Wondering if i am in need of changing my blog title. These experiential days are not necessarily about the life of an Elocutionist. In 5 months, my life has been lifted. God took my by the scruff of my neck and placed me in a role that I can not deny nor ever fathomed. It is emotionally exhaustive, drains me daily, leaves me without fuel to continue at times - but allows me to endure in rhythmic progress. I am able to take care of my family, their activities, and even make a meal from time to time.
It has been 5 months since the passing of David. I feel I am taking on the role of different people - absent people that are no longer in her world. people who actively with complete conscious decided that it was just too hard to be a friend. But I want to be there. She is moving forward, as hard as it is, but she is moving forward.
Am i finding my own balance? not quite yet. I know I will.
Do i want to be here? i *do* want to. more importantly, I am being called to be there.
Has it changed me? More than I thought it would.
Not sure this is appropriate for a blog post - but posting anyway
Written tonight
5 months (August 16, 2011)
It’s been 5 months and you wonder, who really are you without David. Who *are* you? And do you really matter? If it wasn’t for the kids, would you feel that your life was completed?
You relive March 16 over and over again. Trying to fit it all together and answer those what ifs that keep you awake at night. Your life is riddled with questions and rarely do you find peace in the answers.
You are finding that the ebb and flow of grief has a pattern…sometime predictable, but often it storms in out of nowhere, arriving without warning; knocking you off your temporary standing that brought relative comfort.
It has been 5 months and you are realizing that the months can continue to clock on through, and it really doesn’t matter, does it? The loss of David has not eased since that evening. Coping has changed and shifted, but not the feelings. They never will.
You heard rumors and people talking and telling you that with time, things will get easier. You never put hope in this, but there was a potential that was alluring ,at least. But, in 5 months, things have not gotten easier.
You are a stranger in a crowded room. It's Hi how are you and talk, talk, talk but you’re not there. You want to leave because you feel so alone. You used to look for understanding. You used to look for a ‘place’ that didn’t drown you or pull you under. Now, you have given up on expectations.
It’s been 5 months. What is that supposed to look like? Funny, it doesn’t feel much different than last month or the month before that
Who will you be in month 6 or in month 7? Who will you be without David. A reinventing is needed; but this is baffling to think about. Why?
You have a desire to live – if not for you then for your children, but life continues in a fog. You are impressed that you actually get your pants on with the zipper in the front! This is 5 months in. Is any of this going to get better? Your friend, Katie, screams it out as loud as she can, “IS ANY OF THIS GOING TO GET BETTER?”
153 Days tomorrow (according to my calculations)
How often do you even replay March 15th in your mind? Did you have time with your David that evening?
5 months and you have seen the smallness and the pettiness of some people that you never even gave a second thought about. Grief has changed you. Life without David has changed you and you are forcing yourself to live, to face, to continue. One breath, one step, one more prayer.
How can people tell you to look ahead and plan ahead when the outlook is desolate, lonely, dark and unwelcoming. Why would people say those things?
You stumble. How are you to walk and continue when the person who supported you in those steps is now no longer?
5 months:
Can you make it through? YES
WILL you make it through? YES
Will you become stronger? YES
Will you begin to discover yourself in all this? YES
Will you see your friend, Katie, more frequently? YES!
Will you substitute your grief with online late night shopping? Oh, Lord help us if you do!
Will you find the necessary TIME for JOY to spend some time alone? (not in your room) YES!
Will your appetite return? YES
Will your new love for soy mochas wane? NO (I had to put in a no, somewhere…can’t be all color and sparkle)
Will you continue to find daily strength in scripture? YES
Will you be able to conquer this? I HOPE SO….
Love forever
Katie
Monday, August 15, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
It is done
7 days - one bathroom. Tackled and completed. Tomorrow early morning, we leave on vacation. It is 9pm and i have yet to think about packing.
Here are a couple of pics.
BEFORE - with toilet and sink already ripped out
Demo was fun. The clean up was not so much. I went out and bought a couple of masks to wear.
Here are a couple of pics.
