Back in the Game?

Well, maybe. It is beginning to feel like such. I am AT A COFFEE SHOP, PLANNING!! Well, actually, I am writing in my blog - but i am planning, nonetheless. My breathing is not as significantly binding and I am assuming after tomorrow comes and goes, it will be back to normal.

Odd Updates in no particular order

1. Simon: Recovering slowly from his ear surgery. I think this one has been the most significant and hopefully, will yield the best results. I think he is enjoying being a patient and getting doted on by his mother.

2. Daddy's T-Shirt Night: I am not sure why this is making the list; and I am positive I have written about it before. To remind: At the age of 4, Perry initiated what would become a long standing weekly tradition, "Daddy's T-Shirt Night." each and every friday, he and Simon dressed up in John's t-shirts, went to bed an hour early (to play) and spent the night together. When Lucy was old enough to join, they all slept together. The pictures above are from 5 years ago, when often, john's t-shirts where not necessarily apart of the evening, but the hour early and the laughing and goofing around, was prominent (do you see gato, the cat, in the mix?) I have a picture somewhere, and I can't find it, of a couple of months ago, probably at the beginning of summer, and I am certain this captured the last of the "Daddy T-Shirt Nights." The allure has waned and it has still been Perry rallying his brother and sister into just "One more Daddy's T-Shirt Night." About a year or so ago, Simon was the first one to say no to this group get together and Lucy at times, came out of whatever room they took over, saying her brothers were mean to her and she was sleeping in her own bed. The innocent laughter and goofy-ness had been replaced by a specific agenda of how the night would go. This is a tradition that I sadly say good-bye too. It was unique to our family, we called it our own and actually, John and I got an extra hour to spend together each Friday night as the kids went down early.

Perry: growing, growing, growing in all capacities - but what teenager doesn't. I sat in the living room this morning with my coffee while all slept. I recited in my head the "I'll Love You Forever" book. I think i know it by heart and began to cry.

The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

This is our journey.

Lucy: I am worried. If brave enough, i will be researching and actively seeking advise on some form of pediatric anxiety or panic disorder. She has many signs and I am quite hesitant for I am sure it will lead to some type of drug regime. Perhaps it is our relationship - but i see this in other avenues as well. I wish only success for my baby --- success in her world. Trembling, shaken and uncertain at this time. But as always, she has my back. She is alert, cognizant, often times a 'know it all' and at times, throws me these glances akin to, "Mom, can you believe these guys? and we have to *live* with them?"

Sidney: cute story to share about this boy sharing his 18 month of glorious adventure. Last week, he was playing on the keyboard. He began to slam down on the keys. I told him know and approached him to closely monitor this. he looked at me, lifted his arms slowly up in the air and slammed them down on the keys, looking at me through this exercise in "What will she really do?" I sternly said no again, turned off the keyboard, walked away and sat on the ground. He very cautiously turned toward me, and walked in my direction with his head hung low. "Ma-ma.....Ma-ma," he quietly repeated as he approached me. "Ma-ma," almost whispering. He comes up to me, nuzzles his head up against mine, begins to pat me on the back and puckers his lips and makes his kissing noises that he makes when wanting us to kiss him. "Ma-ma," he repeated, still patting my back and kissing me all the while.

okay - time to plan. that is why i am here. wish me luck.

Among Other Things

this past week was supposed to be our first week of school. It barely happened and in a blink, it was already Friday.

Typically, during the month of August, I slowly break myself in. I visit one coffee shop after the next; laptop on table, books surround, music in my ears and I scope out the year: goals, curriculum, sequence, outcomes, bullet points and agendas. I visit book stores to load up on read alouds, thematic works, artful prose and inspiring authors. I flip through pages on the net, looking for that "I have to have it" find...order it and await it's arrival. i book field trips and all aspects of education click and fit together. September - May has a 'look' to it. I look forward to this time, to break away and find the passion that had flickered out by the last day of school. I look forward to that "First Day" of school excitement that I plan out and present to the kids.

I have not visited any coffee shops, a book store, once; and quickly - in fast paced thought, bought some CDs online, simply because I did not have the time to go out and buy it first hand.

August came in quickly and left without even saying good bye.

