New Journal Entry

Today, we turn the page to a new chapter in Perry Avenson's book, "The Consequence of Decision." Today, we reach both the conclusion obtained by a line of reasoning as well as commence upon a staggering life transforming moment.

The bus arrived a little late this morning. A fellow neighbor and I watched from afar - as to not be seen by the two pristine and un-tarnished jr. high students. I watched him round the corner from the driveway - new backpack, new clothes, new attitude. I jokingly shouted, "Honey, I'm only a phone call away!"

I'm only a phone call away......

Caressing his backside in early life, sharing gleeful moments of 'garbage man' making his way; taking kindergarten pictures at bus stop with smiling and goofy friends, bringing him home to engineer new confidences within. Now....I am only a phone call away.

In silent moments, i breathe it in, capturing the essence of memory, intersecting moments of time - bringing him to today..his day, his decision, his moment, his new chapter.

----- But at night time, when that teenager was sleep, the mother opend the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be

http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm

Let the Mill Run

Just the run of the mill day...

I have decided to document my day, for no particular purpose. Each day, my husband comes home and at dinner, when the kids ask how daddy's day was, he responds, "Oh, just another busy day, just like any other day...really busy." I can easily concur; but no one seems to take interest. By dinner time, I really have nothing to say or show for it. The kids are sitting down, the hands are washed and they are typically in good spirits. To the naked eye, the day seems insignificant.

I thought today, I would write down what goes on in a typical day. Each day brings upon itself a momentum of energy. Some days, you barely escape the towering waves just waiting to envelope you and yet, other days breeze by without significant recognition.

Enjoy the experiment.

8:00: Woke up with 10 year old saying, “I can’t open my right eye.” The day before, he hit his head on the concrete steps and the protruding goose egg has drained into his eye. His face is a wreck

8:15: The kitchen sink is backed up from the evening before. Husband trying to snake out whatever might be stuck.

8:20: Infant wakes up. He had a decent night. Only up maybe 3 times??? That is pretty good! Put him on my bed with other children who are allowed to watch cartoons this morning because of 10 year old’s misfortunes. I have to say, with each passing child, the TV has become more familiar. The first born was age 2 before he ever laid eyes upon the screen. By the fourth child, my husband plopped him onto our bed and with sarcastic tones, said, "Get used to it."

8:50: A call is made to Roto Rooter to ask for an appointment. They respond by telling me a truck will be in my neighborhood within the hour. In that hour, I must get all kids fed, infant nursed and dressed, myself looking 'presentable' and the kitchen cleaned as it has dishes stacked from sink to ceiling.

9:30: 12 year old boy begins to get ready for Grandma to come and go school clothes shopping. There is a lot of back and forth: "No, you are not wearing that." "Your socks need to match." "You WILL brush you teeth." as well as coaching and reminding him of all the appropriate manners to display with his Grandma; "Remember to say thank you." "Don't order the biggest thing off the menu."

Baby begins to cry, as he is hungry ---only had time to nurse on one side because the kitchen still needs to be cleaned in preparation for plumber

10:00: Caring for my road rash 10 year old who still seems to be a bit shaken from the day before, the doorbell rings and it is the plumber. Carrying hungry baby around; how refuses to be autonomous at this moment, making sure 12 year old is looking presentable for grandma, and running downstairs to answer both the doorbell and turn off washing machine that is in constant beeping mode; as it is also broken and can not go through a full cycle without stopping and beeping and beeping and beeping.

10:15: "Knock...knock: says grandma - opening the door and coming in. Plumber is in need of my attention. I take infant, pass him off to Grandma and possible get out a, "Good morning, " before I rush off to see plumber.

10:30 House is quiet. Grandma and 12 year old are out the door, Plumber is almost done; but needs to give me direction and further advise me on the maintenance schedule of our very old sink. He is a methodical plumber, takes his job very seriously and now I am captive to his history lesson on 'Plumbing in Old Houses." Meanwhile, the baby I am holding begins to nurse off my face, trying to find anything to satiate it's appetite and the 8 year old interrupts the scene to ask if she can have a friend over.

