A Bathroom Story

Almost 9 months ago, I said out loud, "I HAVE to change that bathroom.  I began to write emails and make phone calls. On April 19th, I was given the go ahead by Home Depot Corporate Office to call my local Home Depot and make arrangements for assisting me in this desire of change.  That was 7 months ago that I have been physically active in all accounts trying my hardest in doing something extraordinary good for a friend and her children after the death of her husband.  The vision of his moment had to be erased.

A demolished bathroom and remodel all done quickly in a weeks time.  Donated material from HD was free but cheap.  Plumber was free and took short cuts to get job done.  Visual looked good, but in days time, turned out to be a non-working bath and shower.

Take 2: New Plumber - expert plumber.  Paid Plumber.  Leveled an uneven tub, but in the process, the cheap tub took a beating and began to flex in places it shouldn't have.  Water began to pool in places and within days, began to drain over the edges of the tub - creating a waterfall effect onto the floor.

Called plumber back, met at the home, assessed the bathroom issue and concluded that the tub must come out.  A top of the line model is what is needed to sustain this family.  Again, back on the phone, talking to tub reps, Home Depot managers, UPS delivery, and plumber.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I ordered the tub that came by recommendation - as Home Depot does not carry a tub of that size in their store front, but they do sell it online.  I order the tub and schedule the plumber for today (Wednesday). I met him there at 9am, he took out the surround, took out the tub, through it all in the dumpster that is now on the driveway and went to get the new tub.  He and his co-worker bring it in, get into the bathroom and shout my name.  "It's backwards.  The drain is on the wrong side.  We need a right hand tub and this is a left hand tub."

Back on the phone. Plumber makes calls to all his contacts.  "Is there anyway to get a 32" tub here today?" is the question of the hour and he and I pass each other up in our paces of the floor. 

It is concluded that I need to go into Home Depot and have a meeting with the Store Manager.  A bit of face to face time.  A bit of time that I can not afford.  The 2 year old has not napped all day, has not had a decent lunch and is now going with me to a meeting of sorts.

Sitting down for 40 minutes, the Manager and I find out that Home Depot Online does not sell a RH Tub, but only a left hand one.  The right hand tub has to be special ordered and no, they can not express deliver it because it is too big.  It will take an additional 12 days for delivery.

I left defeated.  tears in my eyes.  This family now has no tub in their bathroom.  No shower for 12 days. 

This is not how the picture was to look like 7 months ago.  Why is this room giving me such constant issue?  When I have that answer, I will share it with you.

Thanks for listening.
http://davidplaisted.bbnow.org/

Counting My Days

The weight of my shoulder rests upon the window pane.  I hold in my hands a fresh cup of coffee and the steam makes quick designs upon the glass.  The glittering snow glides down to it's frozen placement and sparkles it's arrival.  I hear the spinning wheels of the mailman mark his way from top to bottom of our residential home...stopping at each mail box, crunching snow beneath it's weighty figure. 

My eyes squint as the sunset hits and the hues of orange and red add splendor to the winter scene. 

My side gets more heavy as I reminisce of just weeks ago; body sprawled on the driveway, sun on my face, toddler on his bike, perhaps a glass of red wine by my side.  This is no longer, and the melody of that day softly stays and sings within.

Winter covers.  It does not negotiate.  It blankets all the wrong and mistakes made and forgives.  There are days when one feels Winter harbors a grudge against you as your slip, slide, shiver and shake your way through the day.  I try to make peace with it - but maybe like a child who knows she has done wrong in the eyes of the parent, i often steer clear of it's path.

I have experienced 18 winters.  The lack of welcoming in the season should have eased with time and yet, I stand at the window - contemplative and questioning how these following days, weeks and months will be numbered until I am back out in the beauty and warmth of it's melt.

The Majesty of it's white coat is here and should be marveled and revered, from the inside of a warmed pane and coffee in my grip.

Thanks for listening

A Furnace Story

A month ago, John and I decided that it was in Joy's best interest to be on the Home Service Plus Plan.  I told her that it would be our Christmas gift to her (laugh).  In that, I had scheduled a maintenance check on her furnace for Nov. 30th.  Being familiar with Joy's karma at the moment, it seemed necessary to get a clean bill of health for her furnace.

8:15am Centerpoint Energy walks into the house. 8:25, the representative was out in his truck calling into his supervisor. He came back into the house, and red-tagged Joy's furnace, deeming it to dangerous to operate. I arrived at the house after Joy's text arrived on my phone telling me not to come - as the furnace is now off.  Joy was informed that the earliest she could get a new furnace was early next week (Monday, December 5).

I went home, made some calls as another friend sent over her handy man to assess the situation.  A new furnace - this was to equal thousands of dollars.

I remembered having a conversation with a friend who worked with Community Action.  I called them, left messages, sat on hold, etc.  By day's end, I had spoken to a person who had Joy's file in front of her -- as Joy qualified for Energy Assistance, they had a file on her.  She promised to put it on the desk of her supervisor to look at in the morning.  In the mean time, I ran over two space heaters, one for a bedroom and one to keep the house Water Well pipes  from freezing over night.

