I am slowly crawling back and making my way with peace. With my hand upon my belly, my son signals his awakening. This nightly ritual brings me back.
Today was the day. Of all mundane and simple of days, today was the day - November 13, 2008. My son lets me know this is really happening and somehow, unconditionally, forgives me (i hope) for all my selfish maneuvers and thoughts.
I am crawling back today from 5 months of denial, selfish thoughts and behaviors. 5 months of asking; am i ready to welcome another baby? can i handle a 4th? why is this happening? why me? concentrating on all else except a child that will be born 15 weeks from today.
Today, i over did myself. I exerted far too much and as i sit on this couch, i am physically paying the price. I am sore, i am tight and i am too cognizant of what brought me to this place.
This has to be said: i am finding love for my son. A powerful love that needs to be addressed because of absence.
Today, tonight rather, i am humbly crawling back and look ahead to a journey renewed.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
It's a New Day
Will I Am
It's A New Day Lyrics Songwriters: N/A
I went asleep last night
Tired from the fight
I've been fighting for tomorrow
All my life
Yea I woke up this morning
Feeling brand new
'Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming
Have finally came true
It's a new day --It's a new day --It's a new day -- It's a new day -- It's a new day
It's been a long time coming
Up the mountain kept runnin'
Souls of freedom kept hummin'
Channeling Harriet Tubman
Kennedy, Lincoln, and King
We gotta invest in that dream
It feels like we're swimming upstream
It feels like we're stuck inbetween
A rock and a hard place,
We've been through the heartaches
And lived through the darkest days
If you and I made it this far,
Well then hey, we can make it all the way
And they said no we can't And we said yes we can
Remember it's you and me together
I woke up this morning
Feeling alright
I've been fightin' for tomorrow
All my life
Yea, I woke up this morning
Feeling brand new
Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming
Have finally came true
It's a new day (it's a new day)-- It's a new day (it's a new day) -- It's a new day --It's a new day!
It's been a long time waitin'
Waiting for this moment
Been a long time praying
Praying for this moment
We hope for this moment
And now that we own it
For life I will hold it
And I ain't gonna let it go
It's for fathers, our brothers,
Our friends who fought for freedom
Our sisters, our mothers,
Who died for us to be in this moment
Stop and cherish this moment
Stop and cherish this time
It's time for you and me
For us and we
That's you and me together
I woke up this morning
Feeling brand new
Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming
Have finally came true
Yea, I woke up this morning
Feeling alright
'Cause we weren't fighting for nothing
And the soldiers weren't fighting For nothing
No, Martin was dreaming for nothing
And Lincoln didn't change it for nothing
And children weren't crying for nothing
It's a new day It's a new day A new day It's a new day It's a new day!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
History Shared
Today is a historical day.
I can say with confidence that every day is historical within reason and each piece of the passing minutes contribute to memories and building of ones character. Today, however, my children will be telling stories for generations. "I was there, with my parents, as they voted on the historical day." We will be watching the campaign on TV this evening and memories will slowly form in the folds of gray matter. Each child will cling onto relevant and significant moments.
How will this day unfold? I am not sure...we have hours to wait. How will the election results affect the minds and psyche of the American culture? I am not sure.....we have hours to wait. Will division of minds overpower the possibility of bonded union...we have hours to wait.
Whatever happens, whatever events transpire, whatever erupted cacophony prevails; November 4 is historic, and I can share that my day is far more significant now that I got to experience it with my children.
I can say with confidence that every day is historical within reason and each piece of the passing minutes contribute to memories and building of ones character. Today, however, my children will be telling stories for generations. "I was there, with my parents, as they voted on the historical day." We will be watching the campaign on TV this evening and memories will slowly form in the folds of gray matter. Each child will cling onto relevant and significant moments.
How will this day unfold? I am not sure...we have hours to wait. How will the election results affect the minds and psyche of the American culture? I am not sure.....we have hours to wait. Will division of minds overpower the possibility of bonded union...we have hours to wait.
Whatever happens, whatever events transpire, whatever erupted cacophony prevails; November 4 is historic, and I can share that my day is far more significant now that I got to experience it with my children.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Blown in Wind's Direction
There are times when the wind blows me off course and continues in doing so with deliberate and calculated force. As I am swept up; there are options before me ~ twist, turn, and fight my way back or surrender and capitulate to the sense of uncertainty.
Today, the leaf takes hold for one last time of the mothering tree. The wind rushes in, envelopes the leaf; seizing control and bringing forth a new destiny. The leaf surrenders and angelically dances through it's ballet.
I cup my hands over my mouth, take in a deep breath and watch this take place outside my window....I watch as I take off into the wind.