11:00: The baby is nursed and set down for a nap. First load of laundry is taken out of dryer and is plopped onto bed. Begin folding.

11:10: Doorbell rings again. Twin boys from across the street, want to come in to play.

11:15: The once quiet house if again, filled with noise. I call the Pediatrician to see what needs to be done with 10 year old. The neighbors up the street are away on vacation and I will soon need to go and feed their cats.

11:30: I sit down for a small break – get second cup of coffee from the morning’s pot. Already cold.

12:00: Laundry folded. Pediatrician calls back and advises that we take child into ER. Baby is still asleep. 12 year old is still out and about. 8 year old has arranged a playdate – but it will conflict with ER time. Husband innocently calls to check in on the day and begins to tell me that his day is very busy: meeting here...lunch date there. Send friends home as it is getting too loud and I do not tolerate kids standing on my couches. Make kids lunch.

12:30: Typing my day up and off to fix laundry machine and put kitchen back together after the plumber left as well as begin a puzzle with 8 year old.

1:12: In the past 45 minutes, infant has awakened, and in the middle of nursing him, I have called a couple of medical facilities and have decided upon the emergency room at Southdale. Husband calling back and forth as he is trying to arrange his day to help out. Calling Grandma and leaving a message on her phone. Infant is hungry and thinks, of course, that the entire day should be all about him. Thinking that I should get some breakfast in my body as I have had nothing to eat. Calling Lucy’s playmate friend to see if we can arrange either a different time or can she watch Lucy while I sit in ER. Husband on his way home to take 10 year old to ER. Called friend to watch infant, but she is not home. 10 year old currently is in need of my help……

Today is a bit ramped up – but in all honesty – there is always something. I really don’t understand how people have time to read books, have a clean house or breathe…for that matter (laugh)

1:34: Shoving down a cold piece of peanut butter toast and the phone rings: father in law calling to see if he can come over today. He is also without transportation and will need to be picked up….20 miles north west of here. I tell him that today is relatively crazy. He begins to tell me about his jr. high days and tells me about his youth.

3:08: On the phone with my mom – who just came out of a pancreatic procedure to rule out cancer. She has been on my mind all morning long.

12 year old, who is now home, shouts from adjacent room, “Mom, I just unlocked the bike!” Meeting that statement with great (silent) resistance, I go sit out in the playroom and watch him play Mario Kart Wii for 20 minutes while he shows me all his great moves and short cuts. The Wii is a thorn in my side.

I have had a glass of orange juice. Nursed infant again. Set him down to nap – but his loud crying proved that he was not up for this. Friend came to pick up lucy for playdate. Stayed a while and visited (nice). Husband reports that all is well at the ER. Swelling will take up to 10 days to come down in 10 year old. Off to get infant who is still crying in crib.

3:25 I nurse infant and place him gently in his crib, as he is now falling asleep. 10 year old comes in house, “Mom!!??” I say in low tone, “Hold on, I will be right there.” I begin to cover up sleepy infant. “MOM!!???” Infant begins to cry. I address the 10 year old and then begin to rock baby again and calm him down. Phone begins to ring on the changing table, as i had left it there earlier. Almost calmed infant looks around for ringing phone and loses concentration of FALLING ASLEEP. I place him in his crib anyway and out of pure exhaustion, he drifts off.

12 year old gets MP3 player in the mail that he has been waiting for – purchased on his own. I take opportunity to vacuum under the table, clean up dried baby puke off living room rug and make bed.

3:31: Burning a David Byrne CD for my son onto my computer so he can transfer it to his new player

3:44: Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. All is reasonable quiet and at peace. I think I will breathe it in.

3:45: Just squirted grape jelly all down the front of my white linen shirt.

4:07: Infant up. I was able to empty half of the dishwasher

4:15: Feeding the beast again. I am not sure why he wants to nurse so much today…probably sensing my need to be a little independent from him and he is protesting in great force.

4:45: Taking walk over to Lucy’s friends and picking her up. Mommy and Sidney taking an afternoon stroll

5:22: Back home. Sidney in jumper. Kids on their own. I do believe it is time for half a beer!