BEFORE - with toilet and sink already ripped out
Demo was fun. The clean up was not so much. I went out and bought a couple of masks to wear.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Bathroom Redoux
Again, simply noting a timeline of events - for one day I will forget this ever happened. This blog will help me pass the time when i am old and feeble.
Subject: Remodeling a Friend's Bathroom (Saturday, June 23 - Saturday, June 30)
How I got here: A fund raiser and a new bathroom has always been my goal. Somehow i got sidetracked into redoing the inside of the house as well...not on my first priority.
A husband passed away in his family bathroom 4 months ago. This room had to be changed. The entire visual had to be altered. Family members still need to exist and live in the home. it HAD to change. 3 1/2 months ago, I contacted our local Home Depot, I met with them, I invited them into the home, I met with them again and finally, my friend and I went to the store front and picked out all the new materials that the store was going to donate. We remodeled an entire bathroom within a 10 minute visit. It had to be quick, easy, and unremarkable...and it was.
A month ago, i begin to seek out contractors, plumbers, sheet rockers, anyone and everyone who would be willing to lend a hand. No one. Some people doubted the authenticity of my story; but most simply didn't respond. I began to seek out the wealthiest of the contractors....the ones who do large lake homes. Could they find it within them to concentrate a small amount of time on a tiny bathroom - making a significant impact. Clearly, money was not an issue. These companies could easily afford this. Again, no one....but one. "Katie, we will be very happy to help your friend. tell us when and where to meet and we can discuss the details."
I was happy, elated, gitty with excitement that things were falling into place.
The family was to be gone the last week of July. Perfect timing to get in there and get it done. "By the way, we will have to charge for our labor to get it done for you." I met with them anyway. Thinking, once they see the bathroom, once they hear me out on where this family stands, once they feel that beginning desire of philanthropy -they will accept it. I met with the president of the company. He saw the bathroom but was unimpressed. We went ahead and scheduled a visit with the sheet rocker and plumber. Upon introducing myself, i was surprised that neither knew anything about this family. They were simply there to bid out a paying job. I was as accommodating as possible. Showing this man how meaningful this experience would be to his company. I drove downtown, delivered the specs he requested - giving my time, just as he will give back to this family.
The bids came back with padded amounts from the president of the company. He was going to squeeze out my last penny.
I could afford the sheet rocker, but not the plumber. I got back on the phone. With extended family help, i found one who knows the family, he is donating all his time and he is taking off the week that is needed.
Today, I met with Matt from Home Depot. he drove to the family home, truck loaded up with what it will take to put back together a bathroom. We piled everything into the family's dining room (they leave early tomorrow morning) and I went home - knowing i will be back, bright and early in the morning.
This afternoon, i sat on my couch, logged onto YouTube and watched, "How to take bathroom tile off" "How to break up a cast iron tub." I then went into the garage, took a recycling bin and loaded it with all my materials: hammer, sledge hammer, crow bar, safety goggles, tarp, screw drivers, dust pan, etc, etc.
Saturday Morning: A friend, the plumber and I will convene and begin demolition. Monday, the plumber will do his stuff. Tuesday, the sheet rocker will do his stuff. Thursday and Friday, i will be back in the my friend to paint, lay floor, put in light fixtures, towel bars, etc.
A bathroom redo --- I have no idea......It will be really fun to see how this turns out.
Subject: Remodeling a Friend's Bathroom (Saturday, June 23 - Saturday, June 30)
How I got here: A fund raiser and a new bathroom has always been my goal. Somehow i got sidetracked into redoing the inside of the house as well...not on my first priority.
A husband passed away in his family bathroom 4 months ago. This room had to be changed. The entire visual had to be altered. Family members still need to exist and live in the home. it HAD to change. 3 1/2 months ago, I contacted our local Home Depot, I met with them, I invited them into the home, I met with them again and finally, my friend and I went to the store front and picked out all the new materials that the store was going to donate. We remodeled an entire bathroom within a 10 minute visit. It had to be quick, easy, and unremarkable...and it was.