Today, the leaf takes hold for one last time of the mothering tree. The wind rushes in, envelopes the leaf; seizing control and bringing forth a new destiny. The leaf surrenders and angelically dances through it's ballet.
I cup my hands over my mouth, take in a deep breath and watch this take place outside my window....I watch as I take off into the wind.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
From Before...
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."
The cat is nibbling the last morsels of his dinner while the refrigerator prolongs it's monotonous drone. The house breathes in a couple of creaks and cracks now and again, but presently, there is a repose.
What will you do within this time of quiet? How do you continue to find energy within the stillness? When the day is strong, it's energy carries you, pushes you, enfolds upon you; you barely have a moment to stop and ask for direction. Now, the tranquil begins to slowly saturate your existence; it penetrates your world, and much like the noise and clatter of the earlier day, it too, enfolds upon you. What will you do within this time of quiet?
The cat is nibbling the last morsels of his dinner while the refrigerator prolongs it's monotonous drone. The house breathes in a couple of creaks and cracks now and again, but presently, there is a repose.
What will you do within this time of quiet? How do you continue to find energy within the stillness? When the day is strong, it's energy carries you, pushes you, enfolds upon you; you barely have a moment to stop and ask for direction. Now, the tranquil begins to slowly saturate your existence; it penetrates your world, and much like the noise and clatter of the earlier day, it too, enfolds upon you. What will you do within this time of quiet?
fall is upon us...and other things
October 21, 2008
(Picture on left: baby avenson 18 weeks)
Today is the official beginning of Daybook and I am trying to encourage Perry to write. Simon has picked the Motorcycle Diaries for us to listen to during this time. I am sitting up against the fireplace warming my back. School seems to be going well and we were just invited out to play at a park on this beautiful day! We will go with the Ytterbergs and hopefully others. I am so glad Simon has decent taste in music.
John is currently in Florida --- actually, scratch that; he is in New York right now and will come home late Thursday evening - only to turn around in a week or two and do it again. Meanwhile, i am at home with the three, i am 19 weeks pregant and my sunroom is splattered with legos. Perry is in the process of color coordinating them into baskets. a hefty project.
Anyway, that is the current news; with the exception of Barrack Obama and John McCain running for president...OH, and Ralph Nadar. AND, today we will begin our study on Seurat - the pointilism impressionist. BUT, i have to admit, my current position is quite agreeable: fire, beautiful music and writing....what could be better~~ oh yes, all three children are writing as well. *what* they are writing is skeptical, but they are writing and that is the purpose of this excercise.
Life is good and i really don't think i am waiting for that inevitable crash to happen; i am just holding on to the goodness of it all!
Katie
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Random again
So, a visit at daybook time and because it is Perry's turn, we have random music playing.
I have to say, i am in that spot. That spot that you begin to sink down into that piece of furniture and you know it is going to be a masterminded attempt to get out and upright again.
I am in that spot; thinking, what have i done?
With each question, i sink a bit deeper; although knowing it will be more difficult to get back up.
1. Am i doing right by my children?
2. Are they learning from me?
3. Is their experience of value?
4. Would they be better of elsewhere?
5. where did the fun go?
6. Are they isolated?
7. What is the way?
I have said this before; academically, my children are sound. Almost any child in a one on one environment is going to thrive. Are they thriving in everything else that is just as worthy and important? There are not daily play dates. There is not a lot of banter back and forth with classmates. There is no relationship building with classroom teachers.
I realize i am processing by selection. But I need to know if i have offered a world of opened senses...not a world of closed doors. I can not offer a classroom with children of different countries or socio-levels. I have what is only before me. I need time to think, to rearrange. When i plan for a week's lessons at 11pm the evening before; i am closed to the possibilities.
I need time. Time to figure what my first move will be on getting out of that spot.
I have to say, i am in that spot. That spot that you begin to sink down into that piece of furniture and you know it is going to be a masterminded attempt to get out and upright again.
I am in that spot; thinking, what have i done?
With each question, i sink a bit deeper; although knowing it will be more difficult to get back up.
1. Am i doing right by my children?
2. Are they learning from me?
3. Is their experience of value?
4. Would they be better of elsewhere?
5. where did the fun go?
6. Are they isolated?
7. What is the way?
I have said this before; academically, my children are sound. Almost any child in a one on one environment is going to thrive. Are they thriving in everything else that is just as worthy and important? There are not daily play dates. There is not a lot of banter back and forth with classmates. There is no relationship building with classroom teachers.
I realize i am processing by selection. But I need to know if i have offered a world of opened senses...not a world of closed doors. I can not offer a classroom with children of different countries or socio-levels. I have what is only before me. I need time to think, to rearrange. When i plan for a week's lessons at 11pm the evening before; i am closed to the possibilities.
