3:20

there is no title to this blog and it will be a quick - type, get the thoughts out and hit enter.  Sidney is waking up and my time of respite has come to an end.

latley, I have been mandating that I take in periods of rest.  I have actually napped in the past two days - but that may be because i am getting to bed by 1pm and up at 6:30.  I am not sure.  But, I am in absolute need of moments of unscheduled nothing.  I am not sure if this is good or not.  When I nap, i wake up tired, anyway.  When i 'schedule nothing' - i find myself surfing the web.  lately, i have been reading other people's blogs.  If  you go to the top of my blog, you hit "Next Blog" and that is what i have been doing. 

It has given me introspection of where people are at and where i once was.  Lately, the randomness of design has led me to blogs of younger mothers.  Mothers in their early 20's who have chosen to stay at home.  I once was one of these mothers -- three car seats in the back of a van - doing preschool runs, volunteering for fingerpainting days, making crafts at home...well, my crafts always had a comedic outtake becuase i do not do crafts and they came out lopsided, burnt, or on the verge of collapse.

I sit here now - closer to turning 44 than 43.  My life has been heavy laden as of late.  I am not that young mother who has those moments of free spiritness to share with the world about the cuteness of her days.

I have a 14 year old boy who is on the absolute edge of taking off and flying solo.  There is nothing innocent about this.  He is under a constant watch and more than anybody, he gets my discussions on life, decisions, consequences of action, future outlooks, innocence and excitment.  I am purposely allowing him to fill his days with goodness and saying "yes" quite a bit more than "no."  The ties between us are growing stronger as he strengthens the distance between mother and son.

I have a 12 year old who is taking an incredible and challenging plunge into his own life.  i am right there with him, but no longer am i holding his hand and leading --- but simply watching him go.....He wants to so much be independent and the challenge is just that. He is not ready.  The navigation of our days is always in question and one false move will bring us back to the beginning.   

I have a 10 year old girl who is in great need of validation.  she too is marking her ground - but her voice has become quieter and her moments of wanting to be by herself are more frequent.  So, as a parent - i can wish for those days of baby time.  Singing, playing, rocking, laughing, attatching to one thing or the next - but my job has shifted and I am the mother of three very independent, unique and on the go kids. 

It is intense and noting to share lightly.  The blessing is that with age and understanding, the conversations are far more rewarding.  I *am* enjoying this life of mine, i am enjoying these moments and do not take them for granted, i just envy a bit that brownie making mom at times.

I read those blogs of younger mothers and it seems like an ideal world.  My blogs are no longer rainbow colored - but then again....this is not the time.

I have a 2 year old boy who for all intense and purpose, is also transitioning.  Soon, i will write about him and the songs we are learning and his cute first picture of preschool or his playdate arrangements with friends.  Now, we are getting reaquanted with one another.  His days are new.  it is just mommy in the house and he is finding a voice.  A very loud voice, might I add.  But those roll on the carpet times are back with uninterrupted hours.

I am in grief.  Each day, I am taking on a very large load of nothing but what grief looks like.  I have mentioned in the past - this is all good.  it is, but the reality of it plays the toll on who i am and my outlook.  By the time i get to write in my blog, i have already spent the day with a 14 year old teen (and most likely friends), 12 year old angst, 10 year old in transistion and an all day 2 year old.  I have scattered that day with writings, and research of grief and nothing but grief and being there to comfort and encourage a friend....and whatever it takes out of me, I am still in it.  I have said in the past, perhaps I, oneday, will seek out my own grief counselor. 

I apologize for the heaviness of my posts, but i am here.  I am an almost 44 year old busy mother of 4.  My children wear dirty, wrinkled clothing.  The boys smell 75% of the time.  They no longer brush their hair and I would think twice having them pose for an impromtu family photo. We are living life the best we know how.

I know i do not need to justify myself in my personal blog. it is mine and it captures my feelings of the day - i just find the irony of being in such a different place than the blogs that I have somehow stumbled upon.  Innocent, and "Awww" in response. 

Am I a negative person?  I dont' think so.  Am I in one of the hardest and most significant places in my life at this time? Absolutely. 

I am hitting enter now. 

Point of Discussion

I have an assignment to analyze this story and come up with something significant.  I will let you know when it happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtnG37texEI

The Crow and the Pitcher

September

September is in the air.  As soon as it appeared - i knew that transistion this year would be the most significant in quite some time. 