A month ago, i begin to seek out contractors, plumbers, sheet rockers, anyone and everyone who would be willing to lend a hand. No one. Some people doubted the authenticity of my story; but most simply didn't respond. I began to seek out the wealthiest of the contractors....the ones who do large lake homes. Could they find it within them to concentrate a small amount of time on a tiny bathroom - making a significant impact. Clearly, money was not an issue. These companies could easily afford this. Again, no one....but one. "Katie, we will be very happy to help your friend. tell us when and where to meet and we can discuss the details."
I was happy, elated, gitty with excitement that things were falling into place.
The family was to be gone the last week of July. Perfect timing to get in there and get it done. "By the way, we will have to charge for our labor to get it done for you." I met with them anyway. Thinking, once they see the bathroom, once they hear me out on where this family stands, once they feel that beginning desire of philanthropy -they will accept it. I met with the president of the company. He saw the bathroom but was unimpressed. We went ahead and scheduled a visit with the sheet rocker and plumber. Upon introducing myself, i was surprised that neither knew anything about this family. They were simply there to bid out a paying job. I was as accommodating as possible. Showing this man how meaningful this experience would be to his company. I drove downtown, delivered the specs he requested - giving my time, just as he will give back to this family.
The bids came back with padded amounts from the president of the company. He was going to squeeze out my last penny.
I could afford the sheet rocker, but not the plumber. I got back on the phone. With extended family help, i found one who knows the family, he is donating all his time and he is taking off the week that is needed.
Today, I met with Matt from Home Depot. he drove to the family home, truck loaded up with what it will take to put back together a bathroom. We piled everything into the family's dining room (they leave early tomorrow morning) and I went home - knowing i will be back, bright and early in the morning.
This afternoon, i sat on my couch, logged onto YouTube and watched, "How to take bathroom tile off" "How to break up a cast iron tub." I then went into the garage, took a recycling bin and loaded it with all my materials: hammer, sledge hammer, crow bar, safety goggles, tarp, screw drivers, dust pan, etc, etc.
Saturday Morning: A friend, the plumber and I will convene and begin demolition. Monday, the plumber will do his stuff. Tuesday, the sheet rocker will do his stuff. Thursday and Friday, i will be back in the my friend to paint, lay floor, put in light fixtures, towel bars, etc.
A bathroom redo --- I have no idea......It will be really fun to see how this turns out.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
To My Husband
A chance meeting
an evening dance
became a smile
became a conversation
became a touch.
became a kiss
became a knowing
became a destiny
became a road
And now
everything I always wanted
everything
I always needed
everything
I will always love
is right here
in one incredible man.
Love, Katie
an evening dance
became a smile
became a conversation
became a touch.
became a kiss
became a knowing
became a destiny
became a road
And now
everything I always wanted
everything
I always needed
everything
I will always love
is right here
in one incredible man.
Love, Katie
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
92
It has been 92 days.
In 92 days, she has celebrated 2 birthdays, acknowledged another, made it through an anniversary, a Mother's Day, a hospitalization of her mother, a hospitalization of her father, a death of a family pet, a dance recital, lead a very large conference, a surgery for her father, a family retreat and in 5 days, she will make it through the first Father's Day since the passing of her husband; 92 days ago.
Her closest friends are telling her she has to move on. She has to keep going. They advise her to look at the 'good things.' They do not mention her husband’s name nor acknowledge memories. In 92 days, she has been the solid foundation for her children's grief. In the safeness of their home, they grieve openly and at the end of the day, they unwind after keeping their hearts in control so that others do not remark that daddy is in a better place or to say that children are resilient, or to keep on celebrating the new normal.
In 92 days, she has bagged up all her husband's clothing, gave away the bed they once shared, made a room for herself and has dwindled her husband's life into 7 storage bins. But, they tell her to move on and accept that he is gone.
Each of these 92 days, she has found reason to praise and be thankful. She has made it through every heart wrenching detail on her own. Each of these 92 days, she has proven to her children that yes, they can be resilient, but that does not mean that daddy is forgotten, they are able to all grieve together and still praise God together, and she is still mom and is required to be solid. But they tell her to move on and they show her in ways of abandonment, excusing, redirecting and/or ignoring.
In these past few days, she has questioned herself - the woman who is holding the hands and spirits of her children, she questions if perhaps they are right. Is she supposed to move on, seek a new normal, pack up the 7 tubs, close the door and be done? Is it healthy for her and her children to stifle the memories, the moments, the montage of experience in front of family and friends? Is this what grief is about - after 92 days?