Thursday morning, I call first thing - trying not to be in the long line of those who also need attention.  The same game - on hold, messages left, and by mid afternoon, I spoke to the supervisor who in turn wanted to get a hold of Joy.  Joy rarely answers her phone - so i immediately texted her, "Pick up phone when it rings." 

Jennifer told Joy that Friday, she will have someone out there to assess the furnace.  Friday morning 8:30, a man came in and immediately walked out.  He could not work on the furnace, but would let Joy know of the plan later in the afternoon.

9:00 - a team from a furnace company came, knocked on the door, went downstairs and began to dismantle Joy's furnace.  by 10:30, they were bringing a new one in.  Both Joy and I were baffled by how this communication came about.  Joy called Jennifer, who's voicemail said she would be in meetings all day, and talked to the furnace guys - no one could say where the communication came from.

Joy finally talked to Jennifer who told her that all receipts will be invoiced directly through Community Action and Joy will not have to pay a dime for her new Energy Efficient furnace from Centraire.  at 4pm, Friday, Joy texted me to say that it was 62 degrees and feeling like a heatwave.

So, that is my furnace story.  Something that was supposed to take 6 days to even begin was all said and done with in a matter of 48 hours. 

Thanks for listening

Insignificant Obsession

Again, not sure why the title.  it just came out.

I need to write - but questioning each letter pressed, each word formed, each sentence misunderstood.

Sometimes i want something so desperately and i begin to climb that mountain to attain for which is sought - but each time i look up, i seem to see the faces of those who already have climbed before me - standing strong with hands held high and i tend to lose momentum.

This blog, once again, will circle around grief.  I am finding misplacement ---- is that a word?  I see what I want to do, where I want to be in the picture, where I want joy to be --- but this is a losing battle, for it is not my world; it is hers.  But I have been strongly invited in as a guest.

To see where others that match me in this world have done within their own journey makes me highly question mine.

The benefit raised, from beginning to end, something close to 7,000.00.  I am not pleased with this number, for I have observed what others have done in the same circumstance.  But again, it is not my world to make the decisions.  I am the outsider, not the one who is living within this agony.  So, I step up time and time again.  What can I do?  How can I fix it? Where is a need to be met and I will meet it.  But I have to search and to ask and in the interim, i read and research - which bascially means that my whole damn existence is entrenched in other people's grief and their words of loss and their shattered livlihoods.

Some get up and bake every morning  Some escape to other countries to find peace.  Others are incredibly pro active and begin foundations and host galas and create 5k runs to raise awareness of this or that.  I sit down at 8:48pm and read those blogs.

I send out emails to those assumingly close.  Let's DO something, I say.  Let's light a fire and make this life worth living!  Let's plan, Let's execute.  Help me help them.  The door continuallly closes in my face and defeats me on that mountain. 

So, tonight, I am feeling sorry for myself.  I am feeling the loss of what I could do if i were on the other side of that door.  I am feeling anxious of my shortcomings.  We are veering on 9 months. 

I told Joy the other day, what would her life look like if she were not tossed and turned and toiled under from every wave that hits and smacks her down.  How much would she have been able to grow....  I feel akin to these feelings.  What could have been done if doors opened. 

I will close this blog and continue to read the others that hold a space upon my desk top.  I will read about Liz or Mikey, Kalylee or Thomas and their lives that ended to abruptly.  I will listen to the one who grieves and suvives them and I will try to keep climbing that mountain....but it really isn't mine to climb.  My job is to keep hold of the safety net below and encourage those who are in need of climbing.

Thanks for listening

Week In Pictures

MONDAY - Trains on the floor with Sidney


TUESDAY - Teaching myself about well pressure to help a friend fix her house well


WEDNESDAY - quick mayhem: piano practice in one room. Guitar practice in another. Two year old throwing blanket over my head. Quizzing daughter on spelling words


THURSDAY - evening out with a friend


FRIDAY - 14 year old had a party at our house. This is before the friends came

post

My fingers tap at the keyboard.  I sit with friend's handmade blanket wrapped about and the laptop rests upon the soft yarn.  I opened up to find discovery tonight - to see if i open up the cognitive senses, if something will take place or transpire into a significant or noteworthy marker in this ticking clock spectrum.

There is a rhythm to my writing - i am not sure i understand how it works or how it comes across as something real.  There is mandolin symphony playing and singing softly - filling in this rhythm with it's cadence.

I have had a desire to fill my life.  Of course, I will grow old and gray and say things like, "I could have been this."  "I wish I was that."  It is hard to live the life of a Pessimist.  "I could have been a whistle, I could have been a flute. I real life giver, could have been a boot.'  I think i like to say at the end of the day that i tried my best to be something....but then measure to those about and insignificance comes along side and cozies right in.

So, even though my life is in full swing of transition at the moment, i can sit in response and say i am fulfilled; but I am always looking for more.  If I swam the English Channel, I would measure myself up against the others who did the same; instead of basking in the flow of placement.  I am not sure where this comes from.   Trying to find moments.