As soon as Perry started school, i thought i would at least have that one last week to get settled in a quasi fashion - but there has been no down time. I settled into a quiet day last Friday and did nothing (for a change - i even found myself taking in an afternoon nap. I needed this time. In retrospect, it was my only alone time I had had since the middle of august. I reveled in Sidney's nap on this day).

We began Monday with a breakfast out to a bagel shop (kids request) and followed by a visit to church to 'check in' with the newly hired children's ministry director (I am on the CM committee). The three kids played downstairs while i helped out with Children's Ministry and assumed the role of getting our Sunday School program off and running by the 19th of this month. 5 rotating stations, filled with curriculum. So, Monday was a wash. we came home, looked through our school boxes, talked about what we would like to accomplish this year and called it a day. Tuesday I was back at church - but only after I put Sidney down for his nap and read aloud our first book of the year --- something I picked up last year and has absolutely nothing to do with our current study (although, there *is* no current study). Wednesday, we had dentist appointments, church, errands to run for Thursday and choir. Thursday was piano lessons and getting ready for later that night. Thursday evening was our first homeschool meeting of the year --- this was all planned, organized, and executed by yours truly - so when i wasn't running around planning church things, i was trying to fit in time to get an agenda together and all the paper work that needed to be organized for Thursday's meeting. Also, because we were hosting it at All Saints Church (my church), i took it upon myself to decorate the very bland church room that we were assigned. more running - but what a welcoming site when these women entered. Thursday came and went and Friday was Simon's pre-op in the morning and Perry's cross country meet and banquet in the afternoon/evening. This weekend opened up with a father in law coming to visit for two days, a child who had piano at 11:15, another child who had a soccer game at one park at 11:15 and a third child who had yet another game at 11:15 at a different park. Upon arriving back at home by 12:30, I put sidney down for his nap, packed up my blue plastic bin of stuff and headed back to church to design and put together a prayer station for tomorrow morning's rally day (the congregation will enter in a made up room of Jesus' home. I designed His living room/dining room with a sign (our rally motto) "Come, Taste and See." It looks lovely. Sunday - rally day. I will be there all day. Monday will come and it will be Simon's surgery. Tuesday, a play date. Wednesday, Photography class with grandma and grandpa....THANK YOU grandma and grandpa. This will be the highlight of the week, confirmation class, choir class and the new W.O.W Wednesdays at church from 5:30 - 6:30. Friday begins homeschool gym - close to 30 families have signed up for this gym class in which I lead.

This is not a bragging post - but an introspection into my life at the moment. I can't breath! Literally, I can not take in deep breaths and when the stress is higher than usual (when i went to church and figured that no one was paying attention to next week's Sunday school), i almost passed out. with each passing activity (mhea meeting, station being completed, rally day put together....), I find that i am able to take in breaths on a more regular basis. But until I have something concrete in front of me in regards to my children's education - i'm afraid that I will continue to be short of breath.

You say, "Katie, learn to say no." That's not the point.
1. MHEA - We are a board of 7. Each one has a job. Mine is to be the director. That is *my* responsibility. It is fine throughout the year. it just happened to come up in the midst of stuff.

2. Sunday School: This was an "I stumbled upon it while trying to help scenario, She has her own overwhelming moment and in trying to help, i .....well, there is no finishing that sentence.

3. Homeschool Gym: again, a no brainer. It would be a piece of cake if i had had time - but like I said, August was in need of my attention in other facets rather than school.

So, this will be an interesting year. I have said in the past - my biggest obstacle will be working around Sidney and his needs and his own goals. But, presently, my only obstacle is me.

As my friends talk about their first weeks or the curriculum they have bought and planned or the field trips they have signed up for - i can say with confidence, "I think my kids will like the read aloud that i bought last January."

Deep Breath......and I mean it this time.

The Signs of Change

I log into this blog with one hand, for the other is holding a warm cup of coffee and the body and mind are just not ready to latch off of the elixir that quickly.