92 days will soon turn into 184 days, 364 days, 728 days, 1456 days and so on. Each of those days, she will continue to build, to exist in this new life, to strengthen the resolve of her children, and to remember the father and the husband that was a part and is a part of them. In 92 days, her husband’s life has been a viable piece to each of them. He is alive to them in so many ways.
People could have learned a great deal from her in these past 92 days.
".....but seeing those seven tubs downstairs. Seven tubs. A man's life reduced to seven plastic tubs. David's life. That is all there is left. All that is here. I know that David's life meant so much more - he touched so many people, reached into their lives, came to where they were at, valued them, comforted them, taught them, lifted them up, led them into God's presence, worshipped God with them. He impacted so many people. I don't want Him to be forgotten. I don't want it come down to seven tubs. My heart cries out. How can a man that great - who touched so many - start to be forgotten so quickly. "
In 92 days, she has celebrated 2 birthdays, acknowledged another, made it through an anniversary, a Mother's Day, a hospitalization of her mother, a hospitalization of her father, a death of a family pet, a dance recital, lead a very large conference, a surgery for her father, a family retreat and in 5 days, she will make it through the first Father's Day since the passing of her husband; 92 days ago.
Her closest friends are telling her she has to move on. She has to keep going. They advise her to look at the 'good things.' They do not mention her husband’s name nor acknowledge memories. In 92 days, she has been the solid foundation for her children's grief. In the safeness of their home, they grieve openly and at the end of the day, they unwind after keeping their hearts in control so that others do not remark that daddy is in a better place or to say that children are resilient, or to keep on celebrating the new normal.
In 92 days, she has bagged up all her husband's clothing, gave away the bed they once shared, made a room for herself and has dwindled her husband's life into 7 storage bins. But, they tell her to move on and accept that he is gone.
Each of these 92 days, she has found reason to praise and be thankful. She has made it through every heart wrenching detail on her own. Each of these 92 days, she has proven to her children that yes, they can be resilient, but that does not mean that daddy is forgotten, they are able to all grieve together and still praise God together, and she is still mom and is required to be solid. But they tell her to move on and they show her in ways of abandonment, excusing, redirecting and/or ignoring.
In these past few days, she has questioned herself - the woman who is holding the hands and spirits of her children, she questions if perhaps they are right. Is she supposed to move on, seek a new normal, pack up the 7 tubs, close the door and be done? Is it healthy for her and her children to stifle the memories, the moments, the montage of experience in front of family and friends? Is this what grief is about - after 92 days?
92 days will soon turn into 184 days, 364 days, 728 days, 1456 days and so on. Each of those days, she will continue to build, to exist in this new life, to strengthen the resolve of her children, and to remember the father and the husband that was a part and is a part of them. In 92 days, her husband’s life has been a viable piece to each of them. He is alive to them in so many ways.
People could have learned a great deal from her in these past 92 days.
".....but seeing those seven tubs downstairs. Seven tubs. A man's life reduced to seven plastic tubs. David's life. That is all there is left. All that is here. I know that David's life meant so much more - he touched so many people, reached into their lives, came to where they were at, valued them, comforted them, taught them, lifted them up, led them into God's presence, worshipped God with them. He impacted so many people. I don't want Him to be forgotten. I don't want it come down to seven tubs. My heart cries out. How can a man that great - who touched so many - start to be forgotten so quickly. "
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Holding on Tightly
I have come to this conclusion - I am clinging to something that is slipping through my fingers. I have not figured this out until now - on the 14 year of my child's birth. I am not controlling, I am holding. It is no doubt that I have struggled hard with this child; but during these past summer weeks, I have discovered that it takes much energy to even be pleasant with him. Conversation comes out as orders or directions or advisement rather than something surrounded by love and respect. Our confused paths of interpretation often lead to embattled conclusion.
This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement. The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left. I laugh thinking that conversations are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this. Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving. Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door. So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!
