Waitng Within the Stillness

Each week, Thursday afternoons to be exact, an email arrives to remind me how many weeks I have left before this new life force nestles himself into an already existing and often chaotic environment. I am now 30 weeks; and with scheduled c-section in place, I have 9 weeks for countdown. 9 weeks of countdown!

I look at the blinking cursor and attempt to minutely comprehend any or all of this. The placement doesn't fit. The friend who has wanted nothing more than another child to love, the uncle who, potentially, has less than 9 weeks to live, the monumental life choices that now scream to a stop and the soulful journey it has taken to accept and love this being...that just doesn't fit. 9 weeks to countdown. Humanly, I am frantically fitting my own life together. Spiritually, i am frantically fitting it all together - but my heart can not deny the acceptance of it all.

I have to cut this short. The counter top for our bathroom sink is now arriving. Another piece to fit together as this 9 week countdown continues.

Cold Mountain

Finally, another day book day. We have been absent from this aspect of the day for quite a while. The sound track to Cold Mountain is playing in the background; epic movie from the Civil War, and being that we are studying the Civil War, this seemed apropos. So, as i sit here and nod my head to the rhythm, i listen to the lyrics of this first song and think of the strong connections in my life. The mandolin acts as a fueling aspect to this song and feeds energy to my soul. "I'll soon be free from every trial, this form shall rest, beneath the sun . I'll drop the cross of self-denial and enter in that home with God. I'm goin' home to see my savior, i'm going home no more to roam, i am just goin' home to jordan, i am just goin' just over home."

As the song passes to the next; so do my thoughts. I look at my three children on the couch with daybooks open, toes tapping, eyes soaking in thoughts and concentrated attention. The days unfold where I continue to complain about self imposed and chronic situations; but when i am here, in this sun-lit room, three babies adjacent to my soul, with me in the moment, i can not deny the unbelievable synchronicity to this life.

Although, as the music presses on and this daybook time comes closer to a close, by 9 year old interrupts this perfect moment to address how many Star Wars Clone movies there just may be. It is funny - from Civil War to Star Wars.

Alison Kraus - Scarlet Tide
VIDEO - Click here

Well I recall his parting words
Must I accept his fate
Or take myself far from this place

I thought I heard a black bell toll
A little bird did sing
Man has no choice
When he wants every thing

We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Man goes beyond his own decision
Gets caught up in the mechanism
Of swindlers who act like kings
And brokers who break everything

The dark of night was swiftly fading
Close to the dawn of day
Why would I want him just to lose him again
We'll rise above the scarlet tide
That trickles down through the mountain
And separates the widow from the bride

Crawling Back

I am slowly crawling back and making my way with peace. With my hand upon my belly, my son signals his awakening. This nightly ritual brings me back.

Today was the day. Of all mundane and simple of days, today was the day - November 13, 2008. My son lets me know this is really happening and somehow, unconditionally, forgives me (i hope) for all my selfish maneuvers and thoughts.

I am crawling back today from 5 months of denial, selfish thoughts and behaviors. 5 months of asking; am i ready to welcome another baby? can i handle a 4th? why is this happening? why me? concentrating on all else except a child that will be born 15 weeks from today.

Today, i over did myself. I exerted far too much and as i sit on this couch, i am physically paying the price. I am sore, i am tight and i am too cognizant of what brought me to this place.

This has to be said: i am finding love for my son. A powerful love that needs to be addressed because of absence.

Today, tonight rather, i am humbly crawling back and look ahead to a journey renewed.

It's a New Day

Will I Am

It's A New Day Lyrics Songwriters: N/A

VIDEO

I went asleep last night

Tired from the fight

I've been fighting for tomorrow

All my life

Yea I woke up this morning

Feeling brand new

'Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming

Have finally came true

It's a new day --It's a new day --It's a new day -- It's a new day -- It's a new day

It's been a long time coming

Up the mountain kept runnin'

Souls of freedom kept hummin'

Channeling Harriet Tubman

Kennedy, Lincoln, and King

We gotta invest in that dream

It feels like we're swimming upstream

It feels like we're stuck inbetween

A rock and a hard place,

We've been through the heartaches

And lived through the darkest days

If you and I made it this far,

Well then hey, we can make it all the way

And they said no we can't And we said yes we can

Remember it's you and me together

I woke up this morning

Feeling alright

I've been fightin' for tomorrow

All my life

Yea, I woke up this morning

Feeling brand new

Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming

Have finally came true

It's a new day (it's a new day)-- It's a new day (it's a new day) -- It's a new day --It's a new day!