I look down to my right and see my baby's pacifier sitting upon the desk. The trendied color of royal blue and lime green seem to smile at me. Further up from the pacifier is my oldest son's mp3 player. He was downloading songs yesterday and burning a new CD of his favorite songs. Following this activity, he went downstairs, unplugged his stereo, brought it out into the garage and, akin to the pied piper, turned in on loud enough luring in all the ripstikers, skateboarders, scooter'ers, and bouncing ball'ers to the driveway. The boy, with his size 11 flip flops, lead them on a musical path around the cars, into the garage, down the driveway and back up again.

The MP3 player rests upon a business card of a Construction Coordinator. I am on his "things to do list" as the bottom of my driveway will be torn out and redone, due to the permanent mistake that was made a couple of weeks ago by the street crew when replacing tar and cement from road construction on the street.

Above the business card is a CD case, "History Study - New World Explorers." The CD itself is laying on the table among a variety of bills that still need to be paid. This will be our beginning history unit this year. A sailors life, ships, navigation techniques, explorers, pirates and more.

As I grab my cup of coffee, that is by now, lukewarm, i notice one large and lonely red duplo block. The rest are scattered about the sun room floor. These have been handed down to Sidney from his brothers. The baby shares no knowledge on what awaits him in the world of legos.

When I take the lego off it's resting pace to hold it in my hand, i look beyond and notice the checks in the envelope, made out to me. Under these checks are homeschool gym registration papers. Gym will begin in the middle of September and presently, I am collecting registration and money from families that want their children involved in these Friday classes.

A smattering of pens, tv remotes, misc cds, orthodontist bills, and electronics fill this collage of a scene. Each with a page full story on it's meaning and why it takes occupation upon this table. All this is tied to me - the children, the contractor, the gym envelope, and curriculum. My husband makes his way down the hall, makes himself a quick 'coffee to go' and will soon be out the door - awaiting him in his office will be his desk, filled with just as many reminders of whom he is and what he is all about.

The children are now waking up. Thanks for listening.

In my younger years, a bumper sticker hung on my bedroom wall. "Good leaders are hard to find; that is why I am following myself," it proclaimed. I have often stated, "If you believe in yourself and if you are stong in your convictions and were "grounded" on an unshakable faith, than nothing was insurmountable."

My grounded territory is presently being shakened.

At these times, i feel my presence upon a small stage with the black curtain behind me -- standing in the cheap spot light within the small crowded clap.

The rattle and hum of my children spark a nervous awakening within me. Quiet is interrupted with jolts of clattering tones behind the door. breath in this moment, before I will walk across it's threshold and enter once again into the innocent and egocentric lives of my children; who count on me to be present in their moment of time.

Digress:

Simon: The bond is tight. The enjoyment is real. The laughter is genuine. I sometimes am amiss when thinking he is mature beyond his 11 years. His sarcastic wit, his sensitive soul, his appreciation of the moment, his meaningful gaze and purposeful words. He is 11. For historical perspective - he will be having his 8th surgery in a couple of months.

1. Jan. 2000 (10 mos old) first set of tubes in both ears
2. April 2001 (2 yrs old) second set of tubes in both ears
3. April 2002 (3 yrs old) third tubes placed in left ear
4. July 2002 - CT Scan: bone destruction in left mastoid
5. Dec. 2003 - averted Mastoidectomy: huge surgery.
6. Feb. 2004 - (5 years old) Tubes surgically removed in both ears. We will find that perforations will not close during the coming years and infection in left will continue. 7. August 2005 ( 6 years old) Surgery: Left lateral graft tympanoplasty and right myringoplasty (skin graft to plug hole)
8. June 2008 (9 years old) Right cartilage graft tympanoplasty. Dr. wanted to put in a tube in simon's left ear at that time, but when opening it up, he saw a mess of fluid and gunk behind mastoid and decided against it. Simon's left hearing is continually compromised throughout the years.
9. October 2008: CT scan. In the past, simon has had significant cholesteatoma in his left ear, today, the left looks normal. We will later find that the cholesteatoma will return to the left. Left ear drum is showing signs of retracting and building around the bone.
10. October 2010? Surgical removal of tissue mass (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cholesteatoma) within the inner ear which is growing up against the bone - shifting it's overall position.