Today, the kids play outside across the street in a pool of water.  This is no longer something to look forward to, but a siezing of the day.  Sweaters, jeans, scarves, hats, and soon to be mittens, jackets, boots and sleds.  The children in bathing suits, the ones laying upon the grass with eyes closed in the sun's rays will soon be rolling snow balls, creating snowmen, snowforts and coming in wet, red nosed and  asking for hot chocolate.

Transistion

I am not one to accept transition well.  I need to have control over almost everything that is thrown my way.  If i could mark transistion on the calendar, I would. 

So, i ease into it.  I prepare slowly. I educate myself with resources and I plan.

The loud music plays on the driveway as my oldest has rigged up two more speakers to continue in the  flair of his life.He *is* transition.  I would like to say i envy this about him, but i do not.  I believe he will always be a fly by the seat of your pants guy.  The party will always be at Perry's Place. 

I wanted to sit down and write, but with the windows open, my mind on 9/11, my attention to the little bodies outside in play, it just isn't coming. 

I am in need of transition.  I am in need of placement. I am turning that page and it is blank - welcoming me to fill it.  Next September, I will look back on today and reflect on how i did it.  How did i step into something i knew nothing about. How did i transpire in that past year without a plan in place.

Today marks my first day.
Thank you for listening.

6 Months

There are too many metaphors to speak of in these past 6 months.  Too many inside jokes that have been formed simply to mark a moment in the day.  Each building atop of the next ..blanketed in strength. 

what does 6 months mean?  I'm not sure.  I am in the trenches. I am protective. I am fighting a fight. I am not letting go. I am....  I am ....not sure.

I am confused. I am disappointed. I am perplexed. I am frustrated.  I am hesitant. I am troubled. I am questionable. I am disgusted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am striving. I am lost. I am emotional. I am fragile. I am weakened. I am on my knees. I am weary. I am struggling.

I am isolated.

I am......
I am honored. I am fulfilled. I am rewarded. I am energized. I am at peace. I am pulling. I am pushing. I am guiding. I am listening. I am reaching out. I am sacrificing. I am here. I am still. I am active. I am bold. I am brazen. I am directive. I am leading. I am following. I am quiet. I am loud. I am silent. I am present. I am hopeful. I am confident. I am trust. I am love. I am loyal. I am laughter. I am strength.

I am.....

I am perseverance

These past (soon to be) six months have not been all encompassing. I feel i share in this life as I would a newborn child.  A being that takes up all time; but the capacity to love, thrive and continue with all additional aspects of one's life are all still there and available. It is when I stop or I slow down - (and for those of you who truly know me, you know that my physical body is always on the move) that I am able to give complete concentration to my day and this 6 month old experience takes hold.  I've often thought of seeking out my own grief counselor.  Wouldn't *that* look funny. 

I have told her that one day, she and I will be on a book tour circuit.  She will be the voice of reason and eloquently speak of her days gone by.  I will be to her right, with my fancy pen, signing the covers of my first  book, "Scrambled Eggs and Wrinkle Cream"

Thanks for listening

Life #18

Today, I received an email from Shannon.  My best friend during the high school years.  She announces that at the age of 43, she is now expecting her 5th child. 

Communication with the other is a blink here, a speck of dust there.  It is not uncommon for a significant life event to be shared via email.

I paused in reading and let the flood of memory soothe over.  It took but a second, but years shared with this friend took hold of me and left me yearning for a bit of yesteryear.

10 years ago, i found myself in a writing class in downtown Minneapolis.  Spontaneous writing moments were quick and an exercise in fluidity of thought.  Tonight, while looking for an entirely different document - one that is relevant to my present day, I found an old writing assignment that I wrote in class. We were to reflect on a life moment that brought significance to the present.  At the time, I had 3 babies at home and knowing they would one day grow up and explore their own adventurous exploits, I wrote one of mine.
….
----
The Mission Impossible theme resonates loudly in my head. You know what I'm talking about, the one with the opening montage when the wick is lit and swiftly moves across the screen....The drum sound that mimics the frantic beat of a heart?

Delicate footwork finds us on the roof of my car. Black on black outfits set the tone for the objective. Wrench in hand, hammer in pocket; we approach the goal in silence.

Shannon and I soon get accustomed to jumping off the car and laying down flat when headlights come within line of vision. But, determination reigns supreme. Back on roof.