Sitting on the couch, music playing, SNL in the background, and no worries and yet I still try to measure up.  I like to keep my issues close at hand.  I think i need to go out and dance; get lost within the drone - - but for now, i shall simply go and rest my head and be thankful.

Thanks for listening.

Russian Federation

Hello! This is the only way i know how to post to you.  I am curious about the person who visits my blog from the Russian Federation as well as Moscow.  Can you let me know who you are?  I love seeing that you come to visit, i would like to know more about you.
Thank you,
Katie

Words

Dependence....Reliance.... Trust....Confidence.....Expectation.......Support....Responsibility

I take in these words, write them down, concentrate upon them and reflect in the significance of each. I hesitate in each meaning and wonder in responsibility. This blog is turning into something else. It is becoming a place for me to place my heart for a few minutes before I collect it and put it back in its place. A decision to shed the awareness of thought within my present and understanding....feeling an established and guided placement of direction.

But question. Always in question.

How much do you give of yourself?
When does giving become harmful?
If you don't feel compromised, but see question in the eyes of others, do you mark their worth?
When should you let others be and when should you step in for their lack thereof?
Is Doing Your Best....actually, doing your best?
Is it detrimental to follow your heart?

There are many days when my calendar dictates the care of two active families. This has become a part of me; a true part of who I am, even how I define myself from time to time. How decisions are made.  I am following the tide that God has allowed for me and smile when i actively see transition. But I have to take in those momentary breathes of pause, sit, be still and question.

Coldplay Song --- playing it over and over again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI-o25K6B-E&ob=av2e

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I


Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face


And I


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you


8 Months - Today...it has been 8 months

She has experienced those days that give her a glimpse of what light shining on her really feels like. She laughs in this light and it brings a lilt to her step – but then, without notice, the door slams in her face and she is lost in the darkness once again. There is little to feed her when this happens, but she is faithful and looks for that light to come again. She knows it will; but the endurance at times is unbearable. But…it is there.

In 8 months, she has had to change and move on without David – as much as she has hesitated, regretted or felt powerless in the process. She has allowed me to come into her life in a way that would never be allowed before; this has been a very conscious choice for only her David has been closer. She holds 2 jobs and conquers a ‘Things to Do’ list that never would hold such urgency 8 months ago – but this list keeps her mind busy and her body from crumbling.

I wonder….if David walked through his front door today, would he even recognize this wife of his; this woman who is in constant redefinition. She has phenomenal strength and exceptional tenacity that provide an unmatched strength to her children.  She proves to her children strength beyond measure, a muscle, a force, a potency.

In 8 months, she has not compromised the ideals and values of her family. As difficult as it has been, she has lead a life of grace and integrity and has been determined to not be compromised. At times, she feels embarrassed to the grieving widow. People do not know how to approach her, grieve with her, or walk along the path of this journey.

In 8 months, she has surpassed her grieving peers.  When comparing to others within this time continuum, she is leaps and bounds above where they are at - and  yet, those around are often perplexed that she is not 'moved on.'  I sometimes tell her that she is climbing Mt. Everest and passing those around her without an even wearing an oxygen tank.

She amazes me, astonishes me and surprises me. More people should have the privilege of knowing her.

Those questions will always come and creep up on me when I least expect them.  I look for answers, but at the end of the day, turn to my blog and write.

Thanks for listening.

The Here and Now

Well, there it is.  This is the visual of what was a thought, a guffaw, a moment of impossibility....there it sits. 

15 days .... i am operating within crushed minutes of the here and now. I am operating with lengthy lists, cell phone check offs, scrap paper doodles and a pile of hope that lays at peace behind my sun room couches...soon to take space on a table to be auctioned off.  



The toddler is asleep, the kitchen is finally cleaned of all its stickiness and taunting , the music is on and I have an hour and a half of focused planning time.  SO, there it is.  The power of Be. The power of Maybe. The power of, MAN, What in the WORLD was I thinking???

50 plus items...hardly a dent in the Silent Auction venue.  I feel defeated - knowing that if i had a committee or  assistance, or a "how can I help?" or "what can I do?" it would be so much better. 

When i hand Joy over the $45.20 check after all is said and done - she and I will go spend it on dinner somewhere; taking in deep breathes, laughing at the experience and nodding our heads in agreement.  I gave it my best.  It might have amounted to absolutely nothing, but I gave it my best. 

There it is.

Aside: last week, i went out with a friend of mine whom i had not seen in about a years time.  Around 'dessert" time, she asked for an update on 'that friend of yours who's husband died...."  Before we left the table that evening - two cups of coffee later....we had notes written, a things to do list drafted up, a 'committee' of 1 that was willing to take on any odd job i threw her way.  I was in tears, quietly telling her, Thank you, thank you, thank you.  To see my work added and given direction and new eyes was everything i could ask for.  She has since called twice - crossing off items on her list and wondering what else her 'committee' can take on.  I am blessed by this.  Overwhelmed. And didn't realize the strength and empowerment of a committee of one