Perry: A world awaits this boy wonder who sporadically claimed that Singapore was in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, I stake claim and fault for his naive nature. At times, I am surprised at the things he does not know but marvel at the idea of who he is. With his knowledge of self, he will be just fine...and who is to say, maybe there is a Singapore in Wisconsin.

Lucy: She traverses daily through unknown terrain. Presently, she is in need of more cuddling, affirmation and security. She often answers when conversation is directed at her younger brother - signaling that I have forgotten about her and I need to be checked. She desires all the parent I can be. We travel the day - marked with conversation, played hands of cards, lunches together and physical contact. She is just as strong as her brothers, but in need of reinforcements at this time.

Sidney: La Bete' (the Beast). He knows us. he knows how to make us laugh, he knows what makes us tick and he knows how to make our hearts melt. He is genius enough to figure out when previous behaviors have entertained and will repeat on occasion. He makes a guttural roar as he walks his house. The fourth child will not go silently.

Thank you for listening, thank you for your ears and the chance to feel apart of a new born sun when i sit and radiate my words- all from the small world in which i live...for i am not a rock climber, a sky diver, a gourmet chef. Nor am I a poet, an artist or a musician. I am but a mother.....

To Work Within the Deisre, How? When? Why? Where?

I desire a change. I often desire a change. I look at my existence and question, "What can i do better?"

Growing up, I was the same, but in simple form, i was in constant need of changing my surround; and at that time, I did it through rearranging my room furniture and writing.

The reality of my resume: Stay at home mom, raising 4 kids, living in Minnetonka, Minnesota...a slow paced, suburb of Minneapolis.

I so desire to be present in this world. I always have, and sitting back, talking about diaper changes and dish detergents encourages contemplation.

I rest on my excuses: 4 growing children, intelligence, know how, time, location, sacrifice for the other, etc. Each one, filling a page of whys and cannots.

Asleep within my time

I was told by a great lady to wait it out; i would be more effective when kids are older and concentration is shifted. Perhaps this is true. I worked diligently with the local foodshelf until one day, my children's safety was strongly compromised and now that tie has been severed....for now.

So, what do I desire?

awakeness in life
participation within the abundance energy of culture
uniqueness of time (suburban coffee shops ....NO)
a place for photography concentration --- this would clearly follow from above
a different view

I am placed here. Yes, I am. I can appreciate it, be thankful, feel blessed, and secure. I write to say that i am not complacent. I do not desire to stay on my microscopic dot. My question: If there is a desire, and it is strong, then where is the will to make it happen? When I can't even seem to etch out time for a haircut - how would i etch out time for such a monumental endeavor?

The choices I have made have lead me through this life - this one time on stage, life. I am in need of a shift. I am in need - like the little girl before me - of the furniture changed.

Thanks for listening

It's a Boy....

Last night,as i rocked in my baby's rocking chair; i could hear through the open window all the neighbor children playing hide and go seek; counting out loud, running around the house, declarations of whom was found and still in need of being sought. I changed from chair placement to window and watched intently, these children, these friends, these comrades in arm and reminisced the make up of the present.

"It's a boy!" my neighbor shouts from her car window as she and her husband slow down the car on their way home from her doctor's appointment. "We are going to have a boy!" This was 7 years ago and the little baby who toddled in the wading pool on his front lawn is now, "IT" in the game of choice this evening.

Ding Dong goes the door bell and Clifford, the Big Red Dog is standing before me, too shy to say, "Trick or Treat" so his parents say it for him. He is all but 3 or years of age. I think back to the times of walking this little one up to his home - the three houses stood together in monumental form. Navigation and guidance were required at such a young age. The now 11 year old has been in our house all day playing Legos, Wii and Risk with his counterpart, Simon. The two run from front lawn, across the street and tag the mailbox..."SAFE!" I hear them shout in unison.

"Katie, Daniel has run off again....can you call me if you see him?" This little boy, with so much to give the world, unleashes himself frequently from his own ties that bind. He marches to his own beat. At 3 years of age, he and Simon walk arm and arm down to the bus stop to say good bye to their older brothers venturing into the world of Kindergarten. The relationship between friend and son has been volatile, but both boys have grown together and each one is better for knowing the other. I look out the window and comically, the barefoot 11 year old stands frozen behind a skinny tree branch.