7:40: I never had that beer…although, I may now. 10 year old needed attention…some TLC. Now he is finally outside, playing with friends. Made kids dinner (as husband staying late at work). Acknowledging the fact that the day was not all about him; and quite upset by it, Sidney made certain he was paid his rightful attention. 7:20, put him down to sleep. Went to neighbors to pick some tomatoes (as they are on vacation) and tried to tend to my own garden…mosquitoes, mosquitoes, mosquitoes.

7:50: Scratching all my mosquito bites and opening up that beer.

DISCLAIMER: I am incredibly cognizant of the world around me. I am completely aware that there are those who fight each day simply to survive. Others are trapped in an environment they feel they will never escape. The following passage is trivial, at most. I am completely enveloped within this family and so fortunate to have these experiences.

Thanks for listening.

a little wine and conversation

The weather was perfect last night for a little wine and conversation. Cool breeze, leaves rustling, crickets chirping, frogs croaking, and john and katie talking.

honorable mention

This has to be said - before it escapes the mind forever. For each waking minute we walk on this earth, we constantly check in with ourselves, "Was that a good decision?" "Was I too rude?" "Would this be a good purchase?" "I wonder how my comment was interpreted?" "Am I doing what is right?" Quick analysis is in constant motion.

So, within this time of monitoring of self, where do dreams factor? How does one 'analyze' or 'interpret' the mind when it;s on it's own at night. Are dreams for entertainment sake; giving the mind something to do while the soul sleeps? Should credence be paid to these times of unrealistic directions?

Last night I had a dream and to even begin to peel apart the layers of interpretation is impractical.

~~ Angelina Jolie needed my help. She was about to go into labor and her nurse needed to clock in for her 15 minute break. I stepped in (as any non medical professional would) to assist. She had arranged for a water birth; so i pulled in my large cynlindrically shaped aluminum container and i filled it up with 'warm' water. She was somehow able to fit most of her torso in the bin ( she was very agile at 9 months). I told her that for a water birth, she would have to have her face submerged. I told her that this is what she has been preparing for and her breathing techniques will prevent her from drowning. And so she did. She submerged her face underwater and by now, the rest of her body was sticking out of the container and she was ready to give birth.

Her face (under water) created an obstacle for communication, so - in my best efforts, i signed to her the directions. I was completely calm and relaxed and surprised at the fluidity of my sign language.

Angelina's delivery was without significance. She delivered a healthy 12 year old, long blond haired (with dread locks) girl who named herself Elizabeth. When i went to cut the umbilical chord, (Elizabeth wanted it extra long so that she could put some plastic beads on it), i was unable to find decent surgical scissors, and reaching into my own personal diaper bag, i was able to attain a very used pair of Fiskars Kid Scissors. It took effort and muscle power of course, but in the end, the umbilical chord was cut!

Meanwhile, the water was getting cold, and Angelina wanted to get dressed. A lab tech came in, assessed my job and Elizabeth was on her way to meet up and introduce herself to her new family members. She showed great interest when mentioned that there was a Wii at home.

The remains of the dream alter within a feeble story line and not worth mentioning (smile).

These involuntary ideas, emotions and sensations are quite speculative. How does the waking mind even begin to interpret these captivating neural processes? And what reflections of self do they portray?

Thanks for listening.

a showering

tonight, into the late evening, as the rain gathers in it's expressive descent upon my flowered deck; i think back to the past couple of hours.

All children were being watched by our fantastic neighbors and friends.

Tonight, I declared to my husband, "I need to be filled up."

Tonight, the two of us took off in the convertible jeep and made our way to a very grown up restaurant...not a child in site. (www.northcoastwayzata.com)

Tonight, my husband showered me with compliments on all spectrum's.
1. mother
2. wife
3. friend
4. katie

it doesn't take much to re-energize when the other to whom you feel so passionate about shares feelings of worthiness, love, adoration and appreciation.

Tonight, i laughed within adult context. I shared educated views. I listened with an intelligent ear. I conversed within a knowing and welcoming theme.

Tonight, our table was void of milk (white or chocolate), pasta, dried chicken, straws and crayons. The waitress did not once say, "Now, hon, watch it because this plate is hot."