“Okay, I’ve assessed the situation and I think we can get it this time.” And sounding like any professional surgeon on the job, “Nurse, vise grip.”

“Police car. Jump!” Shannon shouts.  And that is exactly what we do.  We land on the wet grass and huddle close by the side of the passenger door.  The car passes, we compose ourselves and we proceed.

 Remember, we are on a mission and there is a job to be done. We will not rest easily with defeat. We have trained long and hard for this to fall through the cracks....well, that's a lie. But it sounds impressive and important. 

Back on hood, over windshield, eventually on roof. A horn honks, a dog barks, a porch light flashes on – then off. Shannon’s demands of quickening the pace are muffled by the looming thunder. We look around cautiously. During that midnight hour, all is quiet except for the hissing of spinning wheels on wet pavement. Our breaths are quick and fast.  Deep breath in and out.   Mission accomplished!

The open trunk of my car dictates the use of side streets. We press our lips to the aluminum rims of the coca-cola cans. Our sweaty palms greet each other in a celebratory high five. We discuss where in her room the green and white Shannon Boulevard sign we just unhinged from the neighborhood street will find it’s refuge; above the trendy Mickey Mouse push button phone or next to the Jake Ryan, Sixteen Candles heartthrob movie poster.

hmmm

Wondering if i am in need of changing my blog title.  These experiential days are not necessarily about the life of an Elocutionist.  In 5 months, my life has been lifted.  God took my by the scruff of my neck and placed me in a role that I can not deny nor ever fathomed.  It is emotionally exhaustive, drains me daily, leaves me without fuel to continue at times - but allows me to endure in rhythmic progress.  I am able to take care of my family, their activities, and even make a meal from time to time.

It has been 5 months since the passing of David.   I feel I am taking on the role of different  people - absent people that are no longer in her world.   people who actively with complete conscious decided that it was just too hard to be a friend.  But I want to be there.  She is moving forward, as hard as it is, but she is moving forward. 

Am i finding my own balance? not quite yet.  I know I will. 
Do i want to be here?  i *do* want to.  more importantly, I am being called to be there. 
Has it changed me? More than I thought it would.

Not sure this is appropriate for a blog post - but posting anyway

Written tonight

5 months (August 16, 2011)

It’s been 5 months and you wonder, who really are you without David. Who *are* you? And do you really matter? If it wasn’t for the kids, would you feel that your life was completed?

You relive March 16 over and over again. Trying to fit it all together and answer those what ifs that keep you awake at night. Your life is riddled with questions and rarely do you find peace in the answers.

You are finding that the ebb and flow of grief has a pattern…sometime predictable, but often it storms in out of nowhere, arriving without warning; knocking you off your temporary standing that brought relative comfort.

It has been 5 months and you are realizing that the months can continue to clock on through, and it really doesn’t matter, does it? The loss of David has not eased since that evening. Coping has changed and shifted, but not the feelings. They never will.

You heard rumors and people talking and telling you that with time, things will get easier. You never put hope in this, but there was a potential that was alluring ,at least. But, in 5 months, things have not gotten easier.

You are a stranger in a crowded room. It's Hi how are you and talk, talk, talk but you’re not there. You want to leave because you feel so alone. You used to look for understanding. You used to look for a ‘place’ that didn’t drown you or pull you under. Now, you have given up on expectations.

It’s been 5 months. What is that supposed to look like? Funny, it doesn’t feel much different than last month or the month before that
Who will you be in month 6 or in month 7? Who will you be without David. A reinventing is needed; but this is baffling to think about. Why?

You have a desire to live – if not for you then for your children, but life continues in a fog. You are impressed that you actually get your pants on with the zipper in the front! This is 5 months in. Is any of this going to get better? Your friend, Katie, screams it out as loud as she can, “IS ANY OF THIS GOING TO GET BETTER?”

153 Days tomorrow (according to my calculations)

How often do you even replay March 15th in your mind? Did you have time with your David that evening?

5 months and you have seen the smallness and the pettiness of some people that you never even gave a second thought about. Grief has changed you. Life without David has changed you and you are forcing yourself to live, to face, to continue. One breath, one step, one more prayer.

How can people tell you to look ahead and plan ahead when the outlook is desolate, lonely, dark and unwelcoming. Why would people say those things?

You stumble. How are you to walk and continue when the person who supported you in those steps is now no longer?