This morning, as he is still asleep, i begin to think back and read past postings and journal entries from this yearly acknowledgement. The 'innocence' of those postings are long gone and I know I am clinging hard to the spec of time I have left. I laugh thinking that conversations are still surrounded on whether he has on matching socks, if he has said his please and thank yous, if his shirt is cleaned or not --but daily, my words come out wrong-i need to work on this. Added to these topics are conversations on character, work ethic, bearing responsibility, being respectful to others, knowing who you are, giving of yourself, helping, volunteering, loving. Our twisted discussions are on intuitiveness, knowing a path, pride, happiness within yourself and many others -- but they are all me, his mom, preparing him to walk out that door. So, it comes out wrong - there is an edginess to my tone but now realizing that I am simply crying on the inside that this baby of mine is now old enough to know and I am holding on tightly; when truth be told, i need to let go~!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Road Less Traveled
This is an overly used title and for that matter, so it the phrase...I am having difficulty lately with titles, i suppose. I am also having incredible difficulty of navigating the road I am on. I am not sure whom to listen to, whom to advise, whom to walk away from, and whom to cut ties with. I have chosen this road, this is clear. I saw it and without even looking at the map ahead, I stepped on blindly and began my journey. I have written about this quite a few times, whether it be on my blog, in my journals or on napkins at coffee shops - laugh.
I have taken the Road Less Traveled and on this path, i have met with many faulty characters - characters in costume that believe they are able to walk the same walk. On the same road, there have been exemplary experiences, honored individuals, and confounding views. I have been educated along the way and have harnessed a knowledge that was not within sight before.
Today, I question the reason for these other 'players' I cross paths during this walk. Why are they there? Why do they show such hypocrisy when this road does not allow for such character? I know this does not all belong to me and I am never to say I am not at fault; but the blatancy of such acts has me questions their presence.
I simply need to get this in writing - that is all. To cast it to the wind and to be no more. But I have to be honest when I say I want to scream and shout, "Get off the road!"
I am not sure how this comes across. I am troubled. That is all. Troubled that there are people out there who jump out in this path i am taking and challenge me with great insincerity, blindness and hypocrisy.
I have taken the Road Less Traveled and on this path, i have met with many faulty characters - characters in costume that believe they are able to walk the same walk. On the same road, there have been exemplary experiences, honored individuals, and confounding views. I have been educated along the way and have harnessed a knowledge that was not within sight before.
Today, I question the reason for these other 'players' I cross paths during this walk. Why are they there? Why do they show such hypocrisy when this road does not allow for such character? I know this does not all belong to me and I am never to say I am not at fault; but the blatancy of such acts has me questions their presence.
I simply need to get this in writing - that is all. To cast it to the wind and to be no more. But I have to be honest when I say I want to scream and shout, "Get off the road!"
I am not sure how this comes across. I am troubled. That is all. Troubled that there are people out there who jump out in this path i am taking and challenge me with great insincerity, blindness and hypocrisy.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsiDukXIeVY
It Started.....
It started with a dance, an examination, an impression of bewilderment and it has risen from those beginnings into something adoring, cemented, breath taking, uncharted and completely guided by a Third Party.
It started with a phone call, an email, a thought, a mention of a name and it is now charged in connection that has been sparked by a mere moment.
It started in the dark and in the quiet of the evening when tears fell hard and never ceased to stop. It has now transformed the two of us and the light is prevalent, guiding our days with flashes of blessings and gratefulness.
It started with wonderment, mystery, and ambiguity and has transformed me.
It started with a song, a dance, a memory, a phone call, a desire to be, to hold, to cry, to follow....
It is......
It is something I am called to be
It is something powerful and effortless
It is something that has become everything to me
It is something that makes me sing, dance, proclaim, praise, search, shout, weep, and bow in grace.
I stop and i find stillness in this - in this ....which started from a dance.
It Started.....
It started with a dance, an examination, an impression of bewilderment and it has risen from those beginnings into something adoring, cemented, breath taking, uncharted and completely guided by a Third Party.
It started with a phone call, an email, a thought, a mention of a name and it is now charged in connection that has been sparked by a mere moment.