A Christmas card hung on our wall with a woman, her husband, her 12 year old daughter and a message that a baby will soon be coming into the world. a couple years later, another card came with the family of 4; and another was soon to make an entrance. This family has led a quiet existence. The two babies, now 7 and 5 are showing themselves more and more as they grow. Two more have added themselves to the crop that grows on this child laden street.

The 2 year old twins, who long ago showed up on this street in diapers, now reign in control with skateboards, baseball mitts, bats, balls, scooters, and bikes. These boys seek no borders and we have had our share of challenges trying to deal and educate our own children in times of quandary. The 7 year olds fight over who is really *not* it and which one is going to quit the game if they don't get their way and which rules are meant to be broken. With this, I watch from my placement near the window, check my watch and wonder if the time is almost near; the game of Hide and Seek will eventually come to blows and one of the twins will march off into their house, screaming at the other and the game will officially be over.


The doorbell rings all day. Kids funnel in and out, and the beat of Highland Place is strong. Last night, 10 kids represented - all growing up in a solid existence, all learning, all influenced, and all changing at each other's side.

I set the baby down from my hold, he walks down the hall, babbling; this too, will one day, only be a memory.

Thanks for listening.

And I Wait....and Wait.....Swinging

Scooby -Doo fills the scene for three tired offspring. Little one is content gazing out window and reading board book in crib, husband is at work and all I have is....well, what I want; unscheduled moments of me. I have brought my notebook out to the deck, fixed myself an iced coffee, lit the candles and breathed in my environment. A cacophony of birds compliment the surround. All is present and ready - but my mind. It is adrift and I wonder why. It is cluttered and giving me a headache. These are moments I yearn for, beg for and take in with incredible advantage and tonight, I am "All dressed up with no where to go."

There is nothing to write and I apologize to those who will soon be getting a copy of this??? What *is* this?

I am spoiled and cynical, but grateful all the same.

My pendulum swings freely from it's weight above; it moves slowly, but with great weight and precision; once arriving and leaving within the same breath. Continuing without effort. Within the exactness of those moments, all is defined and never to be mimicked in style, taste, or condition- with risk of becoming out of sync. I am under.

I often take view from an aeral point; looking down, watching the maze unfold, keeping in time with each swing of the pendulum. Watching in moments, the convergence of time: my time - from past to present to future. Without control, you swing on the wire, grasping and breathing and watching your outstretched fingers melt away.

Some days, gravity plays games and a day, month or year disappears in a single swing of the pendulum. Other times, it pulls with great force and there is no fighting, just questioning of involvement and need.

The ubiquitous pendulum

So, I have found this niche and carved out another etch in history. Nothing significant, nothing short of boring and mundane - just writing a moment away as I swing upon my pendulum

Thanks for listening.

A Different Kinda Taste

13 years ago....I was teaching half time, my husband worked out of a cubicle, and our home had barely seen the transformation it has today. I was a young mother to Perry. My days were spent learning and transforming myself into his 'mom-mom.' This was, unfortunately, met with much resentment, as I fought daily between my old/new self. Our lives quickly transpired from one child to three in a short smattering of time. I was barely educated enough to have one child and in quick revelations, I had three car seats and a van. As the house transformed, so did our lives, our careers, our outlooks, and our perspectives. I was no longer resentful and my head was in the game. Mothering was to be a serious commitment and not to be taken lightly. My stepping stone children were either going to thrive or falter under my guidance...it was a heavy load to bare (and still is in present day).

16 months ago....I was homeschooling my children, my husband was building a new kind of office and our home lived through the noise of nailing 2 x 4s, drilling, cementing, knocking down, and adding on. I am aging through this mothering process but my vision is not as muddled as it was when I was young.

This week, I have had the experience of being a single mother to a single baby. The other three have been away and will be returning sometime tomorrow afternoon. I have enjoyed without drudgery, I have experienced without resentment, I have laughed and lifted and twirled without force. I think back to when it was just Perry and me and i wonder, "What was all the drama about? How hard would it have been to enjoy it? Why did those years slip into the next without the attention and examination that is clearly present today?"

hmmm. No closing, simply examination.

Thanks for listening.