If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, you know, I would
If I could, I would
Let it go

Surrender
Dislocate

If I could throw thisLifeless lifeline to the wind
I'd leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
Through the rain
Into the half-light through the flame
If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light And to the day

So let it go
And so fade away

So let it go
And so fade away

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping

Oh, no, no, no
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no
If they should ask well maybe they'd
Tell me what I should say
True colors fly in blue and black
Bruised silken sky and burning flag

Colours crash, collide in bloodshot eyes
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
Let it go

This desperation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation

In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Isolation

Let it go, aha
And so fade away

So let it go, aha
And so fade, fade, fade away

So let it go
And so to fade away
I'm wide awake I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping Oh, no, no, no

u2

Shhh, the Baby's Sleeping

All is quiet. The bathroom fan is heard down the hall.

My thoughts:

Last night, during dinner, john and ....(officially, he is still a 'pre-teen,' but in all aspects of behavior, reaction, and mood, he *is* a full bodied teenager) had it out. It was quite entertaining, I must say.

It all stemmed from something simple - yet consciously annoying. John decided to pick the fight and tell Perry to be quiet; as he was humming during the course of his brother talking about the day. Perry stopped and in the middle of the sentence, asked if he could clear the table - we said yes. He quickly added that he wanted to be excused afterwards, and we said, no.

This did not sit right with the teenager and in full momentum, charged with words and behaviors at his dad.....and consequently, his dad fought back. The remaining audience members (kids and me) knew full well who was going to win this battle of words, wits and physicalitys but the teenager was non the wiser and continued in his quest...full speed ahead.

I sat, quietly, with legs propped up on a chair and watched the scene - oddly enough, thinking of my time with John 13 years prior; before 'said' teenager was born. The time when WE had space to have our voices heard. The time when 4 other humans didn't vacuum all existing energy from our day.

This morning, I dug up some old journals of "john and katie." Sentences like, "We ate Corn Flakes on the porch, finished the newspaper and were off on our bikes." "John and I saw a very bizarre play last night in Los Angeles; which consequently didn't start until 11:30pm." "Today, we just pulled out the futon, warmed up corn tortillas and watched movies all day long." "Last night, after dinner at the restaurant, John and I spontaneously drove up to Duluth for a weekend in a B&B. We didn't' arrive until after 11pm, but the owners left the porch light on for us." "Tonight, on the coldest night of the year, John bought me my dream car....a convertible Alpha Romeo Spider...."

Last night, i giggled inside during Perry's heated words - words that were a novice tool to him and words that will only get better with time and maturity. I laughed, and thought, "Perry, you don't know this man. You are completely unaware of who he is. And, this man, whom I have now loved for 20 years is trying to teach you how to use your words, your movements and your tone in a sophisticated manner - to only assist you later, when you need it.

'John and Katie' have filled many journal pages of our own torments, heated moments, blissful events, and entertaining days. Pages are continuously being filled with each passing day. It was fun last night to see a new set of events transpire; an inauguration of sorts into the next chapter of 'John and Katie.'

Lull to the Day

There is a lull to my day. It is evident. Chai tea warms in the microwave, the baby is asleep, the kids have friends over and are occupied. I sit within a vacuous bubble of peace...moving within an ideal state, cognizant of it's delicate condition.

The microwave dings.

I think of the dress; the dress everyone admires in the store and remarks, "This would be a perfect dress to wear at a garden party." The garden party never comes. It doesn't exist; and you are now stuck with the dress. This time, this condition of presence is the garden party...I grasp at the exclusivity.

I think of the books I buy, the romantic beginnings of sitting on a couch, 'curled up with a good book.' The couch is jumbled by legos and diapers and the 'good books' get shifted from one dusty table to the next.

There is a lull to my day and anything is possible. I begin to plan curriculum for the following week - grabbing books, paper, pens and computer. I stop, set the books at rest, fill the fireplace with logs and make a chai tea....for the tide is out and there is ample room to move, roam, and see. Soon, a multiple of influences will begin a roll of the waters.

If I don't move fast...i may be be washed away.

88.5

88.5 fm is a public jazz station in Minneapolis. I thought of this as I glanced down at the spedometor when pulling into our driveway last night at 9:30pm. I had been in the car most of the day and had traveled 88.5 miles round trip.

The morning began quietly. 6:15, sitting with my coffee, a homemade waffle and my 12 year old son; yawning and waking up as he ate his breakfast. The conversaton was quiet as we both took in the other.

By 9:30, we were in full swing. The remaining family members (simon, lucy, sidney and me) piled into the car and headed off to TEACH for Simon's writing class. the class ended at 11:00. We were able to get into the car (it was pouring rain by this time) and feed and quiet down Sidney. We then made our way to the Arboretum, where we were to be participants in a Mother Earth class 12:00 - 2:00. During this time, Lucy began to feel a bit funky. I pulled her out and gave her some medicine. During the class, Sidney and I traversed the halls as well as escaped to the bathroom, for some oddly positioned nursing moments.

At 1:40, I pulled the kids out of class. We ran to the car in the rain and we were off to art class. This is a parent led art class that meets every Tuesday. One of these weeks, I will have to do my part and teach a lesson. We made a bee line to McDonalds for lunch. The last time we had McDonalds was when i was 4 or 5 months pregnant when I went through an odd craving for fast food. I ate a lot at Arbys during those months.... and hence, so did the kids.

Made it to class shortly after 2pm - dropped off the kids and went back to a close gas station to get Lucy some cough drops. Sidney was asleep by this time. Treated myself to a Caribou Latte.