The breeze off the lake complimented the clinking of our toasting glasses and the murmuring of adjacent adult conversation mimicked our own song of verse.

Tonight was an exceptional evening to be John and Katie.

Thanks for listening

Will I Miss These Moments?

My infant son and I rock in his chair as the U2 Rock-a-Bye Baby Cd plays at my feet. As he slowly closes his eyes and his brain is lulled by each passing rock; i wonder, "Will I miss these moments?"

He is now asleep and my mind wonders to my children. In present time, what will I look back upon and truly miss.

Lucy:


This morning, as we gathered in the van to depart for the day, I asked, "Do you have your water bottle?" She jumped out of the car and back inside the house. Minutes later, she emerged from the garage door, and in her crying jags, i hear, "I can't find it anywhere."

Lucy has a dainty spirit and it does not take much to shatter her world (an irony prevails with how she dresses and presents herself and i will get to that later). Everyday mishaps bring her to full on tears and i have to wonder, "Will i miss these moments?" On what occasion, will I fondly look back at this time. What family gathering will we be at when it is appropriate for me to say, "Oh Lucy, remember how you used to cry at every little misstep in life? Ah, good times."

At night, Lucy reminds me to come in her room for a hug and a kiss - even though we have said our good nights, and i have kissed her and whispered sweet nothings in her ears , she still waits for me to come in. This has been a ritual for many years - the process has changed a bit and the rhythm of the evening has changed - but I am always and forever asked to come into her room. Presently, it is because she has to kiss me all over my face. Forehead, chin, each cheek, nose, ears and finally lips, with a final hug at the end. There are evenings i dread going in because other mundane aspects of life seem to trump her willing desire of loving contact. Other evenings, i revel in our presence with the other. Today, as i look at this and know this ritual will one day pass, I have to say, "Yes, I will miss these moments."

She is quite the individual and has always had a flare for dress. It began with unmatched socks that have now disappeared for almost a year now (and i forget at times to 'miss' those moments). Now, it is boy shorts and a very worn, ugly brown 'happy t-shirt' that is donned on daily. Her friends and peers have ribbons in the hair, braids, cute pony tails and fashionable clothes that a mom might say, 'hey, she really looks cute.' Lucy has on knee hi's, plaid boy shorts and her happy shirt - accompanied with her hair down and often in her face. I can not deny that when her outlook on fashion changes, it will be bittersweet. I treasure her unique style. it gets old at times and there are moments i wish i could go out and purchase a new wardrobe for her - but she is her own person and she declares it perfectly with her dress. Yes, I will miss these moments!"

Perry:

I had to skip Simon for a moment and jump to Perry. I am wondering when will there be a time when i will say, "Oh ya, i forgot that you used to play with Lego's continuously throughout the days." If I look around me, I see a computerized Lego bob-cat sitting in front of me on the dining room table and just behind me, escaping my view for the moment, is a room capped with Legos.

Perry and his dad got up at 5am this morning to build Lego's together (as was promised by dad who had an early conference call to attend to and 5am was decided upon as a decent time to play together). I find myself closing the door from view, and I am not able to navigate my way to the couch without stepping on something plastic. John and I used to build fortresses out of duplo blocks when Perry was a toddler. He is now 12 and building with his Lego's offers him an exceptional pleasure that I can not see being matched by anything other. Today, he has an offer to go to a friends house and swim for the afternoon - and there is a hesitancy about him because he wants to do some programming for his NXT bob-cat he just built (I just got him a programming book for his set). I am not sure what will change in Perry's life and I am not sure when the time will come when i will say, "oh, how i miss those moments of Lego's in my sun room." But i know i will!

I walk a very fine line with Perry as a parent. It has been one of my most challenging tasks in life and I once wrote that God had not intended great things for me with the exception of being a mom to an extraordinary boy. the cursor blinks as my mind flashes to a multitude of 'moments' that have passed and that i truly miss.


* baking odd creations that john and I ate in his presence -- some good, some horrid - but he had a love of baking.

