Changing Shapes

We laughed today as I asked, "Why would you want to know if my laundry smells because it has stayed in the machine too long?"  


Changing shapes into something mundane and humdrum


Today marks 10 months

I have allowed myself to be tangled within her world.  To be taken down into the depths of her despair as well as be there when there was a small glimmer of light and hope to her day.  She has stood strong and steadfast on her own terms, "I need to grieve, i want to grieve.  If this is too hard, I understand."

At times her heart and soul were like putty in my hands, but more often, she has glued herself back together innumerable times completely on her own.

We have acknowledged and analyzed this relationship that started with an electric jump and demanded that we find purpose in this quasi parallel journey.

And..... we have vowed to always be honest.  Blatantly honest.


Last month, my cup runneth over with more devastating news.  I retreated within myself.  I excused my absence.  At the end of the day, a gallon of paint and a smile were not going to fix this one.  My anger presented itself in silence and seeking.

In changing shapes, we look to the other - naive presence at times, asking to break these waves with something new. Something building.  The ground markings have been there; now it is up to us to keep up in it's definition.

We are building a new friendship through all this.  A friendship in definition.  A, "Hey, whatsa doin'?" simple question commitment.

The pathway in finding the other has been extraordinary.  The dance of friendship in a complete sense has not been experienced and I am excited at the prospect.  We are changing shapes.

I know of her struggles. I know of her desire for blue skies.  I know her tears. Her resignation.  I know her strength.  I know her need for purpose.

In today's 10 month marker, we went out to lunch.  a deliberate conversation that wrapped the other in love, humor, future engagements.

10 months today.  looking back.  looking ahead.  remembering. planning. smiling and not forgetting.

Thanks for listening.

here is a week in review via pictures.  

Sunday, January 15, 2012: Today, I painted a couple of pictures to hang by my new desk in the office. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012: John has been working on finishing the office.  Today, he finished staining the desk drawer fronts.  He chose a really cool looking blue to go against the dark mahogany stain. 

Friday, January 13, 2012: My friend and I went out for a wonderful dessert. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012: This evening, Lucy and I went out on a coffee date.  She had hot chocolate, we played cards and we laughed until our bellies ached.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012: Typical day.  Today, I took a picture of Lucy practicing her piano

Tuesday, January 10, 2012: Sidney and I took advantage of the unusual warmth and went to Lake Minnetonka in search of trains.  We didn't find any, but we enjoyed the morning outside.

Monday, January 9, 2012: Sidney and I playing around with my IPhoto app on the Mac.  We sent this picture to John telling him that Aliens will be attacking soon

Sunday, January 8, 2012: 19 years of marriage.  Orchid greeting me in the morning. Thai dinner out that evening.

When All is Quiet....

When all is quiet...i search for words
When all is quiet...I yearn to write
When all is quiet...i look within ---- deep within
When all is quiet...my labored breathing finds rest
When all is quiet...i find placement within my ending
When all is quiet...i transpire and turn
When all is quiet...noise becomes profound
When all is quiet...the speck of existence unravels
When all is quiet...the wholeness of being pixelates
When all is quiet...i am here

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Here i am.

_____________

I am in need of writing something.  I need to find words.  I believe i have them, but the transformation from thought to word is not fluid; and hence i choose not.

I am hesitant in my words this evening, I am hesitant of my naiveté

I am cognizant yet undermined by my lack thereof

I am in awe of surrounding beauty, kindness and innocence.

I am now filling the quiet with uplifting noise ~~~ the front door opens, the children run up the stairs, take off their jackets from the cold and begin their story of this evening.

Thanks for listening

written from the office of katie avenson

I am sitting in my new office.  it is still in transition - but it is almost complete.  soon, drawers will be filled with files that have taken up residence in my closet.  I will have a new chair to sit on, instead of an exercise ball.  I can spread out my work on a hard desk and not take up the dining table, the couch or my bed.