It's been a long time waitin'

Waiting for this moment

Been a long time praying

Praying for this moment

We hope for this moment

And now that we own it

For life I will hold it

And I ain't gonna let it go

It's for fathers, our brothers,

Our friends who fought for freedom

Our sisters, our mothers,

Who died for us to be in this moment

Stop and cherish this moment

Stop and cherish this time

It's time for you and me

For us and we

That's you and me together

I woke up this morning

Feeling brand new

Cause the dreams that I've been dreaming

Have finally came true

Yea, I woke up this morning

Feeling alright

'Cause we weren't fighting for nothing

And the soldiers weren't fighting For nothing

No, Martin was dreaming for nothing

And Lincoln didn't change it for nothing

And children weren't crying for nothing

It's a new day It's a new day A new day It's a new day It's a new day!

History Shared

Today is a historical day.

I can say with confidence that every day is historical within reason and each piece of the passing minutes contribute to memories and building of ones character. Today, however, my children will be telling stories for generations. "I was there, with my parents, as they voted on the historical day." We will be watching the campaign on TV this evening and memories will slowly form in the folds of gray matter. Each child will cling onto relevant and significant moments.

How will this day unfold? I am not sure...we have hours to wait. How will the election results affect the minds and psyche of the American culture? I am not sure.....we have hours to wait. Will division of minds overpower the possibility of bonded union...we have hours to wait.

Whatever happens, whatever events transpire, whatever erupted cacophony prevails; November 4 is historic, and I can share that my day is far more significant now that I got to experience it with my children.

Blown in Wind's Direction

There are times when the wind blows me off course and continues in doing so with deliberate and calculated force. As I am swept up; there are options before me ~ twist, turn, and fight my way back or surrender and capitulate to the sense of uncertainty.

Today, the leaf takes hold for one last time of the mothering tree. The wind rushes in, envelopes the leaf; seizing control and bringing forth a new destiny. The leaf surrenders and angelically dances through it's ballet.

I cup my hands over my mouth, take in a deep breath and watch this take place outside my window....I watch as I take off into the wind.

From Before...

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

The cat is nibbling the last morsels of his dinner while the refrigerator prolongs it's monotonous drone. The house breathes in a couple of creaks and cracks now and again, but presently, there is a repose.

What will you do within this time of quiet? How do you continue to find energy within the stillness? When the day is strong, it's energy carries you, pushes you, enfolds upon you; you barely have a moment to stop and ask for direction. Now, the tranquil begins to slowly saturate your existence; it penetrates your world, and much like the noise and clatter of the earlier day, it too, enfolds upon you. What will you do within this time of quiet?

fall is upon us...and other things

October 21, 2008

(Picture on left: baby avenson 18 weeks)

Today is the official beginning of Daybook and I am trying to encourage Perry to write. Simon has picked the Motorcycle Diaries for us to listen to during this time. I am sitting up against the fireplace warming my back. School seems to be going well and we were just invited out to play at a park on this beautiful day! We will go with the Ytterbergs and hopefully others. I am so glad Simon has decent taste in music.

John is currently in Florida --- actually, scratch that; he is in New York right now and will come home late Thursday evening - only to turn around in a week or two and do it again. Meanwhile, i am at home with the three, i am 19 weeks pregant and my sunroom is splattered with legos. Perry is in the process of color coordinating them into baskets. a hefty project.

Anyway, that is the current news; with the exception of Barrack Obama and John McCain running for president...OH, and Ralph Nadar. AND, today we will begin our study on Seurat - the pointilism impressionist. BUT, i have to admit, my current position is quite agreeable: fire, beautiful music and writing....what could be better~~ oh yes, all three children are writing as well. *what* they are writing is skeptical, but they are writing and that is the purpose of this excercise.

Life is good and i really don't think i am waiting for that inevitable crash to happen; i am just holding on to the goodness of it all!

Katie