* his early love of geography. packing up his clothes at the age of 4, bringing a suit case into the living room and saying, "mom, when i am in 4th grade, i am going to be leaving and going on a trip to many places around the world. here is a picture of me so that you don't forget what i look like." The picture was a hand drawn picture of him on a piece of scratch paper and i left the 'packed' suit case in our living room for a couple of weeks.

* His love of puzzles at such an early age, he couldn't get enough. I quickly look at his life today and see his multitude of 'first place' chess trophies on his book case, the Lego's he has formed that are mind blowing. Oh, what a mind.

There are many aspects of perry's personality that are ingrained within - some attractive and others quite questionable and as mom, i am thinking...ya, i wouldn't mind 'missing those moments.'

Simon:

Simon, Simon, Simon. I am not sure where to begin. This boy wears his heart on his sleeve and is fragile to the core. This is what i am hoping to look back upon and truly NOT miss. He is delicate in every way and I often tip toe around his brittle self. When I stomp in front of him with my monsterous steps at times; i crumble within the aftermath and this is where i find myself today. Filled with question on 'how could i have handled that situtation better with my son?'

At night, when we hug our good nights, i feel my baby. I feel his innocence and his desire to be cuddled and i feel an almost ardent desire from him to be young again. At times I think this world is too much for him and the pressure of 'where to be' presses too much upon him. He is a boy in constant search of himself and at times he reaches out to me to save him - and this is where i falter.

What are the 'will i miss these moments' scenarios with Simon? I am not completly sure.

Will I miss that he goes to bed with two tiny rags that were once his baby blanket? Yes.
Do I miss that he used to wear a hat every single day of his life (and still does in the winter time). Yes.
Will I miss those moments that he changed his core character to mimic someone else's near to him? No.
Will I miss - "I will just go with the crowd" mentality he often takes part in? No
Will I miss those fleeting moments when he is purely happy to be himself? YES!

(Tangent: Parenting is the hardest job on the planet and I can only pray that I am up for the task...tears).

These moments are not to be taken for granted. each passing second in life builds upon the next and I have to hold on to what I can before it fades away.

Will I miss these moments?

It's Party Time

I am in the midst of planning a party for my friend's 40th trip around our sun. Expected: 40 adults and 22 kids. I am thankful that it is not at my house. I am doing most of the cooking and the planning, however. It has been really fun planning it with the husband....who so wants to try his hardest in getting things done, but doesn't know where to begin. i have loved taking him by the hand and guiding him.....to only make this a success for his wife!

Sidney has thrown up on my arm, but before this posting, i have been making all kinds of pasta dishes. Pesto Cavatappi, Baked Ziti, Fettuccine with a special Alfredo sauce and the list goes on. She is an exceptionally picky eater; but is passionate about Italian!

Lucy's Scavenger Hunt

Lucy celebrated her 8th birthday not too long ago. I quickly made a scavenger hunt for her the evening before and this is what she woke up too.

#1.

Happy Birthday to our Lucy Bean
You are 8 years old today!

Your first clue will take you to a familiar scene.

It’s in a place where you get squeaky clean.

There is just one place for you to go
and make sure you scrub between each toe

#2
So, you are on your way with clue number 2
And looking nice is the theme for you
It seems your clothes end up in this machine
This is where you put them if you want them clean

#3
Well done to our Lula-Bug Girl
You are solving these clues all in a whirl
your next clue won’t be as easy
and you'll find it attached to something cheesy!

#4
So, you are smarter than you think!
And you found the Crazy Bugs box without many blinks
You will need to plug your nose for this next clue
and it is under something that STINKS

#5
This box is mostly filled with things
that rarely bring you glee
Like bills, and junk, and other stuff
perhaps a clue or birthday card, you may see

#6
You play the Wii, you read a book
You are never considered a slouch -
but this next clue is where you sit
go inside and look under the?????

#7
Hmmm, it is hard to throw you off
You are one smart girl; there is no denyin’
Your next clue is in a small house
Where your Pet Pets are in the windows….spyin’

#8
Okay, you have done your job so well
and it is time to celebrate with Hollandaise eggs and juice
Run to the table girl…run – run – run!
your presents have been LET LOOSE!