Split

Split Personality

My first sentence is not very productive; but it cuts to the chase of my confliction. At times I am envious.

I am envious of mindless banter between people. I am envious of parents who only see light and goodness and perfection in their offspring. I am envious of people who know a TV line up. I am envious of those who are shielded and lack complaint. I am envious of those who immerse themselves within the enormity of this world, the goodness of this world. I am envious of answers and new beginnings. I’m envious of those who have not lived through teenage hood yet. I’m envious of Mt. Everest – daunting, laughing, unattainable – yet complete, strong, and knowledgeable.
Envy is not productive. And at times, I am absent of such ugliness. Tonight, with a tight neck, bruised chest muscles and intentional gaze out the window….I am in the thick.

I have written journals to my children – before they were born, during their toddling and diaper changing years and documented preschool and elementary moments. Specked within are conversations of the job I have as a mother – the serious, time consuming and all sacrificing job I have as their mother.. I have noted that my life was not to be extraordinary, but I was destined to be the mom of 4 children and I was passionate about being the best mom I could/can be.

I am envious of good and decent mothers.

Troublesome at best

I am banging my head against the wall in continual slow motion replay.

My children will prosper into adulthood in spite of their parents; but what will they bring on this journey?