The coolest thing about this office space is that this is where I will begin the chapters of my book.  This excites me.  Just to be down here in this 'space' that is mine makes me happy and i feel so grown up :)  I actually got to hit 'print' from my lap top and the printer turned right on.  I didn't have to travel from one room to the next, hook it up, wait.  so executive!

there isn't much significance to this post, but maybe a time marker as to when i shall begin.  hopefully there will be progress.

To my right is the boys Lego room.  It is divided by the other side of a partner desk.  They have divided the large desk with a Lego border...i am thinking a nice funky curtain for when those moments of, "I need to space myself from you" occur.

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why is there a line?

i guess it is symbolic of thoughts not read or reached.  I wish i had the simplicity of mind to talk about trivial matters.  Perhaps I do.  I think it comes down to my own choice, but also being married to one, who always chooses his words and discussions carefully that I, too, have grown into that a bit.

so, that line i guess is really bothering me.  A line that is separating a tangent of excited outlook to something that grounds me in a complicated way.  I am an Eeyore, looking to be more like Pooh.  this is not a compliment to self.  I yearn for purpose.

2012 Goals:
1. begin book
2. take a trip on my own - whether it be san fran or paris --- still in the works at this time
3. find moments of frivolity
4. connect with those who offer authenticity and remind me of the joy i share with them
5. try not to see myself as getting old (this will be tough, as i turn 44 in a matter of weeks)
6. get in shape: enough so that i don't have to buy pants that go up to my belly button (sign of old age).
7. figure out what is important to me - list it and live it
8. take advantage of kids being home - take them out more often with me.  at LEAST 4 times each before the dawn of a new year.  Today, sidney and i went to office max together...there....one down!
9. fill in the blanks
10. i don't want to say, "take time for me."  this is bogus.  we all find time just for ourselves.  I think what will be important to me this year is to take time to define my boundaries, and even harder, will be to stay within those boundaries.

side story:
This goes with the Eeyore wanting to be pooh bear and it bubbled within the mindset.   When i was teaching, I had on the schedule, SASTR.  This stood for Stop And Smell The Roses.  This was a time for my class of 25 or so students to have some productive down time (is that possible).  I would set in place art stations, poetry stations, picture viewing time, puzzles, science station, and even had the kids work on independent projects of their own agenda -- etc.  About 3 times a week, every student had that time to stop what we were doing and take a moment to relax, ponder, think outside the proverbial box.  It was excellent in theory and many students thrived during SASTR time.  They would eat up that Right Brain time.  i knew this was good.  But, I hated it.  during those times, I would nod over the to teacher aide or parent helper, tap my coffee cup and take off for up to  10 minutes to the teacher lounge.  I loved the end result, i just didn't like being involved in it.  The same would happen when the art teacher came in to teach a lesson.  I would hang out, be hands on, but when the 'creativity' got too much for me :), i would take a nice stroll through the elementary halls.

So, what does this say about my personality.

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a longer post than i had intended.

Goal for 2012:  find the pooh bear within me.  I have read the Tao of Pooh twice throughout these years and it leaves me hanging for attainment.

as always,
thanks for listening.
katie

19 Years

IMG_6060, a photo by katieavenson on Flickr.

Sunday, January 8th.

New Year's Eve

mail-2, a photo by katieavenson on Flickr.

The 5 of us were playing Pictionary when the snow began to fall in large amazing flakes. The kids quickly got their shoes on and went out to catch snowflakes on their tongues.

New Years Day

mail-1, a photo by katieavenson on Flickr.

After a beautiful evening of snow fall - Sidney wanted to make sure his bus was in on the action.

Peek-A-Boo

mail, a photo by katieavenson on Flickr.

Sidney playing pick-a-boo. He still thinks that i can't see him.

Perry Snowboarding

IMG_6046, a photo by katieavenson on Flickr.

Perry snowboarded on a play area and i caught him going over this snow wave thing