I need time. Time to figure what my first move will be on getting out of that spot.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Almost Spring
Today is Daybook time and the four of us find ourselves sitting in this sun-soaked room; knees propped up on couches; little heads bopping in rhythm to the music, writing about whatever occurs at the moment.
I am trying to get my head on straight with so many things going on....little things that are hidden in details and often forgettable. Writing lists only helps if one remembers to check the list, or remembers to put the list in a prominent place. As much as i try to plan my life ahead of the waves, i am forever just barely making it over before it all comes crashing in. I think my life revolves around the 24 hours prior. Ideas, schedules, agendas begin a fabulous genesis in my mind with great advancement. If i were in charge of writing the 66 books of the bible, the beginning would be unparalleled to anything read before. There would be little mentioned in the middle and the book of Revelation would simply say, "Well, there ya go!"
Daybook time is just about over and then we will move on to reading The Winter of Red Snow - the Revolutionary War Diary of Abigail Jane Stewart. From there, we will move onto the poetry and biography of Phyllis Wheatley. The African American Slave who was well known for her poetry during the Revolutionary War period. The kids have to memorize one of her poems this week.
Talk to you soon.
I am trying to get my head on straight with so many things going on....little things that are hidden in details and often forgettable. Writing lists only helps if one remembers to check the list, or remembers to put the list in a prominent place. As much as i try to plan my life ahead of the waves, i am forever just barely making it over before it all comes crashing in. I think my life revolves around the 24 hours prior. Ideas, schedules, agendas begin a fabulous genesis in my mind with great advancement. If i were in charge of writing the 66 books of the bible, the beginning would be unparalleled to anything read before. There would be little mentioned in the middle and the book of Revelation would simply say, "Well, there ya go!"
Daybook time is just about over and then we will move on to reading The Winter of Red Snow - the Revolutionary War Diary of Abigail Jane Stewart. From there, we will move onto the poetry and biography of Phyllis Wheatley. The African American Slave who was well known for her poetry during the Revolutionary War period. The kids have to memorize one of her poems this week.
Talk to you soon.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Daybook TIme
I sit in this sunny corner of my room. Simon has once again been assigned the music and we are listening to B-52s - PLANET CLAIRE. It is hard not to bop around while typing. We are beginning an official week of school. the last two weeks have been rather sporadic with field trips, family matters and a trip out to California. So, the four of us ist in this sound filled environment, writing away.
We continue on our study of the Revolutionary War. I am trying to figure out where i can stop - but there is so much intriguing information. I would like to be done by late spring so that we may begin the Civil War. But I also have the War of 1812 to squeeze in. As I think out loud, i think that one year (such as this year) we will concentrate on American Wars and the following we will concentrate on explorers and inventors - within the same time frame. There is a world awaiting for us with Lewis and Clark.
All three seem to be committed to working through a home school environment for another year. When I tell my husband this, he supports the idea; but if i told him that i am taking the kids back to school and i will be going backto teaching, he would support that as well - as well as the idea of me playing tennis and eating ice cream every day.
One of my favorite B-52 songs is coming on. I need to gel and listen.
"Roll it over it your mind. Why don't you dance with me; i'm not no linberger. Why don't dance with me...i'm not no linberger. Just a linberger. Just a linberger. Dance this mess around. Dance this mess around. Everybody goes to parties, they dance this messa round. They do all 16 dances. They do the cookaloo - they do the shy tuna. They do the camel walk. They do the hypocrit. Hippy hippy boy hippy hippy shake." Okay, enough of that.
We continue on our study of the Revolutionary War. I am trying to figure out where i can stop - but there is so much intriguing information. I would like to be done by late spring so that we may begin the Civil War. But I also have the War of 1812 to squeeze in. As I think out loud, i think that one year (such as this year) we will concentrate on American Wars and the following we will concentrate on explorers and inventors - within the same time frame. There is a world awaiting for us with Lewis and Clark.
All three seem to be committed to working through a home school environment for another year. When I tell my husband this, he supports the idea; but if i told him that i am taking the kids back to school and i will be going backto teaching, he would support that as well - as well as the idea of me playing tennis and eating ice cream every day.
One of my favorite B-52 songs is coming on. I need to gel and listen.
"Roll it over it your mind. Why don't you dance with me; i'm not no linberger. Why don't dance with me...i'm not no linberger. Just a linberger. Just a linberger. Dance this mess around. Dance this mess around. Everybody goes to parties, they dance this messa round. They do all 16 dances. They do the cookaloo - they do the shy tuna. They do the camel walk. They do the hypocrit. Hippy hippy boy hippy hippy shake." Okay, enough of that.
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