God Calling

Upon my bookcase is a book that my mother handed down to me --- or maybe i simply took it from her before I moved to Minnesota. 

During this time of grief, i have looked to it on occasion - and ironically, i have looked to an odd bank sign, which i have made mention before, i believe, for guidance and wisdom.  I find this uniquely cool.

Last night, late into the evening, I had my friend's two oldest boys here.  Her daughter is in the throws of ballet performances and these boys really do not care to sit through the dances of all the other girls, nor to they feel comfortable in their empty home.  Whereas most teenage boys would jump at the chance to have the house to themselves, these boys only see the loss of someone who should be taking up it's space.

So, they sat on my couch and watched a movie with my children and as they watched, I sat at my computer to draft up my daily email to my friend.  Tonight, I took out my book - God Calling.  Knowing I have hit a hard part in this journey with her, she is encouraging me to slow down a bit.  But, if there was a visual, she would be saying yes, while shaking her head no.  

I ended her email with the passage from this book.  Thank you for listening.

The Divine Third


When I have led you through these storms there will be other words for you, other messages - other guidance.

So deep is your friendship and so great your desire to love and follow and serve Me that soon, when this time of difficulty is over, to be alone together will always mean to be shut in with Me.

There are few friendships in the world like that and yet I taught, when on earth, as I have you both, the power of the two together.

And now tonight I have more to say to you. I say that the time is coming, is even now here, when those who visit you two together will know that I am the Divine Third in your friendship.

Mile 6

It already seems many moons ago that I ran a half marathon.  I trained for months in preparation.  I think it was around mile 6 when I began to break down.  My pace slowed down, my mindset was altered and doubt predictably seeped into deep places within, but it stopped at my core; for it was impenetrable.  By mile 7, a song by Coldplay came on my MP3 player and during that mile, i remember dancing as i ran.  Dancing!  I had less than half way to go and moving and dancing kept me strong.  My core was untouched and it gave me the required strength to persevere and continue with something I wanted.  Something that was meant for me.

Metaphorically speaking, I am at Mile 6 in my life with little or no preparation at this time.  I did not realize this until late yesterday.  I began to break down, my mindset was altered and doubt predictably seeped into deep places within.  This metamorphosis took the shape of tears.  I could not get through a, "How are you?" "How are you feeling" and the biggest breakdown came when a friend asked me, "How are you being filled?"  Yes, I am at mile 6.  But this is not a physical undertaking, it is emotional. Mile 7 will come soon enough and I have already seen glimpses of the dance to come.  But right now, my feet are sore, my spirit is drained and i am ...... i am.......i am still present.
Thank you for listening.

Something about Motherhood

Thursday, May 12 is the last meeting for the Home School Co-op that I help direct.  In arranging the agenda for the meeting, I was looking for something to read to the other women who will be in attendance.  I was unlucky and decided to write something myself.

Here is that something...not yet edited.  I need to let it sit a day before reading it again.
_______________________________
When looking for something inspirational to share at tonight’s meeting --- because that is what it is all about to me; leaving inspired, leaving energized, leaving with unmitigated contentment that I am right where I should be; I began to look around my bookcase for something to stick out, I began to Google, “Inspirational Words About Mom” and after so many poems about mothers and blue birds singing, I decided to write something myself. Thank you for indulging.


Mothers:

We all know how we want to be, how we want to be perceived, how we want to be like the others who keep their cool in the worst of times. But, little do we know that others are looking at us, having the exact same thought.

How can we even begin to try to capture what it means to be a mother, both in the most daily mundane and ordinary ways, and in the deepest parts of ourselves? How can we present some sort of truth about bearing and caring for children, when that takes place wordlessly inside the center of our soul?

When I gave birth to my now almost 14 year old, who stands a good inch taller than me and wears size 11 shoe; I declared to the world that my son would never know anger. Motherhood is one of those things that is totally impossible to visualize until you are in it. Until you have cleaned the spit up off your shirt, while simultaneously putting your daughter’s hair in a pony, while telling the person on the phone that you WILL be bringing the treats to the T-Ball game, while staring down your oldest, showing great disdain for his most recent and inappropriate behavior.

Yes, you think it will be a certain way – you will have infinite patience, you won’t yell, you’ll sit on the floor for hours, reading to your quiet lovelies, and you will buy organic spaghettios, but motherhood is all about turning your world upside down. Who coined the phrase, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water?” Was it a frazzled mother?

In this room, there is only us. Mothers to God’s incredible handpicked gifts. We are so lucky! We are mother’s who feel and love and who do the best we can, struggling and laughing more than we thought we would, and yelling and learning and regressing and pleading, sometimes crying out in frustration and then, a little later, in gratitude for the blessing of being mothers.