5 months:

Can you make it through? YES

WILL you make it through? YES

Will you become stronger? YES

Will you begin to discover yourself in all this? YES

Will you see your friend, Katie, more frequently? YES!

Will you substitute your grief with online late night shopping? Oh, Lord help us if you do!

Will you find the necessary TIME for JOY to spend some time alone? (not in your room) YES!

Will your appetite return? YES

Will your new love for soy mochas wane? NO (I had to put in a no, somewhere…can’t be all color and sparkle)

Will you continue to find daily strength in scripture? YES

Will you be able to conquer this? I HOPE SO….

Love forever
Katie

It is done

7 days - one bathroom.  Tackled and completed. Tomorrow early morning, we leave on vacation.  It is 9pm and i have yet to think about packing.

Here are a couple of pics.

BEFORE - with toilet and sink already ripped out






Demo was fun.  The clean up was not so much.  I went out and bought a couple of masks to wear.

Bathroom Redoux

Again, simply noting a timeline of events - for one day I will forget this ever happened. This blog will help me pass the time when i am old and feeble.

Subject: Remodeling a Friend's Bathroom (Saturday, June 23 - Saturday, June 30)
How I got here:  A fund raiser and a new bathroom has always been my goal. Somehow i got sidetracked into redoing the inside of the house as well...not on my first priority.

A husband passed away in his family bathroom 4 months ago.  This room had to be changed.  The entire visual had to be altered.  Family members still need to exist and live in the home.  it HAD to change.  3 1/2 months ago, I contacted our local Home Depot, I met with them, I invited them into the home, I met with them again and finally, my friend and I went to the store front and picked out all the new materials that the store was going to donate. We remodeled an entire bathroom within a 10 minute visit.  It had to be quick, easy, and unremarkable...and it was.

A month ago, i begin to seek out contractors, plumbers, sheet rockers, anyone and everyone who would be willing to lend a hand.  No one.  Some people doubted the authenticity of my story; but most simply didn't respond.  I began to seek out the wealthiest of the contractors....the ones who do large lake homes.  Could they find it within them to concentrate a small amount of time on a tiny bathroom - making a significant impact.  Clearly, money was not an issue.  These companies could easily afford this.  Again, no one....but one.  "Katie, we will be very happy to help your friend.  tell us when and where to meet and we can discuss the details." 

I was happy, elated, gitty with excitement that things were falling into place. 

The family was to be gone the last week of July.  Perfect timing to get in there and get it done.  "By the way, we will have to charge for our labor to get it done for you."  I met with them anyway.  Thinking, once they see the bathroom, once they hear me out on where this family stands, once they feel that beginning desire of philanthropy -they will accept it.  I met with the president of the company.  He saw the bathroom but was unimpressed.  We went ahead and scheduled a visit with the sheet rocker and plumber.  Upon introducing myself, i was surprised that neither knew anything about this family.  They were simply there to bid out a paying job.  I was as accommodating as possible.  Showing this man how meaningful this experience would be to his company.  I drove downtown, delivered the specs he requested - giving my time, just as he will give back to this family.

The bids came back with padded amounts from the president of the company.  He was going to squeeze out my last penny.

I could afford the sheet rocker, but not the plumber.  I got back on the phone.  With extended family help, i found one who knows the family, he is donating all his time and he is taking off the week that is needed.

Today, I met with Matt from Home Depot.  he drove to the family home, truck loaded up with what it will take to put back together a bathroom.  We piled everything into the family's dining room (they leave early tomorrow morning) and I went home - knowing i will be back, bright and early in the morning.

This afternoon, i sat on my couch, logged onto YouTube and watched, "How to take bathroom tile off"  "How to break up a cast iron tub."  I then went into the garage, took a recycling bin and loaded it with all my materials: hammer, sledge hammer, crow bar, safety goggles, tarp, screw drivers, dust pan, etc, etc. 

Saturday Morning: A friend, the plumber and I will convene and begin demolition.  Monday, the plumber will do his stuff.  Tuesday, the sheet rocker will do his stuff.  Thursday and Friday, i will be back in the my friend to paint, lay floor, put in light fixtures, towel bars, etc.

A bathroom redo --- I have no idea......It will be really fun to see how this turns out.

To My Husband

A chance meeting
     an evening dance
became a smile
became a conversation
    became a touch.

became a kiss
became a knowing
     became a destiny
became a road

And now
everything I always wanted
     everything
I always needed

everything
I will always love
is right here
in one incredible man.

Love, Katie