Each weekend, my husband tries to get be out of the house. He continually requests that I take some time for myself. I quietly complain about my lack of time to myself, never out loud, but when time presents, i weigh the pros and cons. Pros - i am out of the existence i often want to run from. Cons - i come back to that existence with the sole responsibility of reigning everyone back in. You say, 'Katie, go out, enjoy the quiet time,' and during those times, i simply sigh, and think that there is just too much to do.....my fault and i wear that hat. But, today, i took the offer and now i am out....and i am writing. ... always writing..always.
Writing: my love. my part time job (without pay). I gravitate towards journals, note books, funky memo books in all shades of color and textures. My life is mirrored within journals. Today, i have three working journals, 3 or 4 blogs, kids journals (laughing). A funky little gold one with small key accompanied me throughout my elementary years. Upon 8th grade graduation, i received a cute pastel blue-flowery journal and i filled it quickly; almost daily of impending high school dramas, classes, crushes, agonies, and triumphs. I think i filled 3 or 4 journals during high school and about 3 more in college. 2 or more while dating john and his time away in Dessert Storm, and then of course, bought one for each of my babies before they were born. Today, i grabbed lucy's journal and one that i began ...i have to look at the date....February 5, 2003. The first page of this journal is as follows:
Hello, Hello, clanging bells in my head have brought upon an urge to write, but as you may have observed, the physical exercise of writing has somehow been numbed. My fingers need to wake up and channel thoughts swiftly from fingers to ink. John is currently working on the electrical wiring in the soon to be sunroom/family room. The kids are asleep and I am sitting at the head of my bed listening to the BBC (public radio). Erin had her daughter, camille on the 28th of January. Lucy is crying. I am beginning to be submersed under the weight of her cries.
The News in Brief: ~ The Space Shuttle Columbia burned up during it's decent into Kennedy Space Center. 7 Astronauts died. ~ Colin Powell (sec of state) was at the UN today, addressing the Security Council. A great interest in disarming Iraq of Weapons of Mass Destruction (WOMD). US military have been strategically placed in the region and Pres. Bush in threatening war...on his own accord. I am fearful of how this will turn out. Bush is that bully in school who comes and steals your lunch money and snickers to his buddies...all the while, completely intimidated by the person he is and has become (random). Lucy is still whining, time to close. ME.
RANDOMLY OPENING UP LUCY'S JOURNAL
September 12:::The Day After
Hi Lucy,
I am in Logic class again. A tad bit early, but all was quiet in the house and ...well...you get it. I missed last Wednesday because we all went up to see Grandma Louann and Grandpa John for a couple of days. The instructor said she wouldn't mind me hanging out in her class...score man
** (2010 note...i took a logic class when lucy was a baby - just something to exercise my mind while working through the newness of Lucy ..our 3rd baby. the instructor let me sit in on her class, knowing my situation. It was one of my best experiences, took quizzes, took tests, added to lecture and didn't pay anything).**
So, I don't have to do the assignments if I don't want to, but i think i will anyway.
As you may have heard, not sure when and where you will be in life when this sinks in, yesterday was September 11, 2001. 4 terrorist attacks threatened our nation. 2 planes crashed into the World Trade towers in New York, ending in total destruction. Another plane crashed into the Pentagon and another crashed in a field in Pennsylvania; it was believed to be heading towards the White House. Your cold hearted mother (and i say this in all sincerity) seems to be somewhat unfazed by all this....and i am truly hoping it is because i am in shock. Before I go on, i must emphasize the enormity of loss and sadness i feel for all individuals affected by this. ALL (spent a long time outlining the word ALL in my journal)individuals affected. This is where my heart is. With that said, here is my naive, soon to be seen as stupid view on these past events. I am not fearful, I am not physically sick nor do i feel overprotective of my children. This is a part of life that I am witness to. I can not begin to think of the children involved, this is where my mind is numbed by overwhelming lack of power. I know, in my VERY small world, and it is small, I don't know what i can do. I WILL give blood, i WILL donate as much money as i can and i WILL offer all up in prayer...but we live in a world and in a place that power is the winning ticket, and we happen to live in such a place that places a crucial role in that game. Our nation will continue to move it's pieces in this strategic game and continue to sacrifice for the greater good (or so i hear). This is a consequence. I am not sure if i should demand my energy, my families energy in becoming an interwoven piece in this terrible destruction.
Class is beginning.
I love you.
Mom
January 24, 2010: My children are older, our nation continues to fight the same up hill battle. I will continue to live within the dot of my existence - and doing what all dots do; give money when needed, give blood when needed, and now, with haiti, volunteer time when needed. I clearly do not control the pawns in the game, i just take up the space within which the pawn takes residence.
Off to venture into more Katie time. Where will it take me next??
No comments:
Post a Comment