I want to thank you for being here tonight. Thank you for carving out the time that is knowingly so hard to come by. Thank you for sharing your story of being a mom. Thank you for continuing to be a fervent supporter for the woman to your left, the woman to your right and the woman who isn’t able to be here this evening.

I close with a quote that does not necessarily tie this essay into a neat little package – like I was hoping for, but this quote struck me and I was moved to share it.

“Having a child is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Change is Inevitable

Sometimes when change happens, the reaction is a simple, "Well, I didn't see that coming."  Sometimes, we don't even notice it.  Other times, we sit and wait for it. Change is inevitable they say. It is constant.

I watch change within the human condition.  I watch it slowly ripple from it's dawn.
"It's beginning to change, isn't it?" I ask of a friend - feeling our conversation akin to something Pooh Bear and Piglet might share.  "Yes. Change is inevitable." 

Our sight is keen to this change. This progression.  This affect of instinctive human form.  We write about the change we see; in a quickened pace, they might look back and all looks okay.  From a distance, the visual is blurred and changed and the mind's image is altered.

We watch the continuum of condition and smile at our novelty.

We will change - slower than the rest, but we will change.  Our lives have been brought together and i gently nudge my friend to continue...for change is inevitable.......they say.

The Reward of Lying?

this afternoon, i eagerly swept up my baby, danced a bit and was moved enough to even visit the teenager's room.  when these moments come, i pounce upon them and they do not slip away easily - for at 4:30 in the afternoon, when i am on my last rung of patience, these moments are fleeting.

knock-knock-knock

i am greeted by a peering eye around the door as he slowly opens it up to the designated crack.  "ya," he says.  i invite myself into the room - glowing lights blink in rhythm on the floor, the music is loud and he looks at me skeptically. "what are you doing?" i inquire. "relaxing," came the response.  he jumps upon his bed - the lounge chair and ottoman sitting upon the bed slats and the mattress draped over - making a very raised bed.

my eyes peruse the room.  "you were dancing." "relaxing," again came the response.  he demonstrates laying upon his bed.  "dancing." "no, relaxing. like this," he demonstrates again.

it's a minor mistruth - but considering the time, and my patience, i slowly turn, close the door and walk upstairs.  no more words.

moments later, the teenager walks upstairs. "mom, what are we having for dinner?"  "lobster."  "lobster? really? since when do we have lobster?" no words.

the teenager begins to get hungry and inquires about the lobster dinner. "yep, we're having lobster tonight. it's in the oven" an examination proves that there is no lobster in the oven.  no words. he leaves.

I feed the baby. i get out 'fixings' to eat when others are hungry.  changing the baby into pajamas, the teenager appears. "mom, as a way of apolo-i-gi-zation, i would like to babysit sidney tonight while you go out to the coffee shop and relax.

thanks for listening

Daybook Time

While the baby drifts off to sleep in his nice clean bedding (we have been without a washing machine for close to a week....which brings pause...technology, advancements, dependency), Lucy and I sit across eachother, listening to music and journaling for 15 minutes.  She is supposed to be writing about her perfect summer day; as we stare out the window with the rain and cloud cover. 

I will use this time to my advantage to update the Avensons

Sidney: This will be a challenging summer.  He has fallen twice in the past two days and has two separate bumps on his forehead.  He had me take his small little bike up our grass hill, he sat upon it and if I did not stop him, he would have simply rode down the hill - full speed ahead.  Seeing his brothers ripstick, he has also placed two feet upon his bike seat and tried to glide down the driveway. I have also had to search high and low for him - as he is prone to opening the deck door, closing it behind him and taking a walk around the house.  This will be a challenging summer.

Lucy: She is head strong into soccer.  We have placed her into a competitive soccer league for a number of reasons, but most of all, to get her spirit back in tact. She is in great need of claiming something for herself and having to work hard for something.  She says that practices are, "Just okay," but I have already seen a rise in confidence in her.  She walks with an encouraging step.  It will be busy, no doubt.  But, we have three months of this intense session and then we can take a break and get ready for the lessened Fall Soccer through our community ed program.

Simon: Is doing so over the top fantastically well at his school.  He auditioned for a "By Invitation Only" piano play for the Spring Arts Festival and was accepted.  He is in the gifted reading program - reading great books, completing high level assignments, and participating in Literature Circles with like minded peers. He is in the advanced math class and being challenged there as well. He is working through his recess time with some peers on a Lego Animation project to present to the class.  They are working with the Technology advisor in the school.  BUT - most importantly, he has gained trust and knowledge of who he is.  He is aligning himself with stable kids and being able to distinguish between the group he does not want to be a part of and the class of kids he wants to stand shoulder to shoulder with.  He will say things like, "The 'popular' kids just don't know who they are....i feel sorry for them."