It started in the dark and in the quiet of the evening when tears fell hard and never ceased to stop. It has now transformed the two of us and the light is prevalent, guiding our days with flashes of blessings and gratefulness.
It started with wonderment, mystery, and ambiguity and has transformed me.
It started with a song, a dance, a memory, a phone call, a desire to be, to hold, to cry, to follow....
It is......
It is something I am called to be
It is something powerful and effortless
It is something that has become everything to me
It is something that makes me sing, dance, proclaim, praise, search, shout, weep, and bow in grace.
I stop and i find stillness in this - in this ....which started from a dance.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Change in Tide
It's a lame title, i know --- but i am finding that the phrase, "Older and Wiser" holds much merit. I am getting older - i feel it in every capacity and my dialogue reflects that of which i used to make fun. Please indulge in this somewhat LONG train of thought in this post this evening.
Older and Wiser
1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating. I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.' ...... John and I rarely fight any more. I am no longer needing to be 'understood.' I am just not that 'complex' anymore. I have 'Wised Up.'
2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs. "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!" "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away." "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Old people, that's who. I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.
3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now. I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks.
4. Friendships: I have always kept few but close friends. I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content. I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end. I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.' This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.
5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days. I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche.
6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?" There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled. I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.
7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident. I think what is more evident is my adaptation. I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before. This is something that is remarkable to me. I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children. They are not there yet. Knowledge to them is not treasured. It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.
8. Money: Money's importance is on the future. The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.
9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening. Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.
Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
Abraham Lincoln
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne
Thanks for listening.
Older and Wiser
1. In my 30s, i used to get really upset that my husband did not treat me like we were dating. I would get really upset that he no longer sent me love notes or called me on the phone to just 'talk.' ...... John and I rarely fight any more. I am no longer needing to be 'understood.' I am just not that 'complex' anymore. I have 'Wised Up.'
2. In conversation with complete strangers, we compare aging signs. "I used to be able to see clearly and read the numbers on my cell phone!" "Oh, that kind of food gives me heartburn." "If you just use a bit of lemon juice, those aging spots will fade away." "I use _____ lotion, It's great for 'Mature' skin." WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Old people, that's who. I am older and i now find myself in these conversations.
3. My tolerance (intolerance) is more evident now. I am polite to the core, but because I am wiser now, i do not have time for idle conversation or menial tasks.
4. Friendships: I have always kept few but close friends. I never have surrounded myself with crowds of people and I thrived on getting to know people one on one rather than in a group culture. I am beginning to really take assessment of those close to me and as i grow, making adjustments to where I can simply be content. I no longer feel it necessary to put in the work in a relationship if it is a means to an end. I am becoming judgemental in this area but have also experienced a revelation in my 'older years.' This is not to say that I am willing to cast all those aside; but a change and direction is evident and i am honoring the course.
5. Marriage: Even though we are years away, I am visualizing the "Empty Nest" days. I am envisioning some very quiet days ahead with my husband of 10 words a day and he is envisioning road trips in his convertible Porsche.
6. Significance: I am reaching the age where you look back and ask, "Was my life significant?" There *should* be at least 5 items that pop into your brain automatically to help you feel settled. I think I can say that I am there -- although, I look into the coming years and know that there is much life ahead of me and even more significant times are coming.
7. Adaptation: Although a couple numbers back, i stated that my tolerance was evident. I think what is more evident is my adaptation. I am growing and adapting and have a willingness to learn more than ever before. This is something that is remarkable to me. I want to know as much as I can -- I want to fill this aging brain with information that will add to my character and conversation. It is hard to not *see* this in my maturing children. They are not there yet. Knowledge to them is not treasured. It is a chore and a responsibility. There is forgiveness simply because they are not yet older and wiser.
8. Money: Money's importance is on the future. The here and now is available, but the concentration is on the years to come.
9. to be filled as i think of more -- but see, it is 11pm at the moment and this aging person must say good night for the evening. Gone are the days of just starting the evening at 11pm. Now sentences like, "Are you going to stay up much longer?" and "I'll see you in bed....g'night" are the standard.
Quotes that assist me in this uncharted terrain:
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.
Abraham Lincoln
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. Ludwig Borne
Thanks for listening.
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