Kids made "leaf' bowls out of cement and will paint them next week.

3:00 - told simon and lucy to clean up, as we were in need of picking up Perry.

3:20: met perry at his bus stop and took off for down town. Minnesota Twins vs Detroit Tigers. This was the playoff game for Central Division Champs (Twins won by the way).

3:50: Text onto my Facebook status that we were STUCK in traffic downtown and would be missing the first pitch.

4:10: Pulled into Dome parking lot. Put Sidney in front pouch/sling thing and the kids and I took off to the game.

We arrived home at 9:30pm. our day was done. 88.5 miles.

Delete

so, i deleted my last post. too much complaining. never gets you anywhere. no need to have it on there.

and so it goes

Batter Up!!!!

All jobs are predicated upon ebb and flow of people's decisions; whether it be consumerism, health care, development, etc. Our life is solely dictated by a game of baseball. Many games of baseball for that matter. Who hits the ball, how the ball is hit, how many wins in a season, who is buying tickets, and lately, who is ahead in the Division.

John is the Vice President of Technology for the Minnesota Twins Baseball Team. He is now involved in his 16th season. Currently, the Twins are 2 games behind the Detroit Tigers for Division Champs. This has thrown our life into a whirlwind of question. Each night, our family plans are dictated upon 'the game,' even if the game is not played locally. Today, I will be watching the game (played in Detroit) and if the Twins win, I will know John will not be home this evening, as he will gear up for possible Post Season. If they lose, I can plan on him for dinner.

Each night, when the kids set the table, they know to ask, "Will Dad be joining us, tonight?"

We are not a 'baseball' family by any means. We enjoy going to see the games, but my children are not 'into' baseball like some kids. They can tell you some of the players names but that is about it. Stats are not attractive to them, standings are not part of their dialogue. Even John is not immersed in the All American Past Time as much as he could be. He does his job, he does it well, and that is how he supports his team (smile).

The Twins will play in a new ballpark next season. A new ballpark that is near completion - and just like Ty Pennington handing over the 'keys to the house,' the Twins front office will soon be able to move into their new home. John Avenson has his stamp all over the new ball park. It was he, who decided and conferenced about what technology was to be bought, created and applied for the entire park. I can't even begin to go into the enormous detail of what he has had to decide--- from the cabling system of the entire ballpark to the cellphone company that will place it's towers near the park. Many early mornings, getting up to feed our infant, John was already up, sitting at our table with blue prints spread out --- counting mundane things such as Cat 5 outlets and so many other 'things' that had to be thought of to complete the puzzle.

Our life works within the season of baseball. During the 'off season,' daddy is home more frequently. During the season (April - October), we see a flickering of his presence. this is what we have grown accustomed to and now as we near the season - our energy is ramped up. We are watching the games, we are marking off the days, we are waiting to see when Daddy gets to come home for dinner!

Thanks for listening.

Never Thought I'd See the Day

Blogging is trivial; i stand corrected....MY blogging is trivial. I have mentioned this before and I am mentioning it again. It is mundane and it keynotes day to day dribble from mind to monitor. I am keenly (or like to think that I am) aware of my world; it's troubles, it's woes, it's dispairs, and ironically, it's triumphs.

However, with that said....

My son has a milk allergy.

What does that mean? Well, in essence, it means that he can not be exposed to any milk protein from a cow. What else does that mean??? NO MORE REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS for mom!!!!

Now, talk about significant times??? I say this within the jester of the moment ---i am a sarcastic being.

So, no more chocolate (milk chocolate), no more caramel rolls from the store, no more cream in my coffee - at least the cream that I like!, no more cheese (this will hurt), no more REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!

20 YEARS

I will someday remind myself to write a substantial entry in sweet reflection of 20 years together with the man I married. We met on this date in 1989. Last night, as we ran a couple of errands together (with the baby...quiet baby), we thought it apropos to grab a quick coffee and take a slow drive around the lakes. The moment seemed ideal. Our older kids were at home and in bed and the youngest of our offspring was quietly asleep.

We parked, I went in the storefront and grabbed our coffees. Upon approaching the car, I heard the evening's distraction. Of course, the cries increased in sound once the door was opened.

My 20 year mate and I decided to forge ahead and go on as planned with a minor stop to feed what seemed to be the hungry child. We stopped, I unbuckled and brought the infant to the front seat. it soon became clear that the baby with smiles was not hungry but only had intention of 'joining' us for our evening of 'Us.'

Legs set in jumping motion, voice set in squealing song, eyes alert with excited anticipation on what was to be shared next. My husband took in the scene with a sip of coffee and a question of , "Aren't you sleepy?" The squeaked response said enough. No.

Setting him back in car seat, arming him with arsenal of toys, i buckled myself in the front seat. 50 feet into driving, 50 feet into beginning of adult conversation, 50 feet of one half sip of coffee, baby begins to sound off. His amplitude of sound increases with each raise of the radio volume (classical music of course). As intelligent beings, we assumed this would die off. We assumed he would tire himself out. In time, we realized, we assumed wrong.

We pulled over, i put my coffee cup in place and buckled up in the back seat. The baby smiled at my appearance but continued to show his disfavor of his placement. The decision was made to take the quickest route home -- turn right (off the lake pathway) and make all the green lights.

My coffee was 1/2 full and cold as we pulled into the driveway. Baby was taken out of his car seat, changed into pajamas, put in crib and less than 5 minutes, was quietly at rest.

This is the culmination of 20 years together.

We will try again tonight.