Perry: For the very first time, he has outstanding grades mid quarter.  We have not fought once during these last 2.5 months in regards to his grades.  He even has an A- in English...the class he hates. We still go round and round with his head strong nature and his obvious disregard for his siblings from time to time.  But, we are at a good place at the moment and I am clinging to that for the time being.  He has decided to give up piano - which i am not happy about, but he wants to pursue guitar.  I can honor that.

I have been told that it is Read Aloud time. We are reading the second book of Toby Alone:  Toby and the Secrets of the Tree. A lively culture of minuture people living and surving within a tree.

In and Out.....In and Out

My kids are noticing now when I breath.  Deep breath in....exhale out.  There are days when these significant breaths are more frequent than others. 

"....I feel David’s grace.  I hear his words and his teachings through my encounters with his parishioners. They seep in me and take hold.  Deep breath in….exhale out. I stare blankly at this cursor without clear direction to take and I see you."

I have been walking a journey with a friend.  I am writing a book for her.  I will present it when a year is over and she has walked through many miles upon an uncharted road.

I think of her present and the noticed breathes come and go - in the car, walking down the hall, sitting quietly at night, typing on my keyboard.

"You give me space yet you gently push me.  Thank you!   I love you."

This is a groundbreaking relationship.  I will not fade with the meal plan. Through writings, I am visually putting together something that has been shattered...taking one deep breath in at a time.

Thank you for listening


 

and then there was one...

my days are different. I now have one school aged child home. just the two of us. The energy has shifted from one who wanted to be challenged and busy to one who would rather stay in pajamas all day and play on the IPad. Perhaps, in any sense of the word, we are in mourning. I have yet to seize the opportunity of one child. I stared off strong with stellar ideals and practices, but the excitement has waned and potential has ceased. I, too, think of staying in my pajamas all day and an effervescence has been dwindled to a mediocre fizz.

We will climb back on top, but at the moment, there is no appetite of either party. Our beginning was greatly compromised by outside responsibilities and commitments. She spent a week either in the car or at home by herself. This was my fault, but a friend was in great need and calling for my presence.

So, there is now one child. The academic schedule sits in front of her. As I write, she is supposed to be mimicking activity, but i look across and see her play with the cat and stare out the window. It is nearing the 1:00 hour and her light load should be done, my part in her day should be over - but the baby will wake, the brothers will come home, and we will still be sitting at the table working on something 'taxing' that will ultimately bring her to tears.

When and if the weather turns and welcomes our souls to the outside, we will gain momentum again. Now...it just seems too tedious at times. I wonder if i felt this way when it was just Perry and I. He and Lucy would have been the same age...4th grade. How did it work?

18 strangers

18

Today, I have to write. These moments have to take a place somewhere and they are not to be dismissed. The power of people and their willingness of generosity are exemplary and it has to be noted. Some doors close and others open and I am humbled again by possibility.

Today was the birthday for a 16 year old boy. He has been into computers for quite some time and the other evening, I could not get a word in edge wise (is that the saying?) because he went on and on about his computer. It was an outdated computer that ultimately crashes on him whenever he tries to get deep into a program. I left that evening with no particular lasting impression of his crashing computer.

Yesterday, my mind was on the inevitable celebration of his 16 years of life. This will be the first one of many spent without his father. Discussing ideas with his mom, we thought that she could give her son the job of putting YouTube videos together of his dad’s music. He would not be able to do this with his current technology – or lack thereof.
10am Sunday: I begin making phone calls and sending emails to any computer store around; asking for a significant donation. The answer was no.

1:00pm: I get this brave idea. I certainly cannot purchase a new laptop, but perhaps, with the willingness of my neighbors, something can be done. I send out an email and have the kids go door to door with flyers and talk about this awesome opportunity of a gift. “For 20.00, you can help pay for a new laptop computer for this 16 year olds birthday.” This will be a lasting gift – something he can use to ‘get away from it all’ as well as immerse himself into his father’s worship music and make it public for other’s to listen to. I sent some additional emails off to family members and close friends.

10:am Monday: Lucy and I go to Best Buy and purchase a brand lap top computer. Each of the given 20.00 added up to a nice sum of money and I was able to get it completely updated by the Geek Squad as well for half price.

10:40am: Arrive at the birthday house! Gift in hand. A lasting impression.

10:41am: My heart swells for the umpteenth time!