike.  I cannot take this. 

I do not wish to look at some 'self help' book or how to change my child from Monday to Tuesday. Or read about "How to talk to your teenager so he will listen."  I am not asking for a Church going, raise your hands in the air, volunteer at the soup kitchen every Thursday kind of child. I want a child who gets that being selfish will do nothing but isolate you in so many ways.

This morning, I yelled at him, "Don't you get that I love you unconditionally!"  "Don't you get that your parents are proud of you?  Why do you keep slapping us in the face?"

My son needs to change.  It hurts to see him grow up and make the choices he is making to only serve him.  This is nothing new, unfortunately, he has had this in him since birth and we have always worked our way through it.  But, we are now working through a very small countdown of a few years left with him and he is gone.

There are so many things to be proud of him and I will not list them, as i have listed them before.  But, as a mom, i am presently worried for him.  It eats away at me.  This morning, as i listed all the traits I presently see in him : greedy, selfish, rude...to name a few, I followed it by saying, "this is the child i kiss every night and say I love you....but i can't like someone like this."  and then i began to cry.  who says that??? what mother says, "i don't think i can like you."  i gave birth to you, i raised you, i poured my soul into you and now, i dont' like you?  i don't get it.  help me understand it.

I know too many selfish people and  even though i associate with them on a daily basis, i learn nothing from them.  I take nothing from them.  i DO NOT want this to be my son. i want so much to learn from him, to take from him, to embrace him for who he has become.

